Professor: "A toast to Leela. She showed us it's wrong to eat certain
things."
_____
Human female: "Next, New New York in crisis. Morbo?" 
Morbo: "Thanks, human female. Puny Earthlings were shocked today 
 to learn that a ball of garbage will destroy their pathetic
 city of New New York."
Human female: "Makes me glad that we live here in Los Angeles."
Morbo: "Morbo agrees."
_____
Leela: Hold Still, I don't have good depth perception!
_____
"Take it off or else I break it off." -Leela, with Fry's arm around her
_____
Fry: Ooh, Big Pink. It's the only gum with the breath freshening power of ham.
 Bender: And it pinkens your teeth while you chew.
_____
Bender: OK, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals.
_____
"I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific fraud like global warming
or second-hand smoke." -Mayor
_____
Edna: "Teach me to love you, squishy poet from beyond the stars." 
Fry: "I'm flattered, really. If I was gonna do it with a big freaky mud bug,
 you'd be way up the list."
_____
Fry: "I'm not prejudiced." 
Bender: "Ah, save it for the cross-burning, Adolf."
_____
Bender: "Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending."
_____
Leela: You guys distract the were-car, and I'll kill it by plugging its 
   exhaust pipe with this silver potato.
_____
Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter
_____
Hermes: "I miss my wife and my oxygen." 
Professor Farnsworth: "Yes, we all miss our loved ones and gases."
_____
Bender: "I came here with a simple dream, a dream of killing all humans."
_____
Leela: "Where were you at 10pm last night?" 
Professor Farnsworth: "Where am I now?"
_____
Fan: "Aha ha, fan beats man."
_____
Leela: Well, goodnight. I'm gonna go make my dinners for the next month 
   and freeze them.
_____
Leela: Hold Still, I don't have good depth perception!
_____
Leela: Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer and 
   reprogram it to let them go. 
 Bender: Maybe you can interface with my ass... by biting it.
_____
Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?
_____
Leela: "We've blown out one of our engines." 
Fry: "Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it... fix it, fix it, fix
it!"
_____
Michelle: When we get back to the hole we are going to have a long 
   boring talk about our relationship.
_____
Fry: "You know what I like best about you, Umbrielle? You find me
fascinating, even when I'm not claiming to be a jewel thief 
or a lion tamer."
_____
Professor: "A toast to Leela. She showed us it's wrong to eat certain
things."
_____
nappster.com: Download any celebrity from A.A. Milne to Z.Z. Top
_____
Handcrafters: New hands in about an hour
 Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break them in tonight.
_____
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
_____
Professor: Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave.
_____
Leela: "There it is, the near-death star."
_____
Were-Bender: Oh boy, I feel like a car in a candy store.
_____
Bender: "Aw, I think I got whiplash." 
Leela: "You can't have whiplash, you don't have a neck." 
Bender: "I meant ass whiplash."
_____
Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.
_____
Fry: Where's Captain Bender? Off catastrophizing some other planet?
_____
"Look at that five o'clock rust. You've been up all night not drinking,
haven't you?" -Leela
_____
Professor: "Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth."
_____
"I might have liked Zap Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw
me in prison." -Leela "You really are too picky." 
 -Bender
_____
Leela: "Are you real, or am I seeing single?" 
Alcazar: "Ow. Of course I'm real." 
Leela: "After all this time, somebody else with one eye who isn't a clumsy
carpenter or a kid with a BB gun."
_____
Professor: Perhaps it's your outlook that need a good bend, a ninety 
 degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
_____
"I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific fraud like global warming
or second-hand smoke." -Mayor
_____
Fry: "Do you have anything else for him?"
Contess de la Roca: "Lovely, isn't it?" 
Bender: "Yeah, but only 93% as lovely as you."
Contess de la Roca: "Oh, Bender. Either that was a computing error, or 
you're the most romantic robot I've ever met."
_____
"This is turning into one very sexy struggle for the human race."
 -Zapp Brannigan
_____
Amy: Worms? Ew, pukatronic!
_____
Human female: "The holiday season is time of celebration for most but it is 
 also the time to remember the tragic suffering of the less 
 fortunate." 
Morbo: "Earthlings do not yet know the meaning of suffering." 
Human female: "Earlier today I visited the shelter for down-and-out robots. 
 Homeless robots too poor to afford even the basic alcohol they 
 need fuel their circuits. Is there anything sadder? 
 Only drowning puppies and there have to be a lot of them."
_____
Fan: "Aha ha, fan beats man."
_____
"Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated
type." -Leela
_____
Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?
_____
Bubblegum: Bender, you can talk trash, you can handle the ball, 
 but look in your heart and ask yourself: are you funky
 enough to be a Globe Trotter? Are you?
 Bender: Yes.
 Bubblegum: Are you? 
 Bender: I mean, with time, my funk level could... 
 Bubblegum: Are you?!
 Bender: No. 
 Bubblegum: Deal with it.
_____
Fry: Have you ever been in love?
 Worm Mayor: No, I thought I was once, but then I remembered our 
 species reproduces with a cloud of spores.
_____
Give a hoot-o 
 Don't pollute Pluto
_____
Zoidberg: Muy macho. Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin 
   your drinking water!
_____
Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you 
   take it all and I say enough!
_____
Cop: You're under arrest for child cruelty, child endangerment, depriving 
 children of food, selling children as food, and misrepresenting 
 the weight of livestock.
_____
Robot Nite - Designated device drivers drink free
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Okay, so you're nonchalant, stop rubbing our noses in it.
_____
Futurama is brought to you by Thompson's Teeth, the 
only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth.
_____
Professor: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it.
_____
"I might have liked Zap Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw
me in prison." -Leela "You really are too picky." 
 -Bender
_____
Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his 
   humanity the way only a woman can. 
 Professor: You're going to do his laundry?
_____
Bender: I finally meet a nice girl with a pair of legs 
   that don't quite unexpectedly...
_____
Zoidberg: Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough to be thrown back!
_____
Fry: Lucy Liu-bot, if I don't survive the corn, I want you to know that I 
 love you as much as a man can love a computerized image of a gorgeous 
 celebrity, which it turns out is a lot.
_____
Fry: Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Ow, my head! Ow, my feet!
 Professor: Keep your chin up. 
 Fry: Ow, my chin!
_____
Robot priest: And so we commend Vladimir's remains to the earth: 
   filings to filings, rust to rust.
_____
Bender: Oh no! Not the magnet!
_____
Professor: I knew I should have shown him "Electro-Gonnorhea, the Noisy Killer."
_____
"Aw, poor baby, chipped a fang." -Leela 
"Hey, I got a busted ass here! I don't see anyone kissing it." -Bender 
"All right, I'm coming." -Zoidberg
_____
Zoidberg: That's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid for lunch to 
 discuss my Hollywood dream. The next time you see me, don't
 be surprised if I've eaten.
_____
"This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in... if he were a
fiddler crab." -Fry
_____
Fry: It's like a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up.
_____
Bender: A woman like that you gotta romance first!
_____
"And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place
where I too hope one day to go: the toilet." 
	-Prof. Farnsworth
_____
Robot Nite - Designated device drivers drink free
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "It funny because it's poisonous." 
Fry: "Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp."
_____
Famous Original Ray's Superior Court
_____
Brooklyn Aquarium, special exhibit: boids of da wattah
_____
Fry: Where's Captain Bender? Off catastrophizing some other planet?
_____
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical 
 standpoint.
_____
Leela: "Well, it's a type M planet, so it should at least have
Roddenberries."
_____
Cubert: "Robots are very good at keeping secrets." 
Bender: "No, we're not, you little bed-wetter. Oops, I'm sorry."
_____
Marv Albert: He's really showing us what a man with a cannon 
   in his chest can do.
_____
"Trespassers, eh?" -farmer 
 "No, sir. We're amusement park patrons." -Fry 
 "Oooh, that's a wicked sinful place. Tilt-a-whirl's okay, but the rest is
mighty wicked." -farmer
_____
Bender: I need a calculator.
 Fry: You are a calculator.
 Bender: I need a good calculator.
_____
Gypsy robot: You want to die? 
   Bender: No, I wanna live! There's still too many things I don't own.
_____
Niblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in 
   order to wipe out all thought in the universe. 
 Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.
_____
Paul: Good way to avoid frostbite, folks, put your hands between 
 your buttocks. That's nature's pocket.
_____
Bender: "Blackmail's such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it
sound cool."
_____
Michelle: I can't find a vanishing cream that doesn't make me actually vanish.
_____
"Planet Express: our crew is replaceable, your package isn't." -Advertisement
_____
"C'mon, it's just like making love. Y'know, left, down, rotate sixty-two
degrees, engage rotors...." -Bender
_____
"This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in... if he were a
fiddler crab." -Fry
_____
Officers' club: We don't know but we've been told, our beer on tap is 
 mighty cold.
_____
"As a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman,
I'll be over Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure." -Zapp
_____
Leela: "Oh my God, we're heading straight into a black hole!" 
Fry: "Talk about a mood killer."
_____
Fatbot: "I heard that in one single night you drank a whole keg, streaked across
campus, and crammed fifty-eight humans into a phone booth."
Bender: "Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were children...."
_____
"All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo!"
 --Morbo
_____
Leela: I love his boyish charm, but I hate his childishness.
_____
Bender: Old New York, the city that inspired a casino in Las Vegas.
_____
"And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place
where I too hope one day to go: the toilet." 
	-Prof. Farnsworth
_____
Leela: "Oh my God, we're heading straight into a black hole!" 
Fry: "Talk about a mood killer."
_____
"Trespassers, eh?" -farmer 
 "No, sir. We're amusement park patrons." -Fry 
 "Oooh, that's a wicked sinful place. Tilt-a-whirl's okay, but the rest is
mighty wicked." -farmer
_____
Bender: "Oh my God, I'm so excited I wish I could wet my pants."
_____
Leela: Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer and 
   reprogram it to let them go. 
 Bender: Maybe you can interface with my ass... by biting it.
_____
"Y'know, Zap, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I
realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But 
 now I realize that outside that child is just a big pompous buffoon."
-Leela
_____
Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot?
 Professor: No. Why would I know that?
_____
"From this day forth, Robot House is on dodecatuple secret probation." -Dean
Vernon
_____
Hermes: "Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams
things."
_____
Roberto: Geez, I've seen lines move faster in a sperm bank.
_____
"All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo!"
 --Morbo
_____
Fry: What's with the eye?
_____
Fry: "Hey, you guys, the most amazing thing happened, it's two-for-one
Tuesday at Krispy Kreme! Plus there's mermaids."
_____
"He's an animal. He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus on one of those
tiny tricycles. Now that's entertainment." -Fry
_____
Leela: "We've blown out one of our engines." 
Fry: "Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it... fix it, fix it, fix
it!"
_____
Fry: "You know what I like best about you, Umbrielle? You find me
fascinating, even when I'm not claiming to be a jewel thief 
or a lion tamer."
_____
Got protoplasm?
_____
Fry: Whoah. Check out that guy. He makes Speedy Gonzales look like 
 Regular Gonzalez.
_____
"Aw, poor baby, chipped a fang." -Leela 
"Hey, I got a busted ass here! I don't see anyone kissing it." -Bender 
"All right, I'm coming." -Zoidberg
_____
Zapp: She's built like a steak house but she handles like a bistro.
_____
One of Bender's kids: Can we have Bender burgers again? 
 Bender: No, the cat shelter's onto me.
_____
Bender: Well I don't have anything else planned for today, let's get drunk!
_____
Professor: Anywho, your net suits will let you experience Fry's 
 worm-infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them. 
 Zoidberg: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like.
_____
nappster.com: Download any celebrity from A.A. Milne to Z.Z. Top
_____
"I'm a fraud - a poor, lazy, sexy fraud." -Bender
_____
"As a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman,
I'll be over Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure." -Zapp
_____
Fry: Have you ever been in love?
 Worm Mayor: No, I thought I was once, but then I remembered our 
 species reproduces with a cloud of spores.
_____
Fry: "Hey, you guys, the most amazing thing happened, it's two-for-one
Tuesday at Krispy Kreme! Plus there's mermaids."
_____
nappster.com: Download any celebrity from A.A. Milne to Z.Z. Top
_____
Amy: "Bender, your beer belly's so big your door won't even close. And that
 doesn't even make sense."
_____
Fry: Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.
_____
Fry: How did I get Leela to love me? I've got to figure it out. 
 Hermes: Maybe you're just a fantastic lover, Fry. 
 Amy: No.
_____
(talking to the Beastie Boys) 
Fry: Wow. I love you guys. Back in the 20th century, I had all five of
 your albums.
Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven. 
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones. And a couple of blank tapes?
_____
"Good news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the
virus planet." -Professor 
 "Why can't they go today?" 
 "Because tonight's a special night, and I want all of you to be alive."
-Professor
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Okay, so you're nonchalant, stop rubbing our noses in it.
_____
Leela: "He's crude and gross and he treats me like a slave." 
Fry: "Then dump his one-eyed ass."
_____
Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's 
 court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.
_____
"And so, on behalf of the entire city, I thank you Professor Farnsworth. I
now present you with the Academy Prize, which we 
 confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a
jackass." -Mayor
_____
Marv Albert: He's really showing us what a man with a cannon 
   in his chest can do.
_____
Leela: Hold Still, I don't have good depth perception!
_____
Bender: "In the event of an emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation
device."
_____
Zapp: Now that's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes.
_____
Morbo: "Morbo demands an answer to the following question. If you saw 
 a delicious candy in the hands of a small child. Would you 
 seize and consume it?" 
John Jackson: "Unthinkable."
Jack Johnson: "I wouldn't think of it." 
Morbo: "What about you Mr. Nixon? I remind you. You are under of a 
 truth-o-scope."
Nixon: "Question is vague. You don't say what kind of candy and 
 whether anyone is watching. In anyway I certainly wouldn't
 harm the child."
_____
"Trespassers, eh?" -farmer 
 "No, sir. We're amusement park patrons." -Fry 
 "Oooh, that's a wicked sinful place. Tilt-a-whirl's okay, but the rest is
mighty wicked." -farmer
_____
Leela: Now strip naked and get on the probulator.
_____
Bender: That probulator sure knows how to please a man.
_____
Marv Albert: He's really showing us what a man with a cannon 
   in his chest can do.
_____
"Hey, I'm startin' to get the hang of this game. The blerns are loaded. The
count's three blerns and two anti-blerns, and the 
 infield blern rule is in effect. Right?" -Fry 
 "Other than the word blern, that was complete gibberish." -Leela
_____
Officers' club: We don't know but we've been told, our beer on tap is 
 mighty cold.
_____
Morbo: "Morbo demands an answer to the following question. If you saw 
 a delicious candy in the hands of a small child. Would you 
 seize and consume it?" 
John Jackson: "Unthinkable."
Jack Johnson: "I wouldn't think of it." 
Morbo: "What about you Mr. Nixon? I remind you. You are under of a 
 truth-o-scope."
Nixon: "Question is vague. You don't say what kind of candy and 
 whether anyone is watching. In anyway I certainly wouldn't
 harm the child."
_____
Loew's Qaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater
_____
Zapp: She's built like a steak house but she handles like a bistro.
_____
Leela: Ah, maybe they're right, maybe Nibbler is dumb.
 Fry: Don't listen to them, Leela. People said I was dumb but I proved them!
_____
Leela: Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer and 
   reprogram it to let them go. 
 Bender: Maybe you can interface with my ass... by biting it.
_____
Alcazar: "Leela, this must all be very confusing." 
Leela: "A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it."
_____
Human female: "And so with two weeks left in the campaign, the question 
 on everyone's mind is, who will be the president of Earth? 
 Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson. 
 Two terrific candidates, Morbo?" 
Morbo: "All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo." 
Human female: "In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan 
 today, where titanium mine collapsed, trapping one thousand 
 robot workers. Unless something is done quickly the trapped 
 robots will be dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue 
 operations are planned?" 
Mine spokesman: "The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with 
 our lives." 
Morbo: "The news of mine's closing sent titanium prices sky 
 rocketing."
_____
Fry: "They're great! They're like sex except I'm having them."
_____
Leela: I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again you screwed 
 up. Now all the planets are gonna start crackin' wise about our mommas. 
 Hermes: I'm just glad my fat ugly momma isn't alive to see this day.
_____
Zapp: She's built like a steak house but she handles like a bistro.
_____
Hermes: "Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams
things."
_____
Professor Nerdstrom: Sit. I said sit! Bad fish!
_____
Zoidberg: "Hooray, I'm useful. I'm having a wonderful time."
_____
"This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in... if he were a
fiddler crab." -Fry
_____
Leela: You guys distract the were-car, and I'll kill it by plugging its 
   exhaust pipe with this silver potato.
_____
Hermes: Dating your ex, Fry? Have you lost all self-respect?
 Fry: All what?
_____
Zapp: Now that's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes.
_____
Zoidberg: Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough to be thrown back!
_____
"I'm gonna be a famous hero just like Neil Armstrong and those other brave
guys no one ever heard of." -Fry
_____
Adelai: A package is just a box until it's delivered.
_____
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are 
 you jacking on in there?
_____
"Aw, poor baby, chipped a fang." -Leela 
"Hey, I got a busted ass here! I don't see anyone kissing it." -Bender 
"All right, I'm coming." -Zoidberg
_____
One of Bender's kids: Our dad is a giant toy!
_____
Fry: Augh, I am so unlucky. I've run over black cats that were luckier than me.
_____
Amy: Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual.
_____
Bender: OK, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals.
_____
Professor: While you were gone the Trotters held a news conference 
   to announce that I was a jive sucker.
_____
"Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated
type." -Leela
_____
Zoidberg: That's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid for lunch to 
 discuss my Hollywood dream. The next time you see me, don't
 be surprised if I've eaten.
_____
Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his 
   humanity the way only a woman can. 
 Professor: You're going to do his laundry?
_____
Amy: "What about Umbrielle?" 
Fry: "Well, it turned out I loved her, but I wasn't in love with her." 
Amy: "Trouble in bed."
_____
(talking to the Beastie Boys) 
Fry: Wow. I love you guys. Back in the 20th century, I had all five of
 your albums.
Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven. 
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones. And a couple of blank tapes?
_____
"It was nice of you to let me reattach your arm."
 --Zoidber
_____
Leela: And nappster says illegal copies never hurt anybody.
_____
Fry: Hey, I don't see you planning for your old age.
 Bender: I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off switch to off.
_____
Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!
_____
Bob Barker: "Which one of these lovely womanoids will take home atomic tiara?"
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Look at me! I'm Dr. Zoidberg, home-owner!"
_____
Leela: Ah, maybe they're right, maybe Nibbler is dumb.
 Fry: Don't listen to them, Leela. People said I was dumb but I proved them!
_____
Bender: That probulator sure knows how to please a man.
_____
Michelle: You should be chief.
 Fry: What do I need, ulcers?
_____
Fry: "Well, thanks to the internet I'm now bored with sex. Is ther a place
on the web that panders to my lust for violence?" 
Bender: "Is the space-pope reptilian?"
_____
"I'm a fraud - a poor, lazy, sexy fraud." -Bender
_____
Bender: He's gay. 
Leela: How do you know? 
Bender: I have this thing called gaydar.
_____
"Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh." -Fry 
"Well, it's a Fox affiliate." -TV worker guy 
"What are you showing right now?" -Fry 
"'Single Female Lawyer.' It's the season finale. Wanna watch?" -TV worker
guy 
"I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World's
Blankiest Blank." -Fry 
"She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt." -TV worker guy 
"I'm in." -Fry
_____
Loew's Qaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater
_____
Paul: Good way to avoid frostbite, folks, put your hands between 
 your buttocks. That's nature's pocket.
_____
Bender: Oh... your... God.
_____
Fry: Ah, the Breakfast Club soundtrack. Man, I can't wait until I'm old 
   enough to feel ways about stuff.
_____
Fry: Ooh, Big Pink. It's the only gum with the breath freshening power of ham.
 Bender: And it pinkens your teeth while you chew.
_____
Applied Cryogenics: It seems to work OK.
_____
Leela: Is there some way to keep them from breeding?
 Paul: Cold showers don't work on Antarctic creatures.
_____
Futurama is brought to you by Thompson's Teeth, the 
only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth.
_____
Professor: Dirt doesn't need luck.
_____
Fry: "Hey, you guys, the most amazing thing happened, it's two-for-one
Tuesday at Krispy Kreme! Plus there's mermaids."
_____
Leela: Oh no, there's no exhaust pipe.
   Project Satan: That's right. Thanks to Ed Begley Jr.'s electric motor, the 
   most evil propulsion system ever conceived!
_____
Leela: You guys distract the were-car, and I'll kill it by plugging its 
   exhaust pipe with this silver potato.
_____
If food is not reasonably clean, return uneaten portion for partial refund
_____
Amy: Worms? Ew, pukatronic!
_____
Leela: "It's amazing that your people can fall in love so fast." 
Zoidberg: "Love? That word is unknown here. I'm simply looking for a female
 swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material." 
Fry: "You and me both, brother."
_____
Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter
_____
Fry: "Maybe he has a parasite." 
Hermes: "Maybe he is a parasite."
_____
Farnsworth: Oh no! I should do something....but i am already in my pajamas.
_____
Cubert: "Why do I have to be the hump?" 
Fry: "'Cause you're too ugly to be a wart."
_____
If food is not reasonably clean, return uneaten portion for partial refund
_____
Amy: "Way to go, Professor, the plan worked." 
Mom: "Plan? What plan? I thought this was a spontaneous whirlwind of hot dry
sex."
_____
Robot priest: And so we commend Vladimir's remains to the earth: 
   filings to filings, rust to rust.
_____
Professor: Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat 
 their heart to gain their courage. Their rich tasty courage.
_____
Earth men are real men!
_____
Bender: "In the event of an emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation
device."
_____
Awards ceremony in progress 
 No pooping
_____
Fry: Whoah. Check out that guy. He makes Speedy Gonzales look like 
 Regular Gonzalez.
_____
"But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault
line between this mass of coffee grounds and this 
 deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor 
 "In theory, it could work." -General 
 "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a
mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom 
 "Aw, jeez." -Bender
_____
Bender: OK, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals.
_____
Professor Nerdstrom: Sit. I said sit! Bad fish!
_____
"Eureka!" -Professor 
 "Did you build the Smell-o-scope?" -Fry 
 "No. I remembered that I built one last year." -Professor
_____
Fan: "Aha ha, fan beats man."
_____
"I'm gonna be a famous hero just like Neil Armstrong and those other brave
guys no one ever heard of." -Fry
_____
Give a hoot-o 
 Don't pollute Pluto
_____
Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot?
 Professor: No. Why would I know that?
_____
War over! Balls thoroughly licked.
_____
Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's 
 court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.
_____
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are 
 you jacking on in there?
_____
"Please don't hit me! I'm brittle!"
 --Zoidberg
_____
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
_____
Final Curtain 
 Old Actors' Home
_____
"I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of
sleaze that those things bring." -Bender
_____
"I'm gonna go build my own theme park... with blackjack and hookers! In
fact, forget the park!" -Bender
_____
Bender: Hey! What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one
 hooker.
_____
Fry: "You know what I like best about you, Umbrielle? You find me
fascinating, even when I'm not claiming to be a jewel thief 
or a lion tamer."
_____
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical 
 standpoint.
_____
Leela: Your face can take a lot of punishment. That's good to know. 
 Fry: There's a lot about my face you don't know.
_____
Michelle: You expect me to live in a tiny little hole?
 Fry: It'd be deeper, but I'm standing on a gopher.
_____
Leela: I guess you never really outgrow being an eyeball... oddball.
_____
Were-Bender: Oh boy, I feel like a car in a candy store.
_____
Bender: Fry, of all the friends I've had, you're the first.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "It funny because it's poisonous." 
Fry: "Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp."
_____
Fry: "Hey, professor, what are you teaching this semester?"
Prof. Farnsworth: "Same thing I teach every semester, the mathematics of 
quantum nutrino fields. I made up the title so that no student would 
dare take it."
Fry: "Mathematics of wonton burrito meals...." 
Prof. Farnsworth: "Please, Fry, I don't know how to teach. I'm a professor."
_____
Bender: I need a calculator.
 Fry: You are a calculator.
 Bender: I need a good calculator.
_____
Zoidberg: So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out 
   of patients' bodies....
_____
Hermes: "The poor demented honky."
_____
Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you 
   take it all and I say enough!
_____
Bender: "You know the secret of traditional robot cooking? Start with a good
high-quality oil, then eat it."
_____
The boss: "Get a load of ball bearings on this guy."
_____
"Hurry up! I wanna see the moon." -Fry 
 "Relax. It's open 'till nine." -Leela
_____
Professor: "Good news, everyone, the university is bringing me up on
disclipinary charges. Wait, that's not good news at all."
_____
Calculon: An Oscar, you say? That would get me out of this festering 
   rats' nest called television once and for all.
_____
Alcazar: "I hope you don't think less of me becuase I live in a giant
castle."
_____
"What am I gonna do?" -Fry 
 "We've got to get the emperor out of your body before they kill you." -Amy 
 "Relax, Fry, I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge separating
out the denser fluid of his highness." 
 "Won't that crush my bones?" -Fry 
 "Oh, right, right, with the bones. I always forget about the bones."
_____
Bender: Hey! What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one
 hooker.
_____
"I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific fraud like global warming
or second-hand smoke." -Mayor
_____
Al Gore to Fry: "You fool! You foolish fool!"
_____
Fry: Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.
_____
Leela: You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever.
_____
"This is an outrage! I demand to know what happened to the plucky lawyer and
her compellingly short garments." -alien
_____
Bender: "Tell the Donbot I'm quitting organized crime. From now on I'll stick
to the regular kind."
_____
"I'm gonna go build my own theme park... with blackjack and hookers! In
fact, forget the park!" -Bender
_____
One of Bender's kids: Can we have Bender burgers again? 
 Bender: No, the cat shelter's onto me.
_____
Professor: "If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, you can bet I won't be
out of loop."
_____
Leela: Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer and 
   reprogram it to let them go. 
 Bender: Maybe you can interface with my ass... by biting it.
_____
Pop a Poppler in your mouth 
When you come to Fishy Joe's 
What they're made of is a mystery 
Where they come from no one knows 
You can pick 'em you can lick 'em you can chew 'em you can stick 'em 
If you promise not to sue us you can shove one up your nose.
_____
Robot Nite - Designated device drivers drink free
_____
Hermes: Dating your ex, Fry? Have you lost all self-respect?
 Fry: All what?
_____
"Why don't you just come move in with me?" -Bender 
 "Really? That would be great! You sure I won't be imposing?" -Fry 
 "Nah. I've always wanted a pet." -Bender
_____
Paul: Good way to avoid frostbite, folks, put your hands between 
 your buttocks. That's nature's pocket.
_____
Tonight's special, blackened blackened leftovers
_____
Officers' club: We don't know but we've been told, our beer on tap is 
 mighty cold.
_____
"Listen, Bender, where's your bathroom?" -Fry 
 "Bath what?" -Bender 
 "Bathroom." -Fry 
 "What room?" -Bender 
 "Bathroom!" -Fry 
 "What what?" Bender 
 "Ah, nevermind." -Fry
_____
"Please don't hit me! I'm brittle!"
 --Zoidberg
_____
"Good news, everyone." -Professor 
 "Uh oh. I don't like the sound of that." -Bender 
 "You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisaw." -Professor 
 "Here it comes." -Bender 
 "A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the forbidden zone."
-Professor 
 "Thank you, and goodnight." -Bender
_____
Fry: "Hey, you guys, the most amazing thing happened, it's two-for-one
Tuesday at Krispy Kreme! Plus there's mermaids."
_____
Fry: "Very impressive. Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a
university on Mars."
Prof. Farnsworth: "Well in those days Mars was just a dreary uninhabitable 
wasteland... much like Utah. But unlike Utah, it was eventually made livable,
when the university was founded in 2636."
Leela: "They planted traditional college foliage: ivy, trees, hemp...."
_____
Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's 
 court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.
_____
Amy: Worms? Ew, pukatronic!
_____
Fry: I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having disks crammed 
 into me... unless they're Oreos, and then only in the mouth.
_____
Bender: I ain't your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much. 
   You even love anybody pretending to be him!
 Angleyne: Well, maybe I love you so much I love you no matter 
   who you're pretending to be.
 Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that.
_____
Henry Kissinger: Young man, you have the bravery of a hero and breath 
 as fresh as a summer ham.
_____
Bender: "Argh. The laws of science be a harsh mistress."
_____
Alcazar: "Leela, this must all be very confusing." 
Leela: "A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it."
_____
Amy: Worms? Ew, pukatronic!
_____
Awards ceremony in progress 
 No pooping
_____
Zapp: The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongey and bruised.
_____
"I never told anybody this, but a thousand years ago I used to look up at
the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just 
 didn't have the grades, or the physical endurance, plus I threw up a lot,
and nobody liked spending a week with me." -Fry
_____
Niblonian 1: You must tell him to disable it. We will do the rest.
 Leela: You can count on me! 
 Niblonian 1: No we can't. Once on Earth, you will be too stupid 
   to remember the message.
 Niblonian 2: That's why we wrote it down. 
 Niblonian 3: We've also prepared a bag lunch and some mittens.
_____
"Well, I give up. What's the catch?" -Fry 
 "Oh, no catch. Although we are, technically, in New Jersey." -Real estate
agent
_____
"C'mon, it's just like making love. Y'know, left, down, rotate sixty-two
degrees, engage rotors...." -Bender
_____
Fry: I've only got two fantasies left: to be invisible in a 
chocolate factory, and to be romantically linked to a  celebrity.
 Bender: I could pound your head 'til you think that's what happened.
 Fry: Okay.
_____
"Bender, I don't care whether you have money. I love you for your artificial
intelligence and your sincerity simulator."
 -Countess de la Roca
_____
Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his 
   humanity the way only a woman can. 
 Professor: You're going to do his laundry?
_____
Fry: What are we going to do? 
 Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery. 
 Amy: No, let's buy internet stock.
 Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
 Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible.
 Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
 Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party!
 Everyone: Yeah!
_____
"I learned how to handle delicate social situations from a little show
called 'Three's Company.'" -Fry
_____
"I learned how to handle delicate social situations from a little show
called 'Three's Company.'" -Fry
_____
Fry: "Hey, you guys, the most amazing thing happened, it's two-for-one
Tuesday at Krispy Kreme! Plus there's mermaids."
_____
Cubert: "Why do I have to be the hump?" 
Fry: "'Cause you're too ugly to be a wart."
_____
"It was nice of you to let me reattach your arm."
 --Zoidber
_____
Hermes: "Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams
things."
_____
Fry: So, there's an infinite number of parallel universes?
 Professor: No, just the two.
 Fry: Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough.
_____
Cops: I'm going to get 24th Century on his ass!
_____
Fry: Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Ow, my head! Ow, my feet!
 Professor: Keep your chin up. 
 Fry: Ow, my chin!
_____
Tonight's special, blackened blackened leftovers
_____
Professor: "The thought of caressing that leathery hide makes the tapioca
rise in my gullet" 
Fry: "Professor, please, the fate of the world depends on you getting to
second base with Mom." 
Professor: "Very well, if cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall."
_____
Al Gore to Fry: "You fool! You foolish fool!"
_____
Zoidberg: "Hooray, I'm useful. I'm having a wonderful time."
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Look at me! I'm Dr. Zoidberg, home-owner!"
_____
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
_____
Fry: Leela, Bender, we're going grave-robbing.
 Bender: I'll get my kit!
_____
Leela: And nappster says illegal copies never hurt anybody.
_____
"Maybe you can't understand this, but I finally found what I need to be
happy, and it's not friends, it's things." -Fry
_____
"Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get
out and see the real world." -Leela 
"But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world." -Fry 
"Everyone's too polite to say anything, but you're covered with bed sores."
	-Leela 
"Not covered." -Fry
_____
Amy: Worms? Ew, pukatronic!
_____
Human female: "The holiday season is time of celebration for most but it is 
 also the time to remember the tragic suffering of the less 
 fortunate." 
Morbo: "Earthlings do not yet know the meaning of suffering." 
Human female: "Earlier today I visited the shelter for down-and-out robots. 
 Homeless robots too poor to afford even the basic alcohol they 
 need fuel their circuits. Is there anything sadder? 
 Only drowning puppies and there have to be a lot of them."
_____
"That's one small step for Fry..." -Fry 
 "...and one giant line for admission." -stranger in line
_____
Fry: That clover helped my rat-fink brother steal my dream of going into 
   space. Now I'll never get there. 
 Leela: You went there this morning for donuts.
_____
Zapp: "Why'd you open your bong-hole, you smelly hippie? You'd sacrifice a
beautiful woman to save a moderately attractive 
monkey? You must have smoked some bad granola."
_____
"Didn't you have ads in the twentieth century?" -Leela 
 "Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio...and in
magazines...and movies, and at ballgames, and on buses, and 
 milk cartons, and T-shirts, and bananas, and written in the sky. But not in
dreams, no sirree." -Fry
_____
Bender: This is the Brooklyn-bound B train making local stops at wherever 
 the hell I feel like, watch for the closing doors.
_____
"It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows: at the end of
the episode, everything's always right back to normal." -Fry
_____
Hermes: "Hail, Atlanta."
_____
Gypsy robot: You want to die? 
   Bender: No, I wanna live! There's still too many things I don't own.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Help! A guinea pig tricked me."
_____
Brooklyn Aquarium, special exhibit: boids of da wattah
_____
Fry: "You know what I like best about you, Umbrielle? You find me
fascinating, even when I'm not claiming to be a jewel thief 
or a lion tamer."
_____
Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
_____
"Good news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the
virus planet." -Professor 
 "Why can't they go today?" 
 "Because tonight's a special night, and I want all of you to be alive."
-Professor
_____
Bender: A woman like that you gotta romance first!
_____
Roberto: Geez, I've seen lines move faster in a sperm bank.
_____
"Bender, we didn't mind your drinking or your cleptomania or your
pornography ring." -Leela 
 "In fact, that's why we love you." -Zoidberg
_____
Leela: You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever.
_____
Bender: Pardon me, brother. Care to donate to the anti-mugging you fund?
 Leela: We don't need to beg, Bender. For God's sake, we're not veterans.
_____
Star Tours
 Note: bus does not leave earth
_____
"Why don't you just come move in with me?" -Bender 
 "Really? That would be great! You sure I won't be imposing?" -Fry 
 "Nah. I've always wanted a pet." -Bender
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "A successor to the professor?"
_____
"Why don't you just come move in with me?" -Bender 
 "Really? That would be great! You sure I won't be imposing?" -Fry 
 "Nah. I've always wanted a pet." -Bender
_____
Professor: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it.
_____
"Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone's going to jump out of
it, make sure to put them in after you cook it." 
 -Leela
_____
Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter
_____
"In case you were wondering, that was just for Zapp." 
	-Leela, after kissing Fry
_____
Edna: "Teach me to love you, squishy poet from beyond the stars." 
Fry: "I'm flattered, really. If I was gonna do it with a big freaky mud bug,
 you'd be way up the list."
_____
Leela: Is there some way to keep them from breeding?
 Paul: Cold showers don't work on Antarctic creatures.
_____
Got protoplasm?
_____
Fry: Have you ever been in love?
 Worm Mayor: No, I thought I was once, but then I remembered our 
 species reproduces with a cloud of spores.
_____
Fry: Hey, I don't see you planning for your old age.
 Bender: I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off switch to off.
_____
Cubert: "Why do I have to be the hump?" 
Fry: "'Cause you're too ugly to be a wart."
_____
Hermes to Bender: "What did you get her, you mushy gizmo?"
_____
Fry: Ooh, Big Pink. It's the only gum with the breath freshening power of ham.
 Bender: And it pinkens your teeth while you chew.
_____
"And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place
where I too hope one day to go: the toilet." 
	-Prof. Farnsworth
_____
Bender: "Blackmail's such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it
sound cool."
_____
Old robot: What are ye doing? 
   Bender: We're whaling on the original were-car, which is you, you jerk.   
   Old robot: Ye think me be he? 
   Bender: Si.   
   Old robot: Nee. I mean, no.
_____
"Take it off or else I break it off." -Leela, with Fry's arm around her
_____
Leela: "It's amazing that your people can fall in love so fast." 
Zoidberg: "Love? That word is unknown here. I'm simply looking for a female
 swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material." 
Fry: "You and me both, brother."
_____
Fan: "Aha ha, fan beats man."
_____
"This is an outrage! I demand to know what happened to the plucky lawyer and
her compellingly short garments." -alien
_____
Calculon: I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this.
_____
"Y'know, Zap, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I
realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But 
 now I realize that outside that child is just a big pompous buffoon."
-Leela
_____
Professor: "Good news, everyone, the university is bringing me up on
disclipinary charges. Wait, that's not good news at all."
_____
"Hey, you know what'd cheer you up? You should get yourself a puppy." -Amy 
"A puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies...." -Leela
_____
Professor: Superstitious robot mumbo jumbo.   
   Old robot: Mumbo, perhaps, jumbo, perhaps not.
_____
Zapp: She's built like a steak house but she handles like a bistro.
_____
Brannigan: You'll be negotiating with the aliens' mysterious leaders, the 
 Brain Balls. They've got a lot of brains, and they've got a lot of chutzpah.
_____
If food is not reasonably clean, return uneaten portion for partial refund
_____
Professor: The tanker has six-thousand hulls, so, unlike me, 
   it's entirely leak-proof.
_____
"It was nice of you to let me reattach your arm."
 --Zoidber
_____
Human female: "The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to 
 it's highest level in centuries, six percent." 
Morbo: "Exit poll show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing with 
 estimated zero votes." 
Human female: "The time is 7:59 and the robot polls are now opening. And 
 robot votes are now in. Nixon has won." 
Morbo: "Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death 
 come quickly to his enemies."
_____
Hermes: "The poor demented honky."
_____
Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange
   wax in my ears.
_____
Worm Mayor: One day you'll be eating a fast-food burger and BOOM, 
 you'll be crawling with us again. Ever wonder what makes 
 special sauce so special? Yo.
_____
"I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific fraud like global warming
or second-hand smoke." -Mayor
_____
Fry: "Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. Yes?" 
Zoidberg: "Is the desire to mate a feeling?"
_____
Professor Farnsworth: "He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for
ocean rudeness."
_____
Bender: "Hey, guess what you're accessories to?"
_____
Bender: "Hey, guess what you're accessories to?"
_____
"Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone's going to jump out of
it, make sure to put them in after you cook it." 
 -Leela
_____
"Please don't hit me! I'm brittle!"
 --Zoidberg
_____
Bender: "Is he dumb or just ugly?"
_____
Fry: How did I get Leela to love me? I've got to figure it out. 
 Hermes: Maybe you're just a fantastic lover, Fry. 
 Amy: No.
_____
Mom's son: "Hell hath no fury like the vast robot armies of a woman
scorned."
_____
Hermes: "I miss my wife and my oxygen." 
Professor Farnsworth: "Yes, we all miss our loved ones and gases."
_____
Bender: I can't keep running people over. I'm not famous enough 
   to get away with it.
_____
Leela: "There it is, the near-death star."
_____
Bender: Pardon me, brother. Care to donate to the anti-mugging you fund?
 Leela: We don't need to beg, Bender. For God's sake, we're not veterans.
_____
Alcazar: "Leela, this must all be very confusing." 
Leela: "A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it."
_____
"I learned how to handle delicate social situations from a little show
called 'Three's Company.'" -Fry
_____
Old robot: I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.
_____
Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
_____
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are 
 you jacking on in there?
_____
Professor: I knew I should have shown him "Electro-Gonnorhea, the Noisy Killer."
_____
Fry: What are we going to do? 
 Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery. 
 Amy: No, let's buy internet stock.
 Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
 Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible.
 Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
 Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party!
 Everyone: Yeah!
_____
"Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated
type." -Leela
_____
Bender: "Hey, guess what you're accessories to?"
_____
"Why would a robot need to drink?" -Fry 
 "I don't need to drink, I can quit anytime I want." -Bender
_____
"This is turning into one very sexy struggle for the human race."
 -Zapp Brannigan
_____
Bender: Oh... your... God.
_____
Leela: Well, goodnight. I'm gonna go make my dinners for the next month 
   and freeze them.
_____
Alcazar: "Leela, this must all be very confusing." 
Leela: "A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it."
_____
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are 
 you jacking on in there?
_____
Paul: It seems dark-matter is nature's sex drug. It's like a perverted 
 trail mix of penguin estrogen, penguine Viagra and Spanish penguin fly.
_____
Tonight's special, blackened leftovers
_____
Pop a Poppler in your mouth 
When you come to Fishy Joe's 
What they're made of is a mystery 
Where they come from no one knows 
You can pick 'em you can lick 'em you can chew 'em you can stick 'em 
If you promise not to sue us you can shove one up your nose.
_____
Fry: I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having disks crammed 
 into me... unless they're Oreos, and then only in the mouth.
_____
Professor Farnsworth: "Oh my, that steamed carrot was a bit spicy for me."
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Okay, so you're nonchalant, stop rubbing our noses in it.
_____
Leela: I love his boyish charm, but I hate his childishness.
_____
Bender: I get a good vibe from this place. Nice long dinner table, 
   quiet well-behaved spiders, graveyards adjacent....
_____
"In case you were wondering, that was just for Zapp." 
	-Leela, after kissing Fry
_____
Calculon: I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this.
_____
"C'mon, it's just like making love. Y'know, left, down, rotate sixty-two
degrees, engage rotors...." -Bender
_____
Zapp: The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongey and bruised.
_____
Earth Army Recruiting Center: What are you, chicken? Buk buk buk!
_____
Bender: I can't keep running people over. I'm not famous enough 
   to get away with it.
_____
"Trespassers, eh?" -farmer 
 "No, sir. We're amusement park patrons." -Fry 
 "Oooh, that's a wicked sinful place. Tilt-a-whirl's okay, but the rest is
mighty wicked." -farmer
_____
"Why would a robot need to drink?" -Fry 
 "I don't need to drink, I can quit anytime I want." -Bender
_____
"Please select mode of death: quick and painless or slow and horrible."
 "Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call." -Fry 
 "You have selected slow and horrible." -Automated voice 
 "Great choice." -Bender
_____
Leela: Hold Still, I don't have good depth perception!
_____
"Hey, I'm startin' to get the hang of this game. The blerns are loaded. The
count's three blerns and two anti-blerns, and the 
 infield blern rule is in effect. Right?" -Fry 
 "Other than the word blern, that was complete gibberish." -Leela
_____
Applied Cryogenics: It seems to work OK.
_____
Farnsworth: Oh my God!! 
Fry: What is it? 
Farnsworth: It's..It's...It's my new pager!
_____
Fry: How did I get Leela to love me? I've got to figure it out. 
 Hermes: Maybe you're just a fantastic lover, Fry. 
 Amy: No.
_____
Morbo: "Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human 
 number one, puny human number two and Morbo's good friend 
 Richard Nixon." 
Nixon: "Hello Morbo. How's the family?" 
Morbo: "Belligerent and numerous." 
Nixon: "Good man, Nixon's pro-war and pro-family."
_____
Professor: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp 
    and their tweet tweet splat.
_____
Bender: I ain't your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much. 
   You even love anybody pretending to be him!
 Angleyne: Well, maybe I love you so much I love you no matter 
   who you're pretending to be.
 Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that.
_____
Adelai: A package is just a box until it's delivered.
_____
"Hey, sexy mama. Wanna kill all the humans?" -Bender
_____
Amy: Aw, he looks like a little insane drunken angel.
_____
Professor: "Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log onto AOL, and
it just went through. Whee! We're online."
_____
Fry: Ah, the Breakfast Club soundtrack. Man, I can't wait until I'm old 
   enough to feel ways about stuff.
_____
Fry: Have you ever been in love?
 Worm Mayor: No, I thought I was once, but then I remembered our 
 species reproduces with a cloud of spores.
_____
Professor Nerdstrom: Sit. I said sit! Bad fish!
_____
"This is Vergon 6." -Professor 
 "Bah." -Amy 
 It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little
doomed animals." -Professor
_____
Human female: "And so with two weeks left in the campaign, the question 
 on everyone's mind is, who will be the president of Earth? 
 Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson. 
 Two terrific candidates, Morbo?" 
Morbo: "All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo." 
Human female: "In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan 
 today, where titanium mine collapsed, trapping one thousand 
 robot workers. Unless something is done quickly the trapped 
 robots will be dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue 
 operations are planned?" 
Mine spokesman: "The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with 
 our lives." 
Morbo: "The news of mine's closing sent titanium prices sky 
 rocketing."
_____
"I might have liked Zap Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw
me in prison." -Leela "You really are too picky." 
 -Bender
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "A successor to the professor?"
_____
Michelle: You expect me to live in a tiny little hole?
 Fry: It'd be deeper, but I'm standing on a gopher.
_____
Leela: I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again you screwed 
 up. Now all the planets are gonna start crackin' wise about our mommas. 
 Hermes: I'm just glad my fat ugly momma isn't alive to see this day.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Look at me! I'm Dr. Zoidberg, home-owner!"
_____
Lucy Liu: That was incredible, Bender. You're like Jackie Chan 
   before he got all doughy.
_____
Amy: Aw, he looks like a little insane drunken angel.
_____
"But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault
line between this mass of coffee grounds and this 
 deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor 
 "In theory, it could work." -General 
 "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a
mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom 
 "Aw, jeez." -Bender
_____
Zapp: The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongey and bruised.
_____
"If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo."
-Professor
_____
Fry: So, there's an infinite number of parallel universes?
 Professor: No, just the two.
 Fry: Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough.
_____
Professor: The tanker has six-thousand hulls, so, unlike me, 
   it's entirely leak-proof.
_____
Leela: "He's crude and gross and he treats me like a slave." 
Fry: "Then dump his one-eyed ass."
_____
"Ahhh! We're gonna die! Right?" -Fry 
 "Right." -Bender 
 "Ahhh!" -Fry
_____
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical 
 standpoint.
_____
Professor Farnsworth: "Oh my, that steamed carrot was a bit spicy for me."
_____
Amy: "Way to go, Professor, the plan worked." 
Mom: "Plan? What plan? I thought this was a spontaneous whirlwind of hot dry
sex."
_____
"Leela, perhaps this is an awkward time, but if things don't work out with
this pipsqueak here, I just want you to know I'll be there to score you on
the rebound." -Zapp
_____
Fry: Lucy Liu-bot, if I don't survive the corn, I want you to know that I 
 love you as much as a man can love a computerized image of a gorgeous 
 celebrity, which it turns out is a lot.
_____
Bender: "Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending."
_____
"I love every living creature." -Leela 
"Even me?" -Fry 
"As a friend." -Leela
_____
nappster.com: Download any celebrity from A.A. Milne to Z.Z. Top
_____
Professor: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it.
_____
"Well, I give up. What's the catch?" -Fry 
 "Oh, no catch. Although we are, technically, in New Jersey." -Real estate
agent
_____
Leela: "We've blown out one of our engines." 
Fry: "Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it... fix it, fix it, fix
it!"
_____
"Good news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the
virus planet." -Professor 
 "Why can't they go today?" 
 "Because tonight's a special night, and I want all of you to be alive."
-Professor
_____
Morbo: "Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human 
 number one, puny human number two and Morbo's good friend 
 Richard Nixon." 
Nixon: "Hello Morbo. How's the family?" 
Morbo: "Belligerent and numerous." 
Nixon: "Good man, Nixon's pro-war and pro-family."
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Look at me! I'm Dr. Zoidberg, home-owner!"
_____
Zoidberg: Muy macho. Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin 
   your drinking water!
_____
Fry: That clover helped my rat-fink brother steal my dream of going into 
   space. Now I'll never get there. 
 Leela: You went there this morning for donuts.
_____
Bender: "Argh. The laws of science be a harsh mistress."
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Okay, so you're nonchalant, stop rubbing our noses in it.
_____
Roberto: Geez, I've seen lines move faster in a sperm bank.
_____
Michelle: When we get back to the hole we are going to have a long 
   boring talk about our relationship.
_____
Fry: What's with the eye?
_____
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
_____
Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?
_____
"It was nice of you to let me reattach your arm."
 --Zoidber
_____
Leela: Now strip naked and get on the probulator.
_____
Zoidberg: Muy macho. Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin 
   your drinking water!
_____
Earth Army Recruiting Center: What are you, chicken? Buk buk buk!
_____
Bender: He's gay. 
Leela: How do you know? 
Bender: I have this thing called gaydar.
_____
Fry: Where's Captain Bender? Off catastrophizing some other planet?
_____
The boss: "Get a load of ball bearings on this guy."
_____
Old robot: I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.
_____
Niblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in 
   order to wipe out all thought in the universe. 
 Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.
_____
Fry: I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be 
   chopped up into a patty. 
 Judge Whitey: Ah, the sixty-seventh ammendment.
_____
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
_____
nappster.com: Download any celebrity from A.A. Milne to Z.Z. Top
_____
Champion Pet Show Today 
 Kids: See Toucan Sam's death mask
_____
"Planet Express: our crew is replaceable, your package isn't." -Advertisement
_____
Fan: "Aha ha, fan beats man."
_____
"It was nice of you to let me reattach your arm."
 --Zoidber
_____
Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and 
 possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
_____
Mom's son: "Hell hath no fury like the vast robot armies of a woman
scorned."
_____
Leela: "We've blown out one of our engines." 
Fry: "Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it... fix it, fix it, fix
it!"
_____
Leela: I love his boyish charm, but I hate his childishness.
_____
"All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo!"
 --Morbo
_____
"It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows: at the end of
the episode, everything's always right back to normal." -Fry
_____
Robot Nite - Designated device drivers drink free
_____
Fry: Hey, I don't see you planning for your old age.
 Bender: I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off switch to off.
_____
Zapp: Now that's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes.
_____
Professor: Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good 
 captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender 
 is perfect for the job.
 Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.
_____
Earth men are real men!
_____
Fry: Leela, there's nothing wrong with anything.
_____
Leela: "Are you real, or am I seeing single?" 
Alcazar: "Ow. Of course I'm real." 
Leela: "After all this time, somebody else with one eye who isn't a clumsy
carpenter or a kid with a BB gun."
_____
Fry: Leela, Bender, we're going grave-robbing.
 Bender: I'll get my kit!
_____
Professor Farnsworth: "He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for
ocean rudeness."
_____
Bender: I don't know why, but when I look down at their little faces 
 it makes me want to puke... in a good way.
_____
Farnsworth: Oh my God!! 
Fry: What is it? 
Farnsworth: It's..It's...It's my new pager!
_____
"From this day forth, Robot House is on dodecatuple secret probation." -Dean
Vernon
_____
Fry: Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Ow, my head! Ow, my feet!
 Professor: Keep your chin up. 
 Fry: Ow, my chin!
_____
Professor: Dirt doesn't need luck.
_____
"Who would have though hell would really exist? And that it would be in New
Jersey?" -Leela 
"Actually..." - Fry
_____
Leela: You guys distract the were-car, and I'll kill it by plugging its 
   exhaust pipe with this silver potato.
_____
Professor: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp 
    and their tweet tweet splat.
_____
Leela: You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever.
_____
Zoidberg: Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough to be thrown back!
_____
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
_____
Hermes: Dating your ex, Fry? Have you lost all self-respect?
 Fry: All what?
_____
"I betcha Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye." -Fry 
 "That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes
and poke one out." -Bender 
 "Yeah, that'd be a timesaver." -Fry
_____
Professor Farnsworth: "Oh my, that steamed carrot was a bit spicy for me."
_____
Professor: "Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log onto AOL, and
it just went through. Whee! We're online."
_____
Leela: I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again you screwed 
 up. Now all the planets are gonna start crackin' wise about our mommas. 
 Hermes: I'm just glad my fat ugly momma isn't alive to see this day.
_____
Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you 
   take it all and I say enough!
_____
Fry: Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.
_____
Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!
_____
"I betcha Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye." -Fry 
 "That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes
and poke one out." -Bender 
 "Yeah, that'd be a timesaver." -Fry
_____
Fry: I want to see the edge of the universe.
 Amy: Ooh, that sounds cool. 
 Zoidberg: It's funny. You live in the universe by you 
  never do these things 'til someone comes to visit.
_____
Zoidberg: Muy macho. Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin 
   your drinking water!
_____
Edna: "Teach me to love you, squishy poet from beyond the stars." 
Fry: "I'm flattered, really. If I was gonna do it with a big freaky mud bug,
 you'd be way up the list."
_____
Fry: So, there's an infinite number of parallel universes?
 Professor: No, just the two.
 Fry: Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough.
_____
Edna: "Excuse me, I've got to powder my mouth flaps."
_____
Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!
_____
Old robot: What are ye doing? 
   Bender: We're whaling on the original were-car, which is you, you jerk.   
   Old robot: Ye think me be he? 
   Bender: Si.   
   Old robot: Nee. I mean, no.
_____
Marv Albert: He's really showing us what a man with a cannon 
   in his chest can do.
_____
Fry: Have you ever been in love?
 Worm Mayor: No, I thought I was once, but then I remembered our 
 species reproduces with a cloud of spores.
_____
Hermes: "The poor demented honky."
_____
Professor: Anywho, your net suits will let you experience Fry's 
 worm-infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them. 
 Zoidberg: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like.
_____
Leela: Bender's flying too low! And he's upside-down! 
 Protestor: He must be talking on a cell-phone.
_____
Leela: Now strip naked and get on the probulator.
_____
"Hey, I'm startin' to get the hang of this game. The blerns are loaded. The
count's three blerns and two anti-blerns, and the 
 infield blern rule is in effect. Right?" -Fry 
 "Other than the word blern, that was complete gibberish." -Leela
_____
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
_____
Brannigan: You'll be negotiating with the aliens' mysterious leaders, the 
 Brain Balls. They've got a lot of brains, and they've got a lot of chutzpah.
_____
Zoidberg: This letter has to be very personal, so I'm 
 	writing it in my own ink.
_____
Fry: It's like a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up.
_____
Professor: I knew I should have shown him "Electro-Gonnorhea, the Noisy Killer."
_____
Fry: Augh, I am so unlucky. I've run over black cats that were luckier than me.
_____
"Look, it's our nebula. Whenever I see it I'll think back to when we
almost..." (nebula gets sucked into the black hole) 
"Oop. Nevermind." -Fry
_____
Zoidberg: That's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid for lunch to 
 discuss my Hollywood dream. The next time you see me, don't
 be surprised if I've eaten.
_____
"Bender, I don't care whether you have money. I love you for your artificial
intelligence and your sincerity simulator."
 -Countess de la Roca
_____
Old robot: What are ye doing? 
   Bender: We're whaling on the original were-car, which is you, you jerk.   
   Old robot: Ye think me be he? 
   Bender: Si.   
   Old robot: Nee. I mean, no.
_____
"Hey, you know what'd cheer you up? You should get yourself a puppy." -Amy 
"A puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies...." -Leela
_____
Gypsy robot: You want to die? 
   Bender: No, I wanna live! There's still too many things I don't own.
_____
Bender: Life is hilariously cruel.
_____
"I refuse to fight! I'm a concientious objector." -Bender 
"A what?" -Fry 
"You know, a coward." -Bender
_____
"I'm gonna go build my own theme park... with blackjack and hookers! In
fact, forget the park!" -Bender
_____
"I don't get it. Who was this Ted Danson, and why would you pay $10,000 for
his skeleton?" -Leela
_____
Bubblegum: Bender, you can talk trash, you can handle the ball, 
 but look in your heart and ask yourself: are you funky
 enough to be a Globe Trotter? Are you?
 Bender: Yes.
 Bubblegum: Are you? 
 Bender: I mean, with time, my funk level could... 
 Bubblegum: Are you?!
 Bender: No. 
 Bubblegum: Deal with it.
_____
"If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo."
-Professor
_____
Bender: "One of you will have to fill in for me while I'm gone." 
Professor Farnsworth: "Better yet, I'll build someone to fill in for you.
Some kind of gamma-powered mechanical monsters with 
freeway on-ramps for arms and a heart as black as coal..."
_____
Applied Cryogenics: It seems to work OK.
_____
"I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of
sleaze that those things bring." -Bender
_____
Fry: I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be 
   chopped up into a patty. 
 Judge Whitey: Ah, the sixty-seventh ammendment.
_____
Professor: Ouch! That's going to bleed when my heart beats.
_____
Fatbot: "I heard that in one single night you drank a whole keg, streaked across
campus, and crammed fifty-eight humans into a phone booth."
Bender: "Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were children...."
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "A successor to the professor?"
_____
Leela: You guys distract the were-car, and I'll kill it by plugging its 
   exhaust pipe with this silver potato.
_____
"This is an outrage! I demand to know what happened to the plucky lawyer and
her compellingly short garments." -alien
_____
Bender: I ain't your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much. 
   You even love anybody pretending to be him!
 Angleyne: Well, maybe I love you so much I love you no matter 
   who you're pretending to be.
 Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that.
_____
Fry: "Well, thanks to the internet I'm now bored with sex. Is ther a place
on the web that panders to my lust for violence?" 
Bender: "Is the space-pope reptilian?"
_____
Leela: I love his boyish charm, but I hate his childishness.
_____
Amy: "Bender, your beer belly's so big your door won't even close. And that
 doesn't even make sense."
_____
Officers' club: We don't know but we've been told, our beer on tap is 
 mighty cold.
_____
"Hey! Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property!"
"You can't *own* property, man!"
"I can! That's because I'm not a penniless hippie!" 
 --Farnsworth & hippie
_____
Zapp: She's built like a steak house but she handles like a bistro.
_____
"And so, on behalf of the entire city, I thank you Professor Farnsworth. I
now present you with the Academy Prize, which we 
 confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a
jackass." -Mayor
_____
"I betcha Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye." -Fry 
 "That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes
and poke one out." -Bender 
 "Yeah, that'd be a timesaver." -Fry
_____
Bender: I ain't your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much. 
   You even love anybody pretending to be him!
 Angleyne: Well, maybe I love you so much I love you no matter 
   who you're pretending to be.
 Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that.
_____
"Eureka!" -Professor 
 "Did you build the Smell-o-scope?" -Fry 
 "No. I remembered that I built one last year." -Professor
_____
Hermes: Baby needs a new pair of shoes! 
 Zoidberg: To hell with your spoiled baby, I need those shoes.
_____
"This is a great, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus. Heh heh."
-Fry 
 "I don't get it." -Leela 
 "I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid
joke once and for all." -Professor 
 "Oh. What's it called now?" -Fry 
 "Urectum." -Professor
_____
"If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo."
-Professor
_____
"This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in... if he were a
fiddler crab." -Fry
_____
Bender: I ain't your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much. 
   You even love anybody pretending to be him!
 Angleyne: Well, maybe I love you so much I love you no matter 
   who you're pretending to be.
 Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that.
_____
Worm Mayor: One day you'll be eating a fast-food burger and BOOM, 
 you'll be crawling with us again. Ever wonder what makes 
 special sauce so special? Yo.
_____
"I'm gonna be a famous hero just like Neil Armstrong and those other brave
guys no one ever heard of." -Fry
_____
Fry: Lucy Liu-bot, if I don't survive the corn, I want you to know that I 
 love you as much as a man can love a computerized image of a gorgeous 
 celebrity, which it turns out is a lot.
_____
Bender: I don't know why, but when I look down at their little faces 
 it makes me want to puke... in a good way.
_____
La Brea Tar Pits
 As seen on the tar channel
_____
Amy: "What about Umbrielle?" 
Fry: "Well, it turned out I loved her, but I wasn't in love with her." 
Amy: "Trouble in bed."
_____
Professor: Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good 
 captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender 
 is perfect for the job.
 Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.
_____
Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter
_____
Bender: "Is he dumb or just ugly?"
_____
Bender: This is the Brooklyn-bound B train making local stops at wherever 
 the hell I feel like, watch for the closing doors.
_____
"Well, I give up. What's the catch?" -Fry 
 "Oh, no catch. Although we are, technically, in New Jersey." -Real estate
agent
_____
"What am I gonna do?" -Fry 
 "We've got to get the emperor out of your body before they kill you." -Amy 
 "Relax, Fry, I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge separating
out the denser fluid of his highness." 
 "Won't that crush my bones?" -Fry 
 "Oh, right, right, with the bones. I always forget about the bones."
_____
(talking to the Beastie Boys) 
Fry: Wow. I love you guys. Back in the 20th century, I had all five of
 your albums.
Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven. 
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones. And a couple of blank tapes?
_____
Earth Army Recruiting Center: What are you, chicken? Buk buk buk!
_____
Professor: Anywho, your net suits will let you experience Fry's 
 worm-infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them. 
 Zoidberg: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like.
_____
"So.. humans have easily injured knees. My race will find this
information very useful indeed. Mwahwahahahaha!"
 --Morbo
_____
Earth men are real men!
_____
Fry: Mmm, the gristle in a blanket isn't half bad.
 Bender: And try one of these popsicle sticks. They've 
   absorbed quite a bit of flavor.
_____
"Lightspeed briefs: style and comfort for the discriminating crotch."
-announcer
_____
"Finally, I have a good claw! See? Three human females, a number, and
a king giving himself brain surgery!"
 --Zoidberg, on the ideal poker hand
_____
"C'mon guys. Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999...again." -Fry 
 "I'm gonna drink 'till I reboot." -Bender
_____
Tonight's special, blackened blackened leftovers
_____
Leela: "Where were you at 10pm last night?" 
Professor Farnsworth: "Where am I now?"
_____
"From this day forth, Robot House is on dodecatuple secret probation." -Dean
Vernon
_____
Bubblegum: Good lord, that sucker's shakin' around like 
   some fine imported booty.
_____
Professor: Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat 
 their heart to gain their courage. Their rich tasty courage.
_____
HAL Institute for Criminally Insane Robots
_____
"But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault
line between this mass of coffee grounds and this 
 deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor 
 "In theory, it could work." -General 
 "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a
mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom 
 "Aw, jeez." -Bender
_____
Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you 
   take it all and I say enough!
_____
Fry: Leela, there's nothing wrong with anything.
_____
Worm Mayor: One day you'll be eating a fast-food burger and BOOM, 
 you'll be crawling with us again. Ever wonder what makes 
 special sauce so special? Yo.
_____
Leela: Oh, Adelai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared 
 at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me 
 feel so not weird.
_____
Human female: "All in all. This is one day that mitten the kitten will not 
 soon forget."
Morbo: "Kittens give Morbo gas. In later news the city of New New 
 York is doomed. Blame rests with known human professor Hubert 
 Farnsworth and his tiny inferior brain."
_____
Leela: You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever.
_____
"I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific fraud like global warming
or second-hand smoke." -Mayor
_____
Tonight's special, blackened leftovers
_____
Fry: "Very impressive. Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a
university on Mars."
Prof. Farnsworth: "Well in those days Mars was just a dreary uninhabitable 
wasteland... much like Utah. But unlike Utah, it was eventually made livable,
when the university was founded in 2636."
Leela: "They planted traditional college foliage: ivy, trees, hemp...."
_____
"Good news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the
virus planet." -Professor 
 "Why can't they go today?" 
 "Because tonight's a special night, and I want all of you to be alive."
-Professor
_____
Human female: "Next, New New York in crisis. Morbo?" 
Morbo: "Thanks, human female. Puny Earthlings were shocked today 
 to learn that a ball of garbage will destroy their pathetic
 city of New New York."
Human female: "Makes me glad that we live here in Los Angeles."
Morbo: "Morbo agrees."
_____
Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
_____
Professor: Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat 
 their heart to gain their courage. Their rich tasty courage.
_____
Professor: "Good news. There's a report on TV with some very bad news."
_____
Bubblegum: Bender, you can talk trash, you can handle the ball, 
 but look in your heart and ask yourself: are you funky
 enough to be a Globe Trotter? Are you?
 Bender: Yes.
 Bubblegum: Are you? 
 Bender: I mean, with time, my funk level could... 
 Bubblegum: Are you?!
 Bender: No. 
 Bubblegum: Deal with it.
_____
Leela: That aerosal head spray makes your antenna smell nice... 
 Bender: Thank you.
 Leela: ...but it's doing long-term damage to the planet.
 Bender: So? It's not like it's the only one we've got.
_____
Hermes to Bender: "What did you get her, you mushy gizmo?"
_____
"And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place
where I too hope one day to go: the toilet." 
	-Prof. Farnsworth
_____
Earth men are real men!
_____
Professor: I've been a Harold Zoid fan since back when my 
   hips were made of bone.
_____
"C'mon guys. Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999...again." -Fry 
 "I'm gonna drink 'till I reboot." -Bender
_____
Fry: What are we going to do? 
 Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery. 
 Amy: No, let's buy internet stock.
 Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
 Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible.
 Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
 Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party!
 Everyone: Yeah!
_____
"Face it, Fry, baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie. That's why they
jazzed it up." -Leela 
 "Boring? Baseball wasn't...hmmm, so they finally jazzed it up." -Fry
_____
"Oh my god, you knocked Fox off the air!" -TV worker guy 
"Like anyone on earth cares." -Fry
_____
Bender: Stay away from our women. You got metal fever, baby, metal fever!
_____
Bender: Old New York, the city that inspired a casino in Las Vegas.
_____
Bender: He's a witch!
_____
Professor: "The thought of caressing that leathery hide makes the tapioca
rise in my gullet" 
Fry: "Professor, please, the fate of the world depends on you getting to
second base with Mom." 
Professor: "Very well, if cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall."
_____
Bender: Yeah, well I'm gonna build my own lunar space lander! 
 With blackjack aaaaannd Hookers! Actually, forget the space 
 lander, and the blackjack. Ahhhh forget the whole thing!
_____
Professor: Perhaps it's your outlook that need a good bend, a ninety 
 degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
_____
Leela: "Great. We're two days from earth with no food." 
Bender: "Problem solved. You two fight to the death and I'll cook the
loser."
_____
"Take it off or else I break it off." -Leela, with Fry's arm around her
_____
Morbo: "Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human 
 number one, puny human number two and Morbo's good friend 
 Richard Nixon." 
Nixon: "Hello Morbo. How's the family?" 
Morbo: "Belligerent and numerous." 
Nixon: "Good man, Nixon's pro-war and pro-family."
_____
Computer: "Leela, you've got mail. It's not spam!"
_____
Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter
_____
Professor: Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave.
_____
Professor: While you were gone the Trotters held a news conference 
   to announce that I was a jive sucker.
_____
Mom's son: "Hell hath no fury like the vast robot armies of a woman
scorned."
_____
Bender: "Blackmail's such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it
sound cool."
_____
Amy: Aw, he looks like a little insane drunken angel.
_____
Bender: Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard. I'll kill you! 
   Fry: I'll kill you too, buddy, I'll kill you too.
_____
Hermes: "Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams
things."
_____
Futurama is brought to you by Thompson's Teeth, the 
only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth.
_____
"And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place
where I too hope one day to go: the toilet." 
	-Prof. Farnsworth
_____
Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot?
 Professor: No. Why would I know that?
_____
Professor: Oh, dear. She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot. 
   Well, that's love for you.
_____
If food is not reasonably clean, return uneaten portion for partial refund
_____
"Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated
type." -Leela
_____
"Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated
type." -Leela
_____
Bender: OK, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals.
_____
"Bender, we didn't mind your drinking or your cleptomania or your
pornography ring." -Leela 
 "In fact, that's why we love you." -Zoidberg
_____
"Hey, I'm startin' to get the hang of this game. The blerns are loaded. The
count's three blerns and two anti-blerns, and the 
 infield blern rule is in effect. Right?" -Fry 
 "Other than the word blern, that was complete gibberish." -Leela
_____
"And Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt as well. Were it not for your
twentieth century garbage-making skills, we'd all be 
 buried under twentieth century garbage." -Mayor
_____
Zoidberg: This letter has to be very personal, so I'm 
 	writing it in my own ink.
_____
Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and 
 possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
_____
Professor Nerdstrom: Sit. I said sit! Bad fish!
_____
"I heard one time you single-handedly defeated a hoard of rampaging of
somethings in the something something system." -Fry
_____
"I'm gonna be a famous hero just like Neil Armstrong and those other brave
guys no one ever heard of." -Fry
_____
Michelle: I can't find a vanishing cream that doesn't make me actually vanish.
_____
Zoidberg: Muy macho. Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin 
   your drinking water!
_____
Bender: Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard. I'll kill you! 
   Fry: I'll kill you too, buddy, I'll kill you too.
_____
Leela: Well, goodnight. I'm gonna go make my dinners for the next month 
   and freeze them.
_____
Leela: "Well, it's a type M planet, so it should at least have
Roddenberries."
_____
Bender: "Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending."
_____
"He's an animal. He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus on one of those
tiny tricycles. Now that's entertainment." -Fry
_____
Computer: "Leela, you've got mail. It's not spam!"
_____
Earth men are real men!
_____
Zapp: Now that's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes.
_____
Alcazar: "I hope you don't think less of me becuase I live in a giant
castle."
_____
"Leela, perhaps this is an awkward time, but if things don't work out with
this pipsqueak here, I just want you to know I'll be there to score you on
the rebound." -Zapp
_____
Bender: He's a witch!
_____
"And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place
where I too hope one day to go: the toilet." 
	-Prof. Farnsworth
_____
Bender: He's gay. 
Leela: How do you know? 
Bender: I have this thing called gaydar.
_____
Fry: "They're great! They're like sex except I'm having them."
_____
"Eureka!" -Professor 
 "Did you build the Smell-o-scope?" -Fry 
 "No. I remembered that I built one last year." -Professor
_____
Amy: Aw, he looks like a little insane drunken angel.
_____
"Ahhh! We're gonna die! Right?" -Fry 
 "Right." -Bender 
 "Ahhh!" -Fry
_____
Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and 
 possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
_____
"Bender, we didn't mind your drinking or your cleptomania or your
pornography ring." -Leela 
 "In fact, that's why we love you." -Zoidberg
_____
Professor: Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat 
 their heart to gain their courage. Their rich tasty courage.
_____
Paul: Good way to avoid frostbite, folks, put your hands between 
 your buttocks. That's nature's pocket.
_____
Fry: I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having disks crammed 
 into me... unless they're Oreos, and then only in the mouth.
_____
Leela: Now strip naked and get on the probulator.
_____
Human female: "The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to 
 it's highest level in centuries, six percent." 
Morbo: "Exit poll show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing with 
 estimated zero votes." 
Human female: "The time is 7:59 and the robot polls are now opening. And 
 robot votes are now in. Nixon has won." 
Morbo: "Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death 
 come quickly to his enemies."
_____
Leela: You guys distract the were-car, and I'll kill it by plugging its 
   exhaust pipe with this silver potato.
_____
Star Tours
 Note: bus does not leave earth
_____
Janitor: Oh, marmalade!
_____
"Eureka!" -Professor 
 "Did you build the Smell-o-scope?" -Fry 
 "No. I remembered that I built one last year." -Professor
_____
Bob Barker: "Which one of these lovely womanoids will take home atomic tiara?"
_____
Fry: Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.
_____
"Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh." -Fry 
"Well, it's a Fox affiliate." -TV worker guy 
"What are you showing right now?" -Fry 
"'Single Female Lawyer.' It's the season finale. Wanna watch?" -TV worker
guy 
"I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World's
Blankiest Blank." -Fry 
"She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt." -TV worker guy 
"I'm in." -Fry
_____
Human female: "The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to 
 it's highest level in centuries, six percent." 
Morbo: "Exit poll show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing with 
 estimated zero votes." 
Human female: "The time is 7:59 and the robot polls are now opening. And 
 robot votes are now in. Nixon has won." 
Morbo: "Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death 
 come quickly to his enemies."
_____
Leela: I'm sorry, but if it's fun in any way it's not environmentalism. 
 Paul: Oh, really? How about blowing up dams?
_____
Handcrafters: New hands in about an hour
 Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break them in tonight.
_____
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are 
 you jacking on in there?
_____
Fry: Leela, Bender, we're going grave-robbing.
 Bender: I'll get my kit!
_____
Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter
_____
Zoidberg: This letter has to be very personal, so I'm 
 	writing it in my own ink.
_____
Professor: Oh, dear. She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot. 
   Well, that's love for you.
_____
Bender: "I came here with a simple dream, a dream of killing all humans."
_____
"Ahhh! We're gonna die! Right?" -Fry 
 "Right." -Bender 
 "Ahhh!" -Fry
_____
Human female: "The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to 
 it's highest level in centuries, six percent." 
Morbo: "Exit poll show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing with 
 estimated zero votes." 
Human female: "The time is 7:59 and the robot polls are now opening. And 
 robot votes are now in. Nixon has won." 
Morbo: "Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death 
 come quickly to his enemies."
_____
Fry: You gotta help me, Bender. How can I prove I'm human?
 Bender: You could drop dead. That'd show 'em. 
 Fry: I don't wanna.
_____
Zapp: The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongey and bruised.
_____
Fry: I've only got two fantasies left: to be invisible in a 
chocolate factory, and to be romantically linked to a  celebrity.
 Bender: I could pound your head 'til you think that's what happened.
 Fry: Okay.
_____
Hermes: Baby needs a new pair of shoes! 
 Zoidberg: To hell with your spoiled baby, I need those shoes.
_____
Al Gore to Fry: "You fool! You foolish fool!"
_____
"This is Vergon 6." -Professor 
 "Bah." -Amy 
 It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little
doomed animals." -Professor
_____
Zapp: There's only one surefire way back into a woman's heart and 
  parts beyond. I speak, of course, of Karaoke.
_____
"I'm never gonna get used to the thirty-first century. Caffeinated bacon?
Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?" -Fry 
 "Well if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula." -Leela
_____
Leela: "Where were you at 10pm last night?" 
Professor Farnsworth: "Where am I now?"
_____
Leela: I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again you screwed 
 up. Now all the planets are gonna start crackin' wise about our mommas. 
 Hermes: I'm just glad my fat ugly momma isn't alive to see this day.
_____
Cubert: "Robots are very good at keeping secrets." 
Bender: "No, we're not, you little bed-wetter. Oops, I'm sorry."
_____
Bender: "One of you will have to fill in for me while I'm gone." 
Professor Farnsworth: "Better yet, I'll build someone to fill in for you.
Some kind of gamma-powered mechanical monsters with 
freeway on-ramps for arms and a heart as black as coal..."
_____
"Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated
type." -Leela
_____
"If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo."
-Professor
_____
"Good lord. What is this?" -Fry 
 "It's the decaying ruins of old New York. Welcome home, pal!" -Bender
_____
"It was nice of you to let me reattach your arm."
 --Zoidber
_____
Zapp: You win again, gravity!
_____
Marv Albert: He's really showing us what a man with a cannon 
   in his chest can do.
_____
"Listen, Bender, where's your bathroom?" -Fry 
 "Bath what?" -Bender 
 "Bathroom." -Fry 
 "What room?" -Bender 
 "Bathroom!" -Fry 
 "What what?" Bender 
 "Ah, nevermind." -Fry
_____
Morbo: "Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human 
 number one, puny human number two and Morbo's good friend 
 Richard Nixon." 
Nixon: "Hello Morbo. How's the family?" 
Morbo: "Belligerent and numerous." 
Nixon: "Good man, Nixon's pro-war and pro-family."
_____
Zoidberg: So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out 
   of patients' bodies....
_____
Bender: OK, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals.
_____
Bender: "I came here with a simple dream, a dream of killing all humans."
_____
Fry: I want to see the edge of the universe.
 Amy: Ooh, that sounds cool. 
 Zoidberg: It's funny. You live in the universe by you 
  never do these things 'til someone comes to visit.
_____
Fry: "Well, thanks to the internet I'm now bored with sex. Is ther a place
on the web that panders to my lust for violence?" 
Bender: "Is the space-pope reptilian?"
_____
Professor: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp 
    and their tweet tweet splat.
_____
Fry: I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me? 
 Leela: Oh, lots of reasons.
_____
Professor: Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good 
 captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender 
 is perfect for the job.
 Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.
_____
Tonight's special, blackened blackened leftovers
_____
Cubert: "Why do I have to be the hump?" 
Fry: "'Cause you're too ugly to be a wart."
_____
Fry: I've only got two fantasies left: to be invisible in a 
chocolate factory, and to be romantically linked to a  celebrity.
 Bender: I could pound your head 'til you think that's what happened.
 Fry: Okay.
_____
Fry: What are we going to do? 
 Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery. 
 Amy: No, let's buy internet stock.
 Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
 Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible.
 Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
 Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party!
 Everyone: Yeah!
_____
Paul: It seems dark-matter is nature's sex drug. It's like a perverted 
 trail mix of penguin estrogen, penguine Viagra and Spanish penguin fly.
_____
Leela: "Well, it's a type M planet, so it should at least have
Roddenberries."
_____
Fry: I want to see the edge of the universe.
 Amy: Ooh, that sounds cool. 
 Zoidberg: It's funny. You live in the universe by you 
  never do these things 'til someone comes to visit.
_____
Hermes: Baby needs a new pair of shoes! 
 Zoidberg: To hell with your spoiled baby, I need those shoes.
_____
Hermes: "The poor demented honky."
_____
Earth Army Recruiting Center: What are you, chicken? Buk buk buk!
_____
Champion Pet Show Today 
 Kids: See Toucan Sam's death mask
_____
Mom's son: "Hell hath no fury like the vast robot armies of a woman
scorned."
_____
Edna: "Excuse me, I've got to powder my mouth flaps."
_____
Professor: Dirt doesn't need luck.
_____
Professor: "Good news, everyone, the university is bringing me up on
disclipinary charges. Wait, that's not good news at all."
_____
Fan: "Aha ha, fan beats man."
_____
Bender: Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard. I'll kill you! 
   Fry: I'll kill you too, buddy, I'll kill you too.
_____
Human female: "The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to 
 it's highest level in centuries, six percent." 
Morbo: "Exit poll show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing with 
 estimated zero votes." 
Human female: "The time is 7:59 and the robot polls are now opening. And 
 robot votes are now in. Nixon has won." 
Morbo: "Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death 
 come quickly to his enemies."
_____
Fry: "They're great! They're like sex except I'm having them."
_____
Leela: "There it is, the near-death star."
_____
"It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows: at the end of
the episode, everything's always right back to normal." -Fry
_____
Bubblegum: Good lord, that sucker's shakin' around like 
   some fine imported booty.
_____
Zoidberg: So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out 
   of patients' bodies....
_____
Awards ceremony in progress 
 No pooping
_____
"Face it, Fry, baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie. That's why they
jazzed it up." -Leela 
 "Boring? Baseball wasn't...hmmm, so they finally jazzed it up." -Fry
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Look at me! I'm Dr. Zoidberg, home-owner!"
_____
Famous Original Ray's Superior Court
_____
"He's an animal. He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus on one of those
tiny tricycles. Now that's entertainment." -Fry
_____
(talking to the Beastie Boys) 
Fry: Wow. I love you guys. Back in the 20th century, I had all five of
 your albums.
Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven. 
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones. And a couple of blank tapes?
_____
"I refuse to fight! I'm a concientious objector." -Bender 
"A what?" -Fry 
"You know, a coward." -Bender
_____
Fry: I've only got two fantasies left: to be invisible in a 
chocolate factory, and to be romantically linked to a  celebrity.
 Bender: I could pound your head 'til you think that's what happened.
 Fry: Okay.
_____
Leela: Now strip naked and get on the probulator.
_____
Tonight's special, blackened leftovers
_____
"Look at that five o'clock rust. You've been up all night not drinking,
haven't you?" -Leela
_____
Bender: "Aw, I think I got whiplash." 
Leela: "You can't have whiplash, you don't have a neck." 
Bender: "I meant ass whiplash."
_____
Cubert: "Why do I have to be the hump?" 
Fry: "'Cause you're too ugly to be a wart."
_____
Professor: Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave.
_____
Professor: Perhaps it's your outlook that need a good bend, a ninety 
 degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
_____
Fry: Ooh, Big Pink. It's the only gum with the breath freshening power of ham.
 Bender: And it pinkens your teeth while you chew.
_____
"Take it off or else I break it off." -Leela, with Fry's arm around her
_____
"C'mon, it's just like making love. Y'know, left, down, rotate sixty-two
degrees, engage rotors...." -Bender
_____
Fry: I want to see the edge of the universe.
 Amy: Ooh, that sounds cool. 
 Zoidberg: It's funny. You live in the universe by you 
  never do these things 'til someone comes to visit.
_____
Leela: Bender's flying too low! And he's upside-down! 
 Protestor: He must be talking on a cell-phone.
_____
Bender: "Hey, guess what you're accessories to?"
_____
"Maybe you can't understand this, but I finally found what I need to be
happy, and it's not friends, it's things." -Fry
_____
Leela: "Where were you at 10pm last night?" 
Professor Farnsworth: "Where am I now?"
_____
"Ahhh! We're gonna die! Right?" -Fry 
 "Right." -Bender 
 "Ahhh!" -Fry
_____
Fry: "Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. Yes?" 
Zoidberg: "Is the desire to mate a feeling?"
_____
Bender: I finally meet a nice girl with a pair of legs 
   that don't quite unexpectedly...
_____
Bender: Stay away from our women. You got metal fever, baby, metal fever!
_____
Bender: "Tell the Donbot I'm quitting organized crime. From now on I'll stick
to the regular kind."
_____
"Trespassers, eh?" -farmer 
 "No, sir. We're amusement park patrons." -Fry 
 "Oooh, that's a wicked sinful place. Tilt-a-whirl's okay, but the rest is
mighty wicked." -farmer
_____
Hermes: "The poor demented honky."
_____
Professor: Anywho, your net suits will let you experience Fry's 
 worm-infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them. 
 Zoidberg: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like.
_____
Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
_____
Professor: "Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log onto AOL, and
it just went through. Whee! We're online."
_____
"I never told anybody this, but a thousand years ago I used to look up at
the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just 
 didn't have the grades, or the physical endurance, plus I threw up a lot,
and nobody liked spending a week with me." -Fry
_____
Professor: While you were gone the Trotters held a news conference 
   to announce that I was a jive sucker.
_____
Bender: "You know the secret of traditional robot cooking? Start with a good
high-quality oil, then eat it."
_____
Alcazar: "I hope you don't think less of me becuase I live in a giant
castle."
_____
Bender: Stay away from our women. You got metal fever, baby, metal fever!
_____
Zoidberg: Muy macho. Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin 
   your drinking water!
_____
Professor: Dirt doesn't need luck.
_____
"Hurry up! I wanna see the moon." -Fry 
 "Relax. It's open 'till nine." -Leela
_____
Bender: I need a calculator.
 Fry: You are a calculator.
 Bender: I need a good calculator.
_____
Human female: "And so with two weeks left in the campaign, the question 
 on everyone's mind is, who will be the president of Earth? 
 Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson. 
 Two terrific candidates, Morbo?" 
Morbo: "All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo." 
Human female: "In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan 
 today, where titanium mine collapsed, trapping one thousand 
 robot workers. Unless something is done quickly the trapped 
 robots will be dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue 
 operations are planned?" 
Mine spokesman: "The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with 
 our lives." 
Morbo: "The news of mine's closing sent titanium prices sky 
 rocketing."
_____
Fry: Where's Captain Bender? Off catastrophizing some other planet?
_____
Bender: "Oh my God, I'm so excited I wish I could wet my pants."
_____
Alcazar: "I hope you don't think less of me becuase I live in a giant
castle."
_____
"Leela, perhaps this is an awkward time, but if things don't work out with
this pipsqueak here, I just want you to know I'll be there to score you on
the rebound." -Zapp
_____
"Why would a robot need to drink?" -Fry 
 "I don't need to drink, I can quit anytime I want." -Bender
_____
Famous Original Ray's Superior Court
_____
Fry: Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Ow, my head! Ow, my feet!
 Professor: Keep your chin up. 
 Fry: Ow, my chin!
_____
Bender: This is the Brooklyn-bound B train making local stops at wherever 
 the hell I feel like, watch for the closing doors.
_____
Bender: Stay away from our women. You got metal fever, baby, metal fever!
_____
Leela: Now strip naked and get on the probulator.
_____
"I'm never gonna get used to the thirty-first century. Caffeinated bacon?
Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?" -Fry 
 "Well if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula." -Leela
_____
"I'm gonna go build my own theme park... with blackjack and hookers! In
fact, forget the park!" -Bender
_____
"Who was that guy?" -Fry 
 "Your momma! Now shut up and drag me to work." -Bender
_____
"C'mon, it's just like making love. Y'know, left, down, rotate sixty-two
degrees, engage rotors...." -Bender
_____
"This is turning into one very sexy struggle for the human race."
 -Zapp Brannigan
_____
Leela: "There it is, the near-death star."
_____
Applied Cryogenics: It seems to work OK.
_____
Officers' club: We don't know but we've been told, our beer on tap is 
 mighty cold.
_____
Fry: What are we going to do? 
 Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery. 
 Amy: No, let's buy internet stock.
 Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
 Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible.
 Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
 Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party!
 Everyone: Yeah!
_____
"What am I gonna do?" -Fry 
 "We've got to get the emperor out of your body before they kill you." -Amy 
 "Relax, Fry, I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge separating
out the denser fluid of his highness." 
 "Won't that crush my bones?" -Fry 
 "Oh, right, right, with the bones. I always forget about the bones."
_____
Zapp: She's built like a steak house but she handles like a bistro.
_____
(talking to the Beastie Boys) 
Fry: Wow. I love you guys. Back in the 20th century, I had all five of
 your albums.
Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven. 
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones. And a couple of blank tapes?
_____
Brannigan: You'll be negotiating with the aliens' mysterious leaders, the 
 Brain Balls. They've got a lot of brains, and they've got a lot of chutzpah.
_____
Fry: What's with the eye?
_____
Bender: I get a good vibe from this place. Nice long dinner table, 
   quiet well-behaved spiders, graveyards adjacent....
_____
"If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo."
-Professor
_____
Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and 
 possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
_____
Champion Pet Show Today 
 Kids: See Toucan Sam's death mask
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Talk to the claw."
Bender: "Bite my collosal metal ass."
_____
La Brea Tar Pits
 As seen on the tar channel
_____
"Look at that five o'clock rust. You've been up all night not drinking,
haven't you?" -Leela
_____
Michelle: You expect me to live in a tiny little hole?
 Fry: It'd be deeper, but I'm standing on a gopher.
_____
Professor Farnsworth: "He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for
ocean rudeness."
_____
"I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of
sleaze that those things bring." -Bender
_____
Leela: "Where were you at 10pm last night?" 
Professor Farnsworth: "Where am I now?"
_____
"I learned how to handle delicate social situations from a little show
called 'Three's Company.'" -Fry
_____
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
_____
Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange
   wax in my ears.
_____
Fry: Nowadays people aren't interested in art that's not tattooed on fat guys.
_____
Professor: "If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, you can bet I won't be
out of loop."
_____
Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter
_____
Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's 
 court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.
_____
Officers' club: We don't know but we've been told, our beer on tap is 
 mighty cold.
_____
Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange
   wax in my ears.
_____
Bender: Hey! What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one
 hooker.
_____
Fry: Nowadays people aren't interested in art that's not tattooed on fat guys.
_____
"C'mon, it's just like making love. Y'know, left, down, rotate sixty-two
degrees, engage rotors...." -Bender
_____
"But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault
line between this mass of coffee grounds and this 
 deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor 
 "In theory, it could work." -General 
 "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a
mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom 
 "Aw, jeez." -Bender
_____
Zoidberg: This letter has to be very personal, so I'm 
 	writing it in my own ink.
_____
Bender: He's gay. 
Leela: How do you know? 
Bender: I have this thing called gaydar.
_____
Futurama is brought to you by Thompson's Teeth, the 
only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth.
_____
"Ahhh! We're gonna die! Right?" -Fry 
 "Right." -Bender 
 "Ahhh!" -Fry
_____
"Maybe you can't understand this, but I finally found what I need to be
happy, and it's not friends, it's things." -Fry
_____
Calculon: I was all of history's great acting robots: Acting Unit 0.8, 
   Thespo-mat, David Duchovny!
_____
"I'm gonna be a famous hero just like Neil Armstrong and those other brave
guys no one ever heard of." -Fry
_____
Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?
_____
"Good lord. What is this?" -Fry 
 "It's the decaying ruins of old New York. Welcome home, pal!" -Bender
_____
Leela: "Well, it's a type M planet, so it should at least have
Roddenberries."
_____
Earth men are real men!
_____
Professor Farnsworth: "He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for
ocean rudeness."
_____
Michelle: You should be chief.
 Fry: What do I need, ulcers?
_____
Professor: I knew I should have shown him "Electro-Gonnorhea, the Noisy Killer."
_____
"Take it off or else I break it off." -Leela, with Fry's arm around her
_____
Calculon: I'm programmed to be very busy.
_____
Farnsworth: Oh no! I should do something....but i am already in my pajamas.
_____
"Hey, you know what'd cheer you up? You should get yourself a puppy." -Amy 
"A puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies...." -Leela
_____
Zapp: "Why'd you open your bong-hole, you smelly hippie? You'd sacrifice a
beautiful woman to save a moderately attractive 
monkey? You must have smoked some bad granola."
_____
Bubblegum: Bender, you can talk trash, you can handle the ball, 
 but look in your heart and ask yourself: are you funky
 enough to be a Globe Trotter? Are you?
 Bender: Yes.
 Bubblegum: Are you? 
 Bender: I mean, with time, my funk level could... 
 Bubblegum: Are you?!
 Bender: No. 
 Bubblegum: Deal with it.
_____
Fry: Nowadays people aren't interested in art that's not tattooed on fat guys.
_____
Professor: Oh, dear. She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot. 
   Well, that's love for you.
_____
Fry: Leela, Bender, we're going grave-robbing.
 Bender: I'll get my kit!
_____
Leela: Oh, Adelai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared 
 at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me 
 feel so not weird.
_____
Bender: "Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending."
_____
Bender: "You know the secret of traditional robot cooking? Start with a good
high-quality oil, then eat it."
_____
Fry: Whoah. Check out that guy. He makes Speedy Gonzales look like 
 Regular Gonzalez.
_____
"I betcha Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye." -Fry 
 "That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes
and poke one out." -Bender 
 "Yeah, that'd be a timesaver." -Fry
_____
Zoidberg: Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough to be thrown back!
_____
Bender: He's gay. 
Leela: How do you know? 
Bender: I have this thing called gaydar.
_____
Bender: "Aw, I think I got whiplash." 
Leela: "You can't have whiplash, you don't have a neck." 
Bender: "I meant ass whiplash."
_____
"Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated
type." -Leela
_____
Fry: Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Ow, my head! Ow, my feet!
 Professor: Keep your chin up. 
 Fry: Ow, my chin!
_____
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
_____
Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his 
   humanity the way only a woman can. 
 Professor: You're going to do his laundry?
_____
"Who was that guy?" -Fry 
 "Your momma! Now shut up and drag me to work." -Bender
_____
Farnsworth: Oh no! I should do something....but i am already in my pajamas.
_____
Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?
_____
Calculon: I'm programmed to be very busy.
_____
"And so, on behalf of the entire city, I thank you Professor Farnsworth. I
now present you with the Academy Prize, which we 
 confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a
jackass." -Mayor
_____
Fry: Where's Captain Bender? Off catastrophizing some other planet?
_____
Leela: I love his boyish charm, but I hate his childishness.
_____
Leela: Well, goodnight. I'm gonna go make my dinners for the next month 
   and freeze them.
_____
Professor: Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good 
 captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender 
 is perfect for the job.
 Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.
_____
Brannigan: You'll be negotiating with the aliens' mysterious leaders, the 
 Brain Balls. They've got a lot of brains, and they've got a lot of chutzpah.
_____
If food is not reasonably clean, return uneaten portion for partial refund
_____
Bender: "Is he dumb or just ugly?"
_____
Fry: I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be 
   chopped up into a patty. 
 Judge Whitey: Ah, the sixty-seventh ammendment.
_____
If food is not reasonably clean, return uneaten portion for partial refund
_____
Michelle: I can't find a vanishing cream that doesn't make me actually vanish.
_____
"So.. humans have easily injured knees. My race will find this
information very useful indeed. Mwahwahahahaha!"
 --Morbo
_____
Morbo: "Morbo demands an answer to the following question. If you saw 
 a delicious candy in the hands of a small child. Would you 
 seize and consume it?" 
John Jackson: "Unthinkable."
Jack Johnson: "I wouldn't think of it." 
Morbo: "What about you Mr. Nixon? I remind you. You are under of a 
 truth-o-scope."
Nixon: "Question is vague. You don't say what kind of candy and 
 whether anyone is watching. In anyway I certainly wouldn't
 harm the child."
_____
Professor: "Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth."
_____
Mom's son: "Hell hath no fury like the vast robot armies of a woman
scorned."
_____
Professor: Anywho, your net suits will let you experience Fry's 
 worm-infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them. 
 Zoidberg: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like.
_____
Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!
_____
"I learned how to handle delicate social situations from a little show
called 'Three's Company.'" -Fry
_____
Amy: Worms? Ew, pukatronic!
_____
Leela: I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again you screwed 
 up. Now all the planets are gonna start crackin' wise about our mommas. 
 Hermes: I'm just glad my fat ugly momma isn't alive to see this day.
_____
"If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo."
-Professor
_____
Fry: I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be 
   chopped up into a patty. 
 Judge Whitey: Ah, the sixty-seventh ammendment.
_____
Michelle: You expect me to live in a tiny little hole?
 Fry: It'd be deeper, but I'm standing on a gopher.
_____
"Finally, I have a good claw! See? Three human females, a number, and
a king giving himself brain surgery!"
 --Zoidberg, on the ideal poker hand
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "It funny because it's poisonous." 
Fry: "Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp."
_____
Calculon: An Oscar, you say? That would get me out of this festering 
   rats' nest called television once and for all.
_____
Leela: Your face can take a lot of punishment. That's good to know. 
 Fry: There's a lot about my face you don't know.
_____
"Hey, you know what'd cheer you up? You should get yourself a puppy." -Amy 
"A puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies...." -Leela
_____
Morbo: "Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human 
 number one, puny human number two and Morbo's good friend 
 Richard Nixon." 
Nixon: "Hello Morbo. How's the family?" 
Morbo: "Belligerent and numerous." 
Nixon: "Good man, Nixon's pro-war and pro-family."
_____
Paul: It seems dark-matter is nature's sex drug. It's like a perverted 
 trail mix of penguin estrogen, penguine Viagra and Spanish penguin fly.
_____
"All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo!"
 --Morbo
_____
Professor: I've been a Harold Zoid fan since back when my 
   hips were made of bone.
_____
Leela: I love his boyish charm, but I hate his childishness.
_____
Professor Farnsworth: "He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for
ocean rudeness."
_____
"I love every living creature." -Leela 
"Even me?" -Fry 
"As a friend." -Leela
_____
Fry: What's with the eye?
_____
Human female: "And so with two weeks left in the campaign, the question 
 on everyone's mind is, who will be the president of Earth? 
 Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson. 
 Two terrific candidates, Morbo?" 
Morbo: "All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo." 
Human female: "In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan 
 today, where titanium mine collapsed, trapping one thousand 
 robot workers. Unless something is done quickly the trapped 
 robots will be dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue 
 operations are planned?" 
Mine spokesman: "The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with 
 our lives." 
Morbo: "The news of mine's closing sent titanium prices sky 
 rocketing."
_____
Professor: Ouch! That's going to bleed when my heart beats.
_____
Were-Bender: Oh boy, I feel like a car in a candy store.
_____
Professor: "Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log onto AOL, and
it just went through. Whee! We're online."
_____
Alcazar: "Leela, this must all be very confusing." 
Leela: "A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it."
_____
"If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo."
-Professor
_____
Bender: Old New York, the city that inspired a casino in Las Vegas.
_____
Niblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in 
   order to wipe out all thought in the universe. 
 Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.
_____
"Are you all right?" -Leela 
"Ah, it's nothing a a law suit won't cure." -Bender
_____
Cubert: "Robots are very good at keeping secrets." 
Bender: "No, we're not, you little bed-wetter. Oops, I'm sorry."
_____
"This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in... if he were a
fiddler crab." -Fry
_____
Bender: Well I don't have anything else planned for today, let's get drunk!
_____
Bender: He's a witch!
_____
Bender: If it ain't black and white, peck, scratch and bite.
_____
Leela: "Are you real, or am I seeing single?" 
Alcazar: "Ow. Of course I'm real." 
Leela: "After all this time, somebody else with one eye who isn't a clumsy
carpenter or a kid with a BB gun."
_____
Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's 
 court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.
_____
Fry: I've only got two fantasies left: to be invisible in a 
chocolate factory, and to be romantically linked to a  celebrity.
 Bender: I could pound your head 'til you think that's what happened.
 Fry: Okay.
_____
Professor: Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good 
 captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender 
 is perfect for the job.
 Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.
_____
"Lightspeed briefs: style and comfort for the discriminating crotch."
-announcer
_____
Leela: Now strip naked and get on the probulator.
_____
Hermes: "Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams
things."
_____
Leela: Well, goodnight. I'm gonna go make my dinners for the next month 
   and freeze them.
_____
Bender: I need a calculator.
 Fry: You are a calculator.
 Bender: I need a good calculator.
_____
Professor: I knew I should have shown him "Electro-Gonnorhea, the Noisy Killer."
_____
"As a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman,
I'll be over Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure." -Zapp
_____
Leela: Hold Still, I don't have good depth perception!
_____
"Hey, sexy mama. Wanna kill all the humans?" -Bender
_____
"This is a great, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus. Heh heh."
-Fry 
 "I don't get it." -Leela 
 "I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid
joke once and for all." -Professor 
 "Oh. What's it called now?" -Fry 
 "Urectum." -Professor
_____
Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his 
   humanity the way only a woman can. 
 Professor: You're going to do his laundry?
_____
"I might have liked Zap Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw
me in prison." -Leela "You really are too picky." 
 -Bender
_____
Hermes: Baby needs a new pair of shoes! 
 Zoidberg: To hell with your spoiled baby, I need those shoes.
_____
"C'mon, it's just like making love. Y'know, left, down, rotate sixty-two
degrees, engage rotors...." -Bender
_____
Leela: Oh, Adelai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared 
 at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me 
 feel so not weird.
_____
Zapp: She's built like a steak house but she handles like a bistro.
_____
"I'm gonna be a science fiction hero, just like Uhura, or Captain Janeway,
or Xena!" -Fry 
"Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life. Can't you tell the difference?" -Leela 
"Sure, I just like TV better." -Fry
_____
Old robot: What are ye doing? 
   Bender: We're whaling on the original were-car, which is you, you jerk.   
   Old robot: Ye think me be he? 
   Bender: Si.   
   Old robot: Nee. I mean, no.
_____
"I don't care how many eyes a man has... as long as it's less than five."
-Leela
_____
Applied Cryogenics: It seems to work OK.
_____
"Wait a second, aren't you a member of the yacht club?" -Bender 
"My God, you're right. I'm a class 3 yacht." -Countess de la Roca
_____
Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?
_____
Fry: Ah, the Breakfast Club soundtrack. Man, I can't wait until I'm old 
   enough to feel ways about stuff.
_____
Fry: "Very impressive. Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a
university on Mars."
Prof. Farnsworth: "Well in those days Mars was just a dreary uninhabitable 
wasteland... much like Utah. But unlike Utah, it was eventually made livable,
when the university was founded in 2636."
Leela: "They planted traditional college foliage: ivy, trees, hemp...."
_____
"This is an outrage! I demand to know what happened to the plucky lawyer and
her compellingly short garments." -alien
_____
Fry: So, there's an infinite number of parallel universes?
 Professor: No, just the two.
 Fry: Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough.
_____
"And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place
where I too hope one day to go: the toilet." 
	-Prof. Farnsworth
_____
Leela: Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer and 
   reprogram it to let them go. 
 Bender: Maybe you can interface with my ass... by biting it.
_____
Niblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in 
   order to wipe out all thought in the universe. 
 Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.
_____
Professor: Perhaps it's your outlook that need a good bend, a ninety 
 degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
_____
"I refuse to fight! I'm a concientious objector." -Bender 
"A what?" -Fry 
"You know, a coward." -Bender
_____
Fry: How did I get Leela to love me? I've got to figure it out. 
 Hermes: Maybe you're just a fantastic lover, Fry. 
 Amy: No.
_____
One of Bender's kids: Our dad is a giant toy!
_____
Hermes: "I miss my wife and my oxygen." 
Professor Farnsworth: "Yes, we all miss our loved ones and gases."
_____
Bender: "Is he dumb or just ugly?"
_____
Handcrafters: New hands in about an hour
 Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break them in tonight.
_____
Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and 
 possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
_____
Bender: Well I don't have anything else planned for today, let's get drunk!
_____
Zapp: The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongey and bruised.
_____
"I'm gonna go build my own theme park... with blackjack and hookers! In
fact, forget the park!" -Bender
_____
"Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get
out and see the real world." -Leela 
"But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world." -Fry 
"Everyone's too polite to say anything, but you're covered with bed sores."
	-Leela 
"Not covered." -Fry
_____
"He's an animal. He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus on one of those
tiny tricycles. Now that's entertainment." -Fry
_____
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are 
 you jacking on in there?
_____
"I never told anybody this, but a thousand years ago I used to look up at
the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just 
 didn't have the grades, or the physical endurance, plus I threw up a lot,
and nobody liked spending a week with me." -Fry
_____
"Listen, Bender, where's your bathroom?" -Fry 
 "Bath what?" -Bender 
 "Bathroom." -Fry 
 "What room?" -Bender 
 "Bathroom!" -Fry 
 "What what?" Bender 
 "Ah, nevermind." -Fry
_____
Bender: A woman like that you gotta romance first!
_____
HAL Institute for Criminally Insane Robots
_____
Fry: I want to see the edge of the universe.
 Amy: Ooh, that sounds cool. 
 Zoidberg: It's funny. You live in the universe by you 
  never do these things 'til someone comes to visit.
_____
Fry: You gotta help me, Bender. How can I prove I'm human?
 Bender: You could drop dead. That'd show 'em. 
 Fry: I don't wanna.
_____
"Well, I give up. What's the catch?" -Fry 
 "Oh, no catch. Although we are, technically, in New Jersey." -Real estate
agent
_____
Leela: You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever.
_____
"Leela, perhaps this is an awkward time, but if things don't work out with
this pipsqueak here, I just want you to know I'll be there to score you on
the rebound." -Zapp
_____
Fatbot: "I heard that in one single night you drank a whole keg, streaked across
campus, and crammed fifty-eight humans into a phone booth."
Bender: "Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were children...."
_____
Hermes to Bender: "What did you get her, you mushy gizmo?"
_____
"Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh." -Fry 
"Well, it's a Fox affiliate." -TV worker guy 
"What are you showing right now?" -Fry 
"'Single Female Lawyer.' It's the season finale. Wanna watch?" -TV worker
guy 
"I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World's
Blankiest Blank." -Fry 
"She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt." -TV worker guy 
"I'm in." -Fry
_____
Bender: He's a witch!
_____
"This is a great, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus. Heh heh."
-Fry 
 "I don't get it." -Leela 
 "I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid
joke once and for all." -Professor 
 "Oh. What's it called now?" -Fry 
 "Urectum." -Professor
_____
Leela: "We've blown out one of our engines." 
Fry: "Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it... fix it, fix it, fix
it!"
_____
Zapp: "Why'd you open your bong-hole, you smelly hippie? You'd sacrifice a
beautiful woman to save a moderately attractive 
monkey? You must have smoked some bad granola."
_____
Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?
_____
"Hurry up! I wanna see the moon." -Fry 
 "Relax. It's open 'till nine." -Leela
_____
Professor Farnsworth: "Oh my, that steamed carrot was a bit spicy for me."
_____
"As a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman,
I'll be over Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure." -Zapp
_____
"I might have liked Zap Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw
me in prison." -Leela "You really are too picky." 
 -Bender
_____
Zapp: There's only one surefire way back into a woman's heart and 
  parts beyond. I speak, of course, of Karaoke.
_____
Professor: "A toast to Leela. She showed us it's wrong to eat certain
things."
_____
Bender: I don't know why, but when I look down at their little faces 
 it makes me want to puke... in a good way.
_____
"Hey, you know what'd cheer you up? You should get yourself a puppy." -Amy 
"A puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies...." -Leela
_____
Leela: "There it is, the near-death star."
_____
Leela: "There it is, the near-death star."
_____
Fry: "Well, thanks to the internet I'm now bored with sex. Is ther a place
on the web that panders to my lust for violence?" 
Bender: "Is the space-pope reptilian?"
_____
Paul: It seems dark-matter is nature's sex drug. It's like a perverted 
 trail mix of penguin estrogen, penguine Viagra and Spanish penguin fly.
_____
Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's 
 court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.
_____
Leela: You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever.
_____
Morbo: "Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human 
 number one, puny human number two and Morbo's good friend 
 Richard Nixon." 
Nixon: "Hello Morbo. How's the family?" 
Morbo: "Belligerent and numerous." 
Nixon: "Good man, Nixon's pro-war and pro-family."
_____
"This is turning into one very sexy struggle for the human race."
 -Zapp Brannigan
_____
Bender: That probulator sure knows how to please a man.
_____
"Wait a second, aren't you a member of the yacht club?" -Bender 
"My God, you're right. I'm a class 3 yacht." -Countess de la Roca
_____
Champion Pet Show Today 
 Kids: See Toucan Sam's death mask
_____
"Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh." -Fry 
"Well, it's a Fox affiliate." -TV worker guy 
"What are you showing right now?" -Fry 
"'Single Female Lawyer.' It's the season finale. Wanna watch?" -TV worker
guy 
"I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World's
Blankiest Blank." -Fry 
"She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt." -TV worker guy 
"I'm in." -Fry
_____
"But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault
line between this mass of coffee grounds and this 
 deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor 
 "In theory, it could work." -General 
 "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a
mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom 
 "Aw, jeez." -Bender
_____
Bender: "Blackmail's such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it
sound cool."
_____
"I'm a fraud - a poor, lazy, sexy fraud." -Bender
_____
"And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place
where I too hope one day to go: the toilet." 
	-Prof. Farnsworth
_____
Fry: I want to see the edge of the universe.
 Amy: Ooh, that sounds cool. 
 Zoidberg: It's funny. You live in the universe by you 
  never do these things 'til someone comes to visit.
_____
"Look at that five o'clock rust. You've been up all night not drinking,
haven't you?" -Leela
_____
Bender: Life is hilariously cruel.
_____
"Eureka!" -Professor 
 "Did you build the Smell-o-scope?" -Fry 
 "No. I remembered that I built one last year." -Professor
_____
"Bachelor Chow. Now with flavor." -announcer
_____
Bender: I need a calculator.
 Fry: You are a calculator.
 Bender: I need a good calculator.
_____
"Good lord. What is this?" -Fry 
 "It's the decaying ruins of old New York. Welcome home, pal!" -Bender
_____
"I don't get it. Who was this Ted Danson, and why would you pay $10,000 for
his skeleton?" -Leela
_____
"Who would have though hell would really exist? And that it would be in New
Jersey?" -Leela 
"Actually..." - Fry
_____
Bender: This is the Brooklyn-bound B train making local stops at wherever 
 the hell I feel like, watch for the closing doors.
_____
Cubert: "Robots are very good at keeping secrets." 
Bender: "No, we're not, you little bed-wetter. Oops, I'm sorry."
_____
Adelai: A package is just a box until it's delivered.
_____
"Planet Express: our crew is replaceable, your package isn't." -Advertisement
_____
"I'm gonna be a science fiction hero, just like Uhura, or Captain Janeway,
or Xena!" -Fry 
"Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life. Can't you tell the difference?" -Leela 
"Sure, I just like TV better." -Fry
_____
Professor: "Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log onto AOL, and
it just went through. Whee! We're online."
_____
Bender: He's gay. 
Leela: How do you know? 
Bender: I have this thing called gaydar.
_____
Bender: "Hey, guess what you're accessories to?"
_____
Earth men are real men!
_____
"Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone's going to jump out of
it, make sure to put them in after you cook it." 
 -Leela
_____
Fry: Where's Captain Bender? Off catastrophizing some other planet?
_____
Bender: Fry, of all the friends I've had, you're the first.
_____
Morbo: "Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human 
 number one, puny human number two and Morbo's good friend 
 Richard Nixon." 
Nixon: "Hello Morbo. How's the family?" 
Morbo: "Belligerent and numerous." 
Nixon: "Good man, Nixon's pro-war and pro-family."
_____
Marv Albert: He's really showing us what a man with a cannon 
   in his chest can do.
_____
Champion Pet Show Today 
 Kids: See Toucan Sam's death mask
_____
Fry: What's with the eye?
_____
Professor: "Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth."
_____
"Ahhh! We're gonna die! Right?" -Fry 
 "Right." -Bender 
 "Ahhh!" -Fry
_____
Fry: That clover helped my rat-fink brother steal my dream of going into 
   space. Now I'll never get there. 
 Leela: You went there this morning for donuts.
_____
"Look at that five o'clock rust. You've been up all night not drinking,
haven't you?" -Leela
_____
Bender: "Blackmail's such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it
sound cool."
_____
"Didn't you have ads in the twentieth century?" -Leela 
 "Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio...and in
magazines...and movies, and at ballgames, and on buses, and 
 milk cartons, and T-shirts, and bananas, and written in the sky. But not in
dreams, no sirree." -Fry
_____
Professor: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp 
    and their tweet tweet splat.
_____
"Are you all right?" -Leela 
"Ah, it's nothing a a law suit won't cure." -Bender
_____
Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.
_____
Bender: "Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending."
_____
Fry: Have you ever been in love?
 Worm Mayor: No, I thought I was once, but then I remembered our 
 species reproduces with a cloud of spores.
_____
Leela: I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again you screwed 
 up. Now all the planets are gonna start crackin' wise about our mommas. 
 Hermes: I'm just glad my fat ugly momma isn't alive to see this day.
_____
Leela: I guess you never really outgrow being an eyeball... oddball.
_____
Hermes: Baby needs a new pair of shoes! 
 Zoidberg: To hell with your spoiled baby, I need those shoes.
_____
Fry: "Hey, my girlfriend had one of those. Actually, it wasn't her's, it was
her dad's. Actually, she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and 
never closed her curtains." 
Leela: "Fry, remember what I told you about always ending your stories a
sentence earlier?"
_____
"Planet Express: our crew is replaceable, your package isn't." -Advertisement
_____
Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot?
 Professor: No. Why would I know that?
_____
Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you 
   take it all and I say enough!
_____
Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us 
   aren't normal. And that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg. He's 
   a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.
 Zoidberg: Damn right. 
 Fry: And the professor's a senile amoral crackpot.
 Professor: Oyeeaii. (waves) 
 Fry: Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
 Hermes: Tally me banana.
 Fry: Amy is a klutz from Mars.
 Amy: Whoops. (drops her glass)
 Professor: And Fry, you've got that brain thing.
 Fry: I already did!
_____
Fry: "Hey, my girlfriend had one of those. Actually, it wasn't her's, it was
her dad's. Actually, she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and 
never closed her curtains." 
Leela: "Fry, remember what I told you about always ending your stories a
sentence earlier?"
_____
Brooklyn Aquarium, special exhibit: boids of da wattah
_____
Edna: "Teach me to love you, squishy poet from beyond the stars." 
Fry: "I'm flattered, really. If I was gonna do it with a big freaky mud bug,
 you'd be way up the list."
_____
Star Tours
 Note: bus does not leave earth
_____
"That's one small step for Fry..." -Fry 
 "...and one giant line for admission." -stranger in line
_____
Professor: "A toast to Leela. She showed us it's wrong to eat certain
things."
_____
Fry: Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.
_____
Fry: "Do you have anything else for him?"
Contess de la Roca: "Lovely, isn't it?" 
Bender: "Yeah, but only 93% as lovely as you."
Contess de la Roca: "Oh, Bender. Either that was a computing error, or 
you're the most romantic robot I've ever met."
_____
Loew's Qaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater
_____
Bubblegum: Good lord, that sucker's shakin' around like 
   some fine imported booty.
_____
Zapp: There's only one surefire way back into a woman's heart and 
  parts beyond. I speak, of course, of Karaoke.
_____
Bender: If it ain't black and white, peck, scratch and bite.
_____
Fry: That clover helped my rat-fink brother steal my dream of going into 
   space. Now I'll never get there. 
 Leela: You went there this morning for donuts.
_____
"And so, on behalf of the entire city, I thank you Professor Farnsworth. I
now present you with the Academy Prize, which we 
 confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a
jackass." -Mayor
_____
Bender: "You know the secret of traditional robot cooking? Start with a good
high-quality oil, then eat it."
_____
"I'm never gonna get used to the thirty-first century. Caffeinated bacon?
Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?" -Fry 
 "Well if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula." -Leela
_____
"Are you all right?" -Leela 
"Ah, it's nothing a a law suit won't cure." -Bender
_____
Fry: Mmm, the gristle in a blanket isn't half bad.
 Bender: And try one of these popsicle sticks. They've 
   absorbed quite a bit of flavor.
_____
Bender: I ain't your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much. 
   You even love anybody pretending to be him!
 Angleyne: Well, maybe I love you so much I love you no matter 
   who you're pretending to be.
 Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that.
_____
"I don't care how many eyes a man has... as long as it's less than five."
-Leela
_____
Professor: Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave.
_____
Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and 
 possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
_____
Leela: And nappster says illegal copies never hurt anybody.
_____
"I'm never gonna get used to the thirty-first century. Caffeinated bacon?
Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?" -Fry 
 "Well if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula." -Leela
_____
Fry: Ooh, Big Pink. It's the only gum with the breath freshening power of ham.
 Bender: And it pinkens your teeth while you chew.
_____
Fry: I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be 
   chopped up into a patty. 
 Judge Whitey: Ah, the sixty-seventh ammendment.
_____
"I'm a fraud - a poor, lazy, sexy fraud." -Bender
_____
Marv Albert: He's really showing us what a man with a cannon 
   in his chest can do.
_____
Zapp: You win again, gravity!
_____
Fry: "You know what I like best about you, Umbrielle? You find me
fascinating, even when I'm not claiming to be a jewel thief 
or a lion tamer."
_____
Cubert: "Robots are very good at keeping secrets." 
Bender: "No, we're not, you little bed-wetter. Oops, I'm sorry."
_____
"Bachelor Chow. Now with flavor." -announcer
_____
(talking to the Beastie Boys) 
Fry: Wow. I love you guys. Back in the 20th century, I had all five of
 your albums.
Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven. 
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones. And a couple of blank tapes?
_____
Bender: "I came here with a simple dream, a dream of killing all humans."
_____
Bender: Oh no! Not the magnet!
_____
Fry: Whoah. Check out that guy. He makes Speedy Gonzales look like 
 Regular Gonzalez.
_____
Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter
_____
Give a hoot-o 
 Don't pollute Pluto
_____
Bender: That probulator sure knows how to please a man.
_____
Bender: Life is hilariously cruel.
_____
"I might have liked Zap Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw
me in prison." -Leela "You really are too picky." 
 -Bender
_____
Fry: Where's Captain Bender? Off catastrophizing some other planet?
_____
"Hey, I'm startin' to get the hang of this game. The blerns are loaded. The
count's three blerns and two anti-blerns, and the 
 infield blern rule is in effect. Right?" -Fry 
 "Other than the word blern, that was complete gibberish." -Leela
_____
"I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific fraud like global warming
or second-hand smoke." -Mayor
_____
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical 
 standpoint.
_____
Fry: I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having disks crammed 
 into me... unless they're Oreos, and then only in the mouth.
_____
Bender: "Oh my God, I'm so excited I wish I could wet my pants."
_____
Leela: "Well, it's a type M planet, so it should at least have
Roddenberries."
_____
Professor: Anywho, your net suits will let you experience Fry's 
 worm-infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them. 
 Zoidberg: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like.
_____
"And Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt as well. Were it not for your
twentieth century garbage-making skills, we'd all be 
 buried under twentieth century garbage." -Mayor
_____
Zapp: "Why'd you open your bong-hole, you smelly hippie? You'd sacrifice a
beautiful woman to save a moderately attractive 
monkey? You must have smoked some bad granola."
_____
"Hey, sexy mama. Wanna kill all the humans?" -Bender
_____
Bender: I get a good vibe from this place. Nice long dinner table, 
   quiet well-behaved spiders, graveyards adjacent....
_____
"Listen, Bender, where's your bathroom?" -Fry 
 "Bath what?" -Bender 
 "Bathroom." -Fry 
 "What room?" -Bender 
 "Bathroom!" -Fry 
 "What what?" Bender 
 "Ah, nevermind." -Fry
_____
Michelle: You should be chief.
 Fry: What do I need, ulcers?
_____
Professor: The tanker has six-thousand hulls, so, unlike me, 
   it's entirely leak-proof.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "It funny because it's poisonous." 
Fry: "Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp."
_____
"Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone's going to jump out of
it, make sure to put them in after you cook it." 
 -Leela
_____
Bender: I need a calculator.
 Fry: You are a calculator.
 Bender: I need a good calculator.
_____
Paul: Good way to avoid frostbite, folks, put your hands between 
 your buttocks. That's nature's pocket.
_____
"It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows: at the end of
the episode, everything's always right back to normal." -Fry
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Now I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you
consider his age he's likely to die soon."
_____
Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange
   wax in my ears.
_____
Hermes: Baby needs a new pair of shoes! 
 Zoidberg: To hell with your spoiled baby, I need those shoes.
_____
Janitor: Oh, marmalade!
_____
Al Gore to Fry: "You fool! You foolish fool!"
_____
Fry: How did I get Leela to love me? I've got to figure it out. 
 Hermes: Maybe you're just a fantastic lover, Fry. 
 Amy: No.
_____
Professor: Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat 
 their heart to gain their courage. Their rich tasty courage.
_____
"Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh." -Fry 
"Well, it's a Fox affiliate." -TV worker guy 
"What are you showing right now?" -Fry 
"'Single Female Lawyer.' It's the season finale. Wanna watch?" -TV worker
guy 
"I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World's
Blankiest Blank." -Fry 
"She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt." -TV worker guy 
"I'm in." -Fry
_____
Professor: I knew I should have shown him "Electro-Gonnorhea, the Noisy Killer."
_____
Amy: Aw, he looks like a little insane drunken angel.
_____
Calculon: I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this.
_____
Fry: I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having disks crammed 
 into me... unless they're Oreos, and then only in the mouth.
_____
Bender: "Blackmail's such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it
sound cool."
_____
Adelai: A package is just a box until it's delivered.
_____
Computer: "Leela, you've got mail. It's not spam!"
_____
Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his 
   humanity the way only a woman can. 
 Professor: You're going to do his laundry?
_____
"As a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman,
I'll be over Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure." -Zapp
_____
Professor: While you were gone the Trotters held a news conference 
   to announce that I was a jive sucker.
_____
Give a hoot-o 
 Don't pollute Pluto
_____
Fry: "Hey, you guys, the most amazing thing happened, it's two-for-one
Tuesday at Krispy Kreme! Plus there's mermaids."
_____
Fry: I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having disks crammed 
 into me... unless they're Oreos, and then only in the mouth.
_____
Fry: What's with the eye?
_____
Were-Bender: Oh boy, I feel like a car in a candy store.
_____
Bender: "Argh. The laws of science be a harsh mistress."
_____
Fry: Leela, Bender, we're going grave-robbing.
 Bender: I'll get my kit!
_____
Bob Barker: "Which one of these lovely womanoids will take home atomic tiara?"
_____
Michelle: When we get back to the hole we are going to have a long 
   boring talk about our relationship.
_____
Fry: I want to see the edge of the universe.
 Amy: Ooh, that sounds cool. 
 Zoidberg: It's funny. You live in the universe by you 
  never do these things 'til someone comes to visit.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "A successor to the professor?"
_____
Old robot: What are ye doing? 
   Bender: We're whaling on the original were-car, which is you, you jerk.   
   Old robot: Ye think me be he? 
   Bender: Si.   
   Old robot: Nee. I mean, no.
_____
Zoidberg: "Hooray, I'm useful. I'm having a wonderful time."
_____
Fry: "Do you have anything else for him?"
Contess de la Roca: "Lovely, isn't it?" 
Bender: "Yeah, but only 93% as lovely as you."
Contess de la Roca: "Oh, Bender. Either that was a computing error, or 
you're the most romantic robot I've ever met."
_____
Bubblegum: Bender, you can talk trash, you can handle the ball, 
 but look in your heart and ask yourself: are you funky
 enough to be a Globe Trotter? Are you?
 Bender: Yes.
 Bubblegum: Are you? 
 Bender: I mean, with time, my funk level could... 
 Bubblegum: Are you?!
 Bender: No. 
 Bubblegum: Deal with it.
_____
Bender: He's gay. 
Leela: How do you know? 
Bender: I have this thing called gaydar.
_____
Fry: Ooh, Big Pink. It's the only gum with the breath freshening power of ham.
 Bender: And it pinkens your teeth while you chew.
_____
Leela: Oh, Adelai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared 
 at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me 
 feel so not weird.
_____
Bender: He's gay. 
Leela: How do you know? 
Bender: I have this thing called gaydar.
_____
Leela: "Are you real, or am I seeing single?" 
Alcazar: "Ow. Of course I'm real." 
Leela: "After all this time, somebody else with one eye who isn't a clumsy
carpenter or a kid with a BB gun."
_____
Oscar Party 
 No losers admitted
_____
Fry: "Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. Yes?" 
Zoidberg: "Is the desire to mate a feeling?"
_____
Hermes: Dating your ex, Fry? Have you lost all self-respect?
 Fry: All what?
_____
(talking to the Beastie Boys) 
Fry: Wow. I love you guys. Back in the 20th century, I had all five of
 your albums.
Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven. 
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones. And a couple of blank tapes?
_____
Earth men are real men!
_____
Give a hoot-o 
 Don't pollute Pluto
_____
Fry: "Hey, you guys, the most amazing thing happened, it's two-for-one
Tuesday at Krispy Kreme! Plus there's mermaids."
_____
"Why would a robot need to drink?" -Fry 
 "I don't need to drink, I can quit anytime I want." -Bender
_____
Bender: "In the event of an emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation
device."
_____
Michelle: When we get back to the hole we are going to have a long 
   boring talk about our relationship.
_____
"C'mon guys. Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999...again." -Fry 
 "I'm gonna drink 'till I reboot." -Bender
_____
Loew's Qaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater
_____
Zapp: "Why'd you open your bong-hole, you smelly hippie? You'd sacrifice a
beautiful woman to save a moderately attractive 
monkey? You must have smoked some bad granola."
_____
Cubert: "Why do I have to be the hump?" 
Fry: "'Cause you're too ugly to be a wart."
_____
Fry: "Well, thanks to the internet I'm now bored with sex. Is ther a place
on the web that panders to my lust for violence?" 
Bender: "Is the space-pope reptilian?"
_____
"Bender, we didn't mind your drinking or your cleptomania or your
pornography ring." -Leela 
 "In fact, that's why we love you." -Zoidberg
_____
Tonight's special, blackened blackened leftovers
_____
Professor: I knew I should have shown him "Electro-Gonnorhea, the Noisy Killer."
_____
Fry: What are we going to do? 
 Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery. 
 Amy: No, let's buy internet stock.
 Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
 Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible.
 Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
 Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party!
 Everyone: Yeah!
_____
"Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get
out and see the real world." -Leela 
"But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world." -Fry 
"Everyone's too polite to say anything, but you're covered with bed sores."
	-Leela 
"Not covered." -Fry
_____
Amy: "Way to go, Professor, the plan worked." 
Mom: "Plan? What plan? I thought this was a spontaneous whirlwind of hot dry
sex."
_____
Amy: "Bender, your beer belly's so big your door won't even close. And that
 doesn't even make sense."
_____
Fry: "Well, thanks to the internet I'm now bored with sex. Is ther a place
on the web that panders to my lust for violence?" 
Bender: "Is the space-pope reptilian?"
_____
Zapp: She's built like a steak house but she handles like a bistro.
_____
Bender: "Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending."
_____
Leela: Oh, Adelai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared 
 at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me 
 feel so not weird.
_____
"This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in... if he were a
fiddler crab." -Fry
_____
"So.. humans have easily injured knees. My race will find this
information very useful indeed. Mwahwahahahaha!"
 --Morbo
_____
Paul: If rubbin' frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey, 
 I don't wanna be right.
_____
Bubblegum: Good lord, that sucker's shakin' around like 
   some fine imported booty.
_____
Leela: Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer and 
   reprogram it to let them go. 
 Bender: Maybe you can interface with my ass... by biting it.
_____
Michelle: I can't find a vanishing cream that doesn't make me actually vanish.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "It funny because it's poisonous." 
Fry: "Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp."
_____
Leela: "If you could change form, why didn't you change it in the one place
that counts?"
_____
Leela: I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again you screwed 
 up. Now all the planets are gonna start crackin' wise about our mommas. 
 Hermes: I'm just glad my fat ugly momma isn't alive to see this day.
_____
Earth Army Recruiting Center: What are you, chicken? Buk buk buk!
_____
"Why don't you just come move in with me?" -Bender 
 "Really? That would be great! You sure I won't be imposing?" -Fry 
 "Nah. I've always wanted a pet." -Bender
_____
"This is Vergon 6." -Professor 
 "Bah." -Amy 
 It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little
doomed animals." -Professor
_____
Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.
_____
"C'mon guys. Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999...again." -Fry 
 "I'm gonna drink 'till I reboot." -Bender
_____
Fry: So, there's an infinite number of parallel universes?
 Professor: No, just the two.
 Fry: Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough.
_____
"Hey, you know what'd cheer you up? You should get yourself a puppy." -Amy 
"A puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies...." -Leela
_____
Bob Barker: "I may be against the fur industry, but that won't stop me from
skinning you alive... as long as no one wears the skin."

Fry: "How can I live my life if I can't tell good from evil?" 
Bender: "Ah, they're both fine choices, whatever floats your boat."
_____
Zoidberg: Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough to be thrown back!
_____
"From this day forth, Robot House is on dodecatuple secret probation." -Dean
Vernon
_____
"I'm gonna be a famous hero just like Neil Armstrong and those other brave
guys no one ever heard of." -Fry
_____
Leela: You guys distract the were-car, and I'll kill it by plugging its 
   exhaust pipe with this silver potato.
_____
Professor: I've been a Harold Zoid fan since back when my 
   hips were made of bone.
_____
"Who would have though hell would really exist? And that it would be in New
Jersey?" -Leela 
"Actually..." - Fry
_____
Fry: What are we going to do? 
 Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery. 
 Amy: No, let's buy internet stock.
 Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
 Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible.
 Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
 Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party!
 Everyone: Yeah!
_____
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are 
 you jacking on in there?
_____
Professor: Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good 
 captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender 
 is perfect for the job.
 Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "It funny because it's poisonous." 
Fry: "Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp."
_____
"Hey, I'm startin' to get the hang of this game. The blerns are loaded. The
count's three blerns and two anti-blerns, and the 
 infield blern rule is in effect. Right?" -Fry 
 "Other than the word blern, that was complete gibberish." -Leela
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Okay, so you're nonchalant, stop rubbing our noses in it.
_____
Champion Pet Show Today 
 Kids: See Toucan Sam's death mask
_____
Fry: I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having disks crammed 
 into me... unless they're Oreos, and then only in the mouth.
_____
Bender: "Oh my God, I'm so excited I wish I could wet my pants."
_____
"Lightspeed briefs: style and comfort for the discriminating crotch."
-announcer
_____
Final Curtain 
 Old Actors' Home
_____
Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!
_____
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are 
 you jacking on in there?
_____
Leela: You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever.
_____
Farnsworth: Oh my God!! 
Fry: What is it? 
Farnsworth: It's..It's...It's my new pager!
_____
If food is not reasonably clean, return uneaten portion for partial refund
_____
Pop a Poppler in your mouth 
When you come to Fishy Joe's 
What they're made of is a mystery 
Where they come from no one knows 
You can pick 'em you can lick 'em you can chew 'em you can stick 'em 
If you promise not to sue us you can shove one up your nose.
_____
Alcazar: "I hope you don't think less of me becuase I live in a giant
castle."
_____
Leela: "It's amazing that your people can fall in love so fast." 
Zoidberg: "Love? That word is unknown here. I'm simply looking for a female
 swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material." 
Fry: "You and me both, brother."
_____
Leela: Well, goodnight. I'm gonna go make my dinners for the next month 
   and freeze them.
_____
Zapp: The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongey and bruised.
_____
Professor: Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat 
 their heart to gain their courage. Their rich tasty courage.
_____
Michelle: You expect me to live in a tiny little hole?
 Fry: It'd be deeper, but I'm standing on a gopher.
_____
Professor: Dirt doesn't need luck.
_____
Fry: "You know what I like best about you, Umbrielle? You find me
fascinating, even when I'm not claiming to be a jewel thief 
or a lion tamer."
_____
"This is a great, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus. Heh heh."
-Fry 
 "I don't get it." -Leela 
 "I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid
joke once and for all." -Professor 
 "Oh. What's it called now?" -Fry 
 "Urectum." -Professor
_____
Fry: What are we going to do? 
 Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery. 
 Amy: No, let's buy internet stock.
 Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
 Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible.
 Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
 Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party!
 Everyone: Yeah!
_____
Leela: "We've blown out one of our engines." 
Fry: "Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it... fix it, fix it, fix
it!"
_____
Paul: If rubbin' frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey, 
 I don't wanna be right.
_____
Professor: "Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth."
_____
Fry: Ooh, Big Pink. It's the only gum with the breath freshening power of ham.
 Bender: And it pinkens your teeth while you chew.
_____
"Hurry up! I wanna see the moon." -Fry 
 "Relax. It's open 'till nine." -Leela
_____
"This is turning into one very sexy struggle for the human race."
 -Zapp Brannigan
_____
Bender: "Oh my God, I'm so excited I wish I could wet my pants."
_____
Professor Farnsworth: "He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for
ocean rudeness."
_____
"That's one small step for Fry..." -Fry 
 "...and one giant line for admission." -stranger in line
_____
Zoidberg: "Hooray, I'm useful. I'm having a wonderful time."
_____
Bender: Oh, Lord, I'm on the verge of a nervous melt-down.
_____
Hermes: "Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams
things."
_____
Final Curtain 
 Old Actors' Home
_____
Fry: Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.
_____
Bender: Hey! What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one
 hooker.
_____
Famous Original Ray's Superior Court
_____
Fry: I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me? 
 Leela: Oh, lots of reasons.
_____
Fry: Hey, I don't see you planning for your old age.
 Bender: I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off switch to off.
_____
Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's 
 court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.
_____
Fry: Mmm, the gristle in a blanket isn't half bad.
 Bender: And try one of these popsicle sticks. They've 
   absorbed quite a bit of flavor.
_____
Bender: I ain't your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much. 
   You even love anybody pretending to be him!
 Angleyne: Well, maybe I love you so much I love you no matter 
   who you're pretending to be.
 Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that.
_____
"And so, on behalf of the entire city, I thank you Professor Farnsworth. I
now present you with the Academy Prize, which we 
 confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a
jackass." -Mayor
_____
Champion Pet Show Today 
 Kids: See Toucan Sam's death mask
_____
Handcrafters: New hands in about an hour
 Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break them in tonight.
_____
"Didn't you have ads in the twentieth century?" -Leela 
 "Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio...and in
magazines...and movies, and at ballgames, and on buses, and 
 milk cartons, and T-shirts, and bananas, and written in the sky. But not in
dreams, no sirree." -Fry
_____
Professor: Perhaps it's your outlook that need a good bend, a ninety 
 degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
_____
Bender: "Oh my God, I'm so excited I wish I could wet my pants."
_____
"Look, it's our nebula. Whenever I see it I'll think back to when we
almost..." (nebula gets sucked into the black hole) 
"Oop. Nevermind." -Fry
_____
Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and 
 possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
_____
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical 
 standpoint.
_____
Mom's son: "Hell hath no fury like the vast robot armies of a woman
scorned."
_____
Leela: "Great. We're two days from earth with no food." 
Bender: "Problem solved. You two fight to the death and I'll cook the
loser."
_____
Professor: While you were gone the Trotters held a news conference 
   to announce that I was a jive sucker.
_____
Leela: Ah, maybe they're right, maybe Nibbler is dumb.
 Fry: Don't listen to them, Leela. People said I was dumb but I proved them!
_____
Leela: Hold Still, I don't have good depth perception!
_____
Cubert: "Why do I have to be the hump?" 
Fry: "'Cause you're too ugly to be a wart."
_____
"Lightspeed briefs: style and comfort for the discriminating crotch."
-announcer
_____
"C'mon guys. Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999...again." -Fry 
 "I'm gonna drink 'till I reboot." -Bender
_____
Fry: I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me? 
 Leela: Oh, lots of reasons.
_____
Zapp: There's only one surefire way back into a woman's heart and 
  parts beyond. I speak, of course, of Karaoke.
_____
Bender to Zoidberg: "You're looking less nuts, crabby."
_____
Bender: I don't know why, but when I look down at their little faces 
 it makes me want to puke... in a good way.
_____
"I heard one time you single-handedly defeated a hoard of rampaging of
somethings in the something something system." -Fry
_____
Morbo: "Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human 
 number one, puny human number two and Morbo's good friend 
 Richard Nixon." 
Nixon: "Hello Morbo. How's the family?" 
Morbo: "Belligerent and numerous." 
Nixon: "Good man, Nixon's pro-war and pro-family."
_____
"Hey, sexy mama. Wanna kill all the humans?" -Bender
_____
"Well, I give up. What's the catch?" -Fry 
 "Oh, no catch. Although we are, technically, in New Jersey." -Real estate
agent
_____
Fry: "Hey, professor, what are you teaching this semester?"
Prof. Farnsworth: "Same thing I teach every semester, the mathematics of 
quantum nutrino fields. I made up the title so that no student would 
dare take it."
Fry: "Mathematics of wonton burrito meals...." 
Prof. Farnsworth: "Please, Fry, I don't know how to teach. I'm a professor."
_____
Professor: Anywho, your net suits will let you experience Fry's 
 worm-infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them. 
 Zoidberg: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like.
_____
Bender: "One of you will have to fill in for me while I'm gone." 
Professor Farnsworth: "Better yet, I'll build someone to fill in for you.
Some kind of gamma-powered mechanical monsters with 
freeway on-ramps for arms and a heart as black as coal..."
_____
Leela: Well, goodnight. I'm gonna go make my dinners for the next month 
   and freeze them.
_____
"Please select mode of death: quick and painless or slow and horrible."
 "Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call." -Fry 
 "You have selected slow and horrible." -Automated voice 
 "Great choice." -Bender
_____
Bender: I ain't your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much. 
   You even love anybody pretending to be him!
 Angleyne: Well, maybe I love you so much I love you no matter 
   who you're pretending to be.
 Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that.
_____
Bender: If it ain't black and white, peck, scratch and bite.
_____
Calculon: I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this.
_____
Fry: I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having disks crammed 
 into me... unless they're Oreos, and then only in the mouth.
_____
Leela: "Are you real, or am I seeing single?" 
Alcazar: "Ow. Of course I'm real." 
Leela: "After all this time, somebody else with one eye who isn't a clumsy
carpenter or a kid with a BB gun."
_____
Leela: "If you could change form, why didn't you change it in the one place
that counts?"
_____
Old robot: I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.
_____
"So.. humans have easily injured knees. My race will find this
information very useful indeed. Mwahwahahahaha!"
 --Morbo
_____
"Listen, Bender, where's your bathroom?" -Fry 
 "Bath what?" -Bender 
 "Bathroom." -Fry 
 "What room?" -Bender 
 "Bathroom!" -Fry 
 "What what?" Bender 
 "Ah, nevermind." -Fry
_____
Bender: Hey! What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one
 hooker.
_____
If food is not reasonably clean, return uneaten portion for partial refund
_____
Bender: Well I don't have anything else planned for today, let's get drunk!
_____
Bender: He's a witch!
_____
Professor: Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat 
 their heart to gain their courage. Their rich tasty courage.
_____
Fry: I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be 
   chopped up into a patty. 
 Judge Whitey: Ah, the sixty-seventh ammendment.
_____
Professor: "If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, you can bet I won't be
out of loop."
_____
Bender to Zoidberg: "You're looking less nuts, crabby."
_____
Edna: "Excuse me, I've got to powder my mouth flaps."
_____
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
_____
Leela: And nappster says illegal copies never hurt anybody.
_____
Professor: The tanker has six-thousand hulls, so, unlike me, 
   it's entirely leak-proof.
_____
"Hey! Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property!"
"You can't *own* property, man!"
"I can! That's because I'm not a penniless hippie!" 
 --Farnsworth & hippie
_____
Fry: Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Ow, my head! Ow, my feet!
 Professor: Keep your chin up. 
 Fry: Ow, my chin!
_____
Bender: He's a witch!
_____
Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us 
   aren't normal. And that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg. He's 
   a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.
 Zoidberg: Damn right. 
 Fry: And the professor's a senile amoral crackpot.
 Professor: Oyeeaii. (waves) 
 Fry: Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
 Hermes: Tally me banana.
 Fry: Amy is a klutz from Mars.
 Amy: Whoops. (drops her glass)
 Professor: And Fry, you've got that brain thing.
 Fry: I already did!
_____
"Hey! Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property!"
"You can't *own* property, man!"
"I can! That's because I'm not a penniless hippie!" 
 --Farnsworth & hippie
_____
Farnsworth: Oh no! I should do something....but i am already in my pajamas.
_____
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
_____
"Please don't hit me! I'm brittle!"
 --Zoidberg
_____
"Good news, everyone." -Professor 
 "Uh oh. I don't like the sound of that." -Bender 
 "You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisaw." -Professor 
 "Here it comes." -Bender 
 "A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the forbidden zone."
-Professor 
 "Thank you, and goodnight." -Bender
_____
Zoidberg: This letter has to be very personal, so I'm 
 	writing it in my own ink.
_____
Zapp: She's built like a steak house but she handles like a bistro.
_____
Loew's Qaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater
_____
Cop: "He's making a break for it. Get him!" 
Fry: "No, no, I was just picking my nose." 
Cop: "He's picking his nose. Get him!"
_____
Bender: I finally meet a nice girl with a pair of legs 
   that don't quite unexpectedly...
_____
Professor: I knew I should have shown him "Electro-Gonnorhea, the Noisy Killer."
_____
Professor: Superstitious robot mumbo jumbo.   
   Old robot: Mumbo, perhaps, jumbo, perhaps not.
_____
If food is not reasonably clean, return uneaten portion for partial refund
_____
"Bender, we didn't mind your drinking or your cleptomania or your
pornography ring." -Leela 
 "In fact, that's why we love you." -Zoidberg
_____
Hermes: Dating your ex, Fry? Have you lost all self-respect?
 Fry: All what?
_____
"Please don't hit me! I'm brittle!"
 --Zoidberg
_____
"Why don't you just come move in with me?" -Bender 
 "Really? That would be great! You sure I won't be imposing?" -Fry 
 "Nah. I've always wanted a pet." -Bender
_____
Leela: "He's crude and gross and he treats me like a slave." 
Fry: "Then dump his one-eyed ass."
_____
"I don't care how many eyes a man has... as long as it's less than five."
-Leela
_____
"Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh." -Fry 
"Well, it's a Fox affiliate." -TV worker guy 
"What are you showing right now?" -Fry 
"'Single Female Lawyer.' It's the season finale. Wanna watch?" -TV worker
guy 
"I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World's
Blankiest Blank." -Fry 
"She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt." -TV worker guy 
"I'm in." -Fry
_____
Alcazar: "Leela, this must all be very confusing." 
Leela: "A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it."
_____
Bender: "Tell the Donbot I'm quitting organized crime. From now on I'll stick
to the regular kind."
_____
"Well, I give up. What's the catch?" -Fry 
 "Oh, no catch. Although we are, technically, in New Jersey." -Real estate
agent
_____
Leela: "It's amazing that your people can fall in love so fast." 
Zoidberg: "Love? That word is unknown here. I'm simply looking for a female
 swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material." 
Fry: "You and me both, brother."
_____
Amy: Worms? Ew, pukatronic!
_____
Professor: Oh, dear. She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot. 
   Well, that's love for you.
_____
"Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get
out and see the real world." -Leela 
"But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world." -Fry 
"Everyone's too polite to say anything, but you're covered with bed sores."
	-Leela 
"Not covered." -Fry
_____
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are 
 you jacking on in there?
_____
"I don't care how many eyes a man has... as long as it's less than five."
-Leela
_____
"I'm gonna be a famous hero just like Neil Armstrong and those other brave
guys no one ever heard of." -Fry
_____
Fry: Ooh, Big Pink. It's the only gum with the breath freshening power of ham.
 Bender: And it pinkens your teeth while you chew.
_____
"Didn't you have ads in the twentieth century?" -Leela 
 "Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio...and in
magazines...and movies, and at ballgames, and on buses, and 
 milk cartons, and T-shirts, and bananas, and written in the sky. But not in
dreams, no sirree." -Fry
_____
Bubblegum: Good lord, that sucker's shakin' around like 
   some fine imported booty.
_____
Amy: Aw, he looks like a little insane drunken angel.
_____
Leela: Bender's flying too low! And he's upside-down! 
 Protestor: He must be talking on a cell-phone.
_____
Bubblegum: Bender, you can talk trash, you can handle the ball, 
 but look in your heart and ask yourself: are you funky
 enough to be a Globe Trotter? Are you?
 Bender: Yes.
 Bubblegum: Are you? 
 Bender: I mean, with time, my funk level could... 
 Bubblegum: Are you?!
 Bender: No. 
 Bubblegum: Deal with it.
_____
Fry: Ah, the Breakfast Club soundtrack. Man, I can't wait until I'm old 
   enough to feel ways about stuff.
_____
Leela: Is there some way to keep them from breeding?
 Paul: Cold showers don't work on Antarctic creatures.
_____
Bender: Pardon me, brother. Care to donate to the anti-mugging you fund?
 Leela: We don't need to beg, Bender. For God's sake, we're not veterans.
_____
Fry: What are we going to do? 
 Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery. 
 Amy: No, let's buy internet stock.
 Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
 Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible.
 Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
 Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party!
 Everyone: Yeah!
_____
"Good news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the
virus planet." -Professor 
 "Why can't they go today?" 
 "Because tonight's a special night, and I want all of you to be alive."
-Professor
_____
"Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh." -Fry 
"Well, it's a Fox affiliate." -TV worker guy 
"What are you showing right now?" -Fry 
"'Single Female Lawyer.' It's the season finale. Wanna watch?" -TV worker
guy 
"I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World's
Blankiest Blank." -Fry 
"She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt." -TV worker guy 
"I'm in." -Fry
_____
Fry: "Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. Yes?" 
Zoidberg: "Is the desire to mate a feeling?"
_____
Adelai: A package is just a box until it's delivered.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Now I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you
consider his age he's likely to die soon."
_____
Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.
_____
Bender: He's a witch!
_____
Leela: You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever.
_____
"Bender, we didn't mind your drinking or your cleptomania or your
pornography ring." -Leela 
 "In fact, that's why we love you." -Zoidberg
_____
Hermes: Dating your ex, Fry? Have you lost all self-respect?
 Fry: All what?
_____
Fatbot: "I heard that in one single night you drank a whole keg, streaked across
campus, and crammed fifty-eight humans into a phone booth."
Bender: "Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were children...."
_____
Old robot: What are ye doing? 
   Bender: We're whaling on the original were-car, which is you, you jerk.   
   Old robot: Ye think me be he? 
   Bender: Si.   
   Old robot: Nee. I mean, no.
_____
"This is turning into one very sexy struggle for the human race."
 -Zapp Brannigan
_____
Leela: "If you could change form, why didn't you change it in the one place
that counts?"
_____
Professor: "A toast to Leela. She showed us it's wrong to eat certain
things."
_____
"And Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt as well. Were it not for your
twentieth century garbage-making skills, we'd all be 
 buried under twentieth century garbage." -Mayor
_____
Fry: That clover helped my rat-fink brother steal my dream of going into 
   space. Now I'll never get there. 
 Leela: You went there this morning for donuts.
_____
"Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated
type." -Leela
_____
"Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh." -Fry 
"Well, it's a Fox affiliate." -TV worker guy 
"What are you showing right now?" -Fry 
"'Single Female Lawyer.' It's the season finale. Wanna watch?" -TV worker
guy 
"I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World's
Blankiest Blank." -Fry 
"She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt." -TV worker guy 
"I'm in." -Fry
_____
Brooklyn Aquarium, special exhibit: boids of da wattah
_____
Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and 
 possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
_____
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical 
 standpoint.
_____
Leela: That aerosal head spray makes your antenna smell nice... 
 Bender: Thank you.
 Leela: ...but it's doing long-term damage to the planet.
 Bender: So? It's not like it's the only one we've got.
_____
Earth men are real men!
_____
Fry: Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.
_____
Bender: "Aw, I think I got whiplash." 
Leela: "You can't have whiplash, you don't have a neck." 
Bender: "I meant ass whiplash."
_____
"But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault
line between this mass of coffee grounds and this 
 deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor 
 "In theory, it could work." -General 
 "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a
mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom 
 "Aw, jeez." -Bender
_____
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
_____
"Look at that five o'clock rust. You've been up all night not drinking,
haven't you?" -Leela
_____
Bender: Fry, of all the friends I've had, you're the first.
_____
"Hurry up! I wanna see the moon." -Fry 
 "Relax. It's open 'till nine." -Leela
_____
Robot priest: And so we commend Vladimir's remains to the earth: 
   filings to filings, rust to rust.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Now I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you
consider his age he's likely to die soon."
_____
"I betcha Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye." -Fry 
 "That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes
and poke one out." -Bender 
 "Yeah, that'd be a timesaver." -Fry
_____
"Y'know, Zap, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I
realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But 
 now I realize that outside that child is just a big pompous buffoon."
-Leela
_____
nappster.com: Download any celebrity from A.A. Milne to Z.Z. Top
_____
Fry: Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.
_____
Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his 
   humanity the way only a woman can. 
 Professor: You're going to do his laundry?
_____
Bender: I can't keep running people over. I'm not famous enough 
   to get away with it.
_____
Earth men are real men!
_____
Bender: "I came here with a simple dream, a dream of killing all humans."
_____
Fry: "Hey, my girlfriend had one of those. Actually, it wasn't her's, it was
her dad's. Actually, she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and 
never closed her curtains." 
Leela: "Fry, remember what I told you about always ending your stories a
sentence earlier?"
_____
Leela: Oh, Adelai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared 
 at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me 
 feel so not weird.
_____
Bender: Life is hilariously cruel.
_____
"Ahhh! We're gonna die! Right?" -Fry 
 "Right." -Bender 
 "Ahhh!" -Fry
_____
Hermes: "Hail, Atlanta."
_____
Bender: OK, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals.
_____
Leela: I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again you screwed 
 up. Now all the planets are gonna start crackin' wise about our mommas. 
 Hermes: I'm just glad my fat ugly momma isn't alive to see this day.
_____
Tonight's special, blackened blackened leftovers
_____
"Look at that five o'clock rust. You've been up all night not drinking,
haven't you?" -Leela
_____
"If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo."
-Professor
_____
Bubblegum: Bender, you can talk trash, you can handle the ball, 
 but look in your heart and ask yourself: are you funky
 enough to be a Globe Trotter? Are you?
 Bender: Yes.
 Bubblegum: Are you? 
 Bender: I mean, with time, my funk level could... 
 Bubblegum: Are you?!
 Bender: No. 
 Bubblegum: Deal with it.
_____
Bender: "Blackmail's such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it
sound cool."
_____
Zoidberg: Muy macho. Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin 
   your drinking water!
_____
"That's one small step for Fry..." -Fry 
 "...and one giant line for admission." -stranger in line
_____
Final Curtain 
 Old Actors' Home
_____
Professor: While you were gone the Trotters held a news conference 
   to announce that I was a jive sucker.
_____
Give a hoot-o 
 Don't pollute Pluto
_____
Bender: Stay away from our women. You got metal fever, baby, metal fever!
_____
Bender: I need a calculator.
 Fry: You are a calculator.
 Bender: I need a good calculator.
_____
Zoidberg: Muy macho. Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin 
   your drinking water!
_____
"I don't get it. Who was this Ted Danson, and why would you pay $10,000 for
his skeleton?" -Leela
_____
Morbo: "Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human 
 number one, puny human number two and Morbo's good friend 
 Richard Nixon." 
Nixon: "Hello Morbo. How's the family?" 
Morbo: "Belligerent and numerous." 
Nixon: "Good man, Nixon's pro-war and pro-family."
_____
Alcazar: "I hope you don't think less of me becuase I live in a giant
castle."
_____
Cop: "He's making a break for it. Get him!" 
Fry: "No, no, I was just picking my nose." 
Cop: "He's picking his nose. Get him!"
_____
"C'mon, it's just like making love. Y'know, left, down, rotate sixty-two
degrees, engage rotors...." -Bender
_____
"I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific fraud like global warming
or second-hand smoke." -Mayor
_____
Famous Original Ray's Superior Court
_____
Bob Barker: "Which one of these lovely womanoids will take home atomic tiara?"
_____
"Finally, I have a good claw! See? Three human females, a number, and
a king giving himself brain surgery!"
 --Zoidberg, on the ideal poker hand
_____
Bubblegum: Good lord, that sucker's shakin' around like 
   some fine imported booty.
_____
Leela: And nappster says illegal copies never hurt anybody.
_____
Fry: "Do you have anything else for him?"
Contess de la Roca: "Lovely, isn't it?" 
Bender: "Yeah, but only 93% as lovely as you."
Contess de la Roca: "Oh, Bender. Either that was a computing error, or 
you're the most romantic robot I've ever met."
_____
"Good lord. What is this?" -Fry 
 "It's the decaying ruins of old New York. Welcome home, pal!" -Bender
_____
Bender: Old New York, the city that inspired a casino in Las Vegas.
_____
Fry: Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.
_____
Fry: Mmm, the gristle in a blanket isn't half bad.
 Bender: And try one of these popsicle sticks. They've 
   absorbed quite a bit of flavor.
_____
Leela: Your face can take a lot of punishment. That's good to know. 
 Fry: There's a lot about my face you don't know.
_____
Mom's son: "Hell hath no fury like the vast robot armies of a woman
scorned."
_____
Hermes: "I miss my wife and my oxygen." 
Professor Farnsworth: "Yes, we all miss our loved ones and gases."
_____
Professor: "Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log onto AOL, and
it just went through. Whee! We're online."
_____
Human female: "And so with two weeks left in the campaign, the question 
 on everyone's mind is, who will be the president of Earth? 
 Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson. 
 Two terrific candidates, Morbo?" 
Morbo: "All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo." 
Human female: "In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan 
 today, where titanium mine collapsed, trapping one thousand 
 robot workers. Unless something is done quickly the trapped 
 robots will be dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue 
 operations are planned?" 
Mine spokesman: "The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with 
 our lives." 
Morbo: "The news of mine's closing sent titanium prices sky 
 rocketing."
_____
Got protoplasm?
_____
Bender: "You know the secret of traditional robot cooking? Start with a good
high-quality oil, then eat it."
_____
Janitor: Oh, marmalade!
_____
Professor: Oh, dear. She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot. 
   Well, that's love for you.
_____
Professor Farnsworth: "Oh my, that steamed carrot was a bit spicy for me."
_____
Leela: Hold Still, I don't have good depth perception!
_____
Leela: "Where were you at 10pm last night?" 
Professor Farnsworth: "Where am I now?"
_____
Professor: Anywho, your net suits will let you experience Fry's 
 worm-infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them. 
 Zoidberg: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like.
_____
Handcrafters: New hands in about an hour
 Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break them in tonight.
_____
Leela: You guys distract the were-car, and I'll kill it by plugging its 
   exhaust pipe with this silver potato.
_____
Bender: "In the event of an emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation
device."
_____
"C'mon guys. Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999...again." -Fry 
 "I'm gonna drink 'till I reboot." -Bender
_____
Edna: "Teach me to love you, squishy poet from beyond the stars." 
Fry: "I'm flattered, really. If I was gonna do it with a big freaky mud bug,
 you'd be way up the list."
_____
One of Bender's kids: Our dad is a giant toy!
_____
Bender: "Blackmail's such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it
sound cool."
_____
Bender: I finally meet a nice girl with a pair of legs 
   that don't quite unexpectedly...
_____
Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter
_____
"I don't get it. Who was this Ted Danson, and why would you pay $10,000 for
his skeleton?" -Leela
_____
"Who would have though hell would really exist? And that it would be in New
Jersey?" -Leela 
"Actually..." - Fry
_____
Fry: What are we going to do? 
 Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery. 
 Amy: No, let's buy internet stock.
 Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
 Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible.
 Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
 Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party!
 Everyone: Yeah!
_____
Leela: Oh no, there's no exhaust pipe.
   Project Satan: That's right. Thanks to Ed Begley Jr.'s electric motor, the 
   most evil propulsion system ever conceived!
_____
"Ahhh! We're gonna die! Right?" -Fry 
 "Right." -Bender 
 "Ahhh!" -Fry
_____
Hermes to Bender: "What did you get her, you mushy gizmo?"
_____
Hermes: "Hail, Atlanta."
_____
Zoidberg: Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough to be thrown back!
_____
Leela: You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever.
_____
Bender: "Oh my God, I'm so excited I wish I could wet my pants."
_____
Leela: Oh no, there's no exhaust pipe.
   Project Satan: That's right. Thanks to Ed Begley Jr.'s electric motor, the 
   most evil propulsion system ever conceived!
_____
Bender: This is the Brooklyn-bound B train making local stops at wherever 
 the hell I feel like, watch for the closing doors.
_____
Professor: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it.
_____
Bender: Oh, Lord, I'm on the verge of a nervous melt-down.
_____
Worm Mayor: One day you'll be eating a fast-food burger and BOOM, 
 you'll be crawling with us again. Ever wonder what makes 
 special sauce so special? Yo.
_____
Earth Army Recruiting Center: What are you, chicken? Buk buk buk!
_____
(talking to the Beastie Boys) 
Fry: Wow. I love you guys. Back in the 20th century, I had all five of
 your albums.
Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven. 
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones. And a couple of blank tapes?
_____
Zoidberg: That's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid for lunch to 
 discuss my Hollywood dream. The next time you see me, don't
 be surprised if I've eaten.
_____
"Who would have though hell would really exist? And that it would be in New
Jersey?" -Leela 
"Actually..." - Fry
_____
Bender: He's gay. 
Leela: How do you know? 
Bender: I have this thing called gaydar.
_____
Futurama is brought to you by Thompson's Teeth, the 
only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth.
_____
"I love every living creature." -Leela 
"Even me?" -Fry 
"As a friend." -Leela
_____
Calculon: I'm programmed to be very busy.
_____
Professor: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it.
_____
"Y'know, Zap, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I
realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But 
 now I realize that outside that child is just a big pompous buffoon."
-Leela
_____
"Bachelor Chow. Now with flavor." -announcer
_____
Bender: "Hey, guess what you're accessories to?"
_____
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical 
 standpoint.
_____
Leela: Bender's flying too low! And he's upside-down! 
 Protestor: He must be talking on a cell-phone.
_____
Fan: "Aha ha, fan beats man."
_____
Professor: Anywho, your net suits will let you experience Fry's 
 worm-infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them. 
 Zoidberg: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like.
_____
Hermes to Bender: "What did you get her, you mushy gizmo?"
_____
Fry: I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me? 
 Leela: Oh, lots of reasons.
_____
Alcazar: "Leela, this must all be very confusing." 
Leela: "A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it."
_____
"If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo."
-Professor
_____
Professor: "A toast to Leela. She showed us it's wrong to eat certain
things."
_____
Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?
_____
Applied Cryogenics: It seems to work OK.
_____
Bender: OK, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals.
_____
"Eureka!" -Professor 
 "Did you build the Smell-o-scope?" -Fry 
 "No. I remembered that I built one last year." -Professor
_____
Zapp: The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongey and bruised.
_____
"Trespassers, eh?" -farmer 
 "No, sir. We're amusement park patrons." -Fry 
 "Oooh, that's a wicked sinful place. Tilt-a-whirl's okay, but the rest is
mighty wicked." -farmer
_____
Fry: "Maybe he has a parasite." 
Hermes: "Maybe he is a parasite."
_____
Bender: Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard. I'll kill you! 
   Fry: I'll kill you too, buddy, I'll kill you too.
_____
Fry: Mmm, the gristle in a blanket isn't half bad.
 Bender: And try one of these popsicle sticks. They've 
   absorbed quite a bit of flavor.
_____
Bender: Hey! What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one
 hooker.
_____
Amy: "What about Umbrielle?" 
Fry: "Well, it turned out I loved her, but I wasn't in love with her." 
Amy: "Trouble in bed."
_____
Farnsworth: Oh no! I should do something....but i am already in my pajamas.
_____
"Finally, I have a good claw! See? Three human females, a number, and
a king giving himself brain surgery!"
 --Zoidberg, on the ideal poker hand
_____
"This is a great, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus. Heh heh."
-Fry 
 "I don't get it." -Leela 
 "I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid
joke once and for all." -Professor 
 "Oh. What's it called now?" -Fry 
 "Urectum." -Professor
_____
Fatbot: "I heard that in one single night you drank a whole keg, streaked across
campus, and crammed fifty-eight humans into a phone booth."
Bender: "Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were children...."
_____
"Bender, I don't care whether you have money. I love you for your artificial
intelligence and your sincerity simulator."
 -Countess de la Roca
_____
Fry: Leela, there's nothing wrong with anything.
_____
Professor: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp 
    and their tweet tweet splat.
_____
"Look at that five o'clock rust. You've been up all night not drinking,
haven't you?" -Leela
_____
"Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone's going to jump out of
it, make sure to put them in after you cook it." 
 -Leela
_____
"Are you all right?" -Leela 
"Ah, it's nothing a a law suit won't cure." -Bender
_____
Human female: "And so with two weeks left in the campaign, the question 
 on everyone's mind is, who will be the president of Earth? 
 Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson. 
 Two terrific candidates, Morbo?" 
Morbo: "All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo." 
Human female: "In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan 
 today, where titanium mine collapsed, trapping one thousand 
 robot workers. Unless something is done quickly the trapped 
 robots will be dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue 
 operations are planned?" 
Mine spokesman: "The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with 
 our lives." 
Morbo: "The news of mine's closing sent titanium prices sky 
 rocketing."
_____
Handcrafters: New hands in about an hour
 Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break them in tonight.
_____
"Didn't you have ads in the twentieth century?" -Leela 
 "Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio...and in
magazines...and movies, and at ballgames, and on buses, and 
 milk cartons, and T-shirts, and bananas, and written in the sky. But not in
dreams, no sirree." -Fry
_____
"He's an animal. He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus on one of those
tiny tricycles. Now that's entertainment." -Fry
_____
"Eureka!" -Professor 
 "Did you build the Smell-o-scope?" -Fry 
 "No. I remembered that I built one last year." -Professor
_____
"Good news, everyone." -Professor 
 "Uh oh. I don't like the sound of that." -Bender 
 "You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisaw." -Professor 
 "Here it comes." -Bender 
 "A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the forbidden zone."
-Professor 
 "Thank you, and goodnight." -Bender
_____
Amy: "What about Umbrielle?" 
Fry: "Well, it turned out I loved her, but I wasn't in love with her." 
Amy: "Trouble in bed."
_____
"You're vegetarians! Who cares what you do?"
 --Leela
_____
"But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault
line between this mass of coffee grounds and this 
 deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor 
 "In theory, it could work." -General 
 "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a
mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom 
 "Aw, jeez." -Bender
_____
"This is turning into one very sexy struggle for the human race."
 -Zapp Brannigan
_____
Bender: "Hey, guess what you're accessories to?"
_____
Leela: "He's crude and gross and he treats me like a slave." 
Fry: "Then dump his one-eyed ass."
_____
Bender: Oh no! Not the magnet!
_____
"Y'know, Zap, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I
realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But 
 now I realize that outside that child is just a big pompous buffoon."
-Leela
_____
"Take it off or else I break it off." -Leela, with Fry's arm around her
_____
Bender: "In the event of an emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation
device."
_____
"But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault
line between this mass of coffee grounds and this 
 deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor 
 "In theory, it could work." -General 
 "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a
mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom 
 "Aw, jeez." -Bender
_____
"Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get
out and see the real world." -Leela 
"But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world." -Fry 
"Everyone's too polite to say anything, but you're covered with bed sores."
	-Leela 
"Not covered." -Fry
_____
Professor: Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave.
_____
Professor: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp 
    and their tweet tweet splat.
_____
Fry: I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be 
   chopped up into a patty. 
 Judge Whitey: Ah, the sixty-seventh ammendment.
_____
Fry: I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having disks crammed 
 into me... unless they're Oreos, and then only in the mouth.
_____
Michelle: You should be chief.
 Fry: What do I need, ulcers?
_____
Leela: "Where were you at 10pm last night?" 
Professor Farnsworth: "Where am I now?"
_____
Niblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in 
   order to wipe out all thought in the universe. 
 Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.
_____
Handcrafters: New hands in about an hour
 Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break them in tonight.
_____
"All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo!"
 --Morbo
_____
Professor: "Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log onto AOL, and
it just went through. Whee! We're online."
_____
Professor: Perhaps it's your outlook that need a good bend, a ninety 
 degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
_____
"Leela, perhaps this is an awkward time, but if things don't work out with
this pipsqueak here, I just want you to know I'll be there to score you on
the rebound." -Zapp
_____
Bubblegum: Bender, you can talk trash, you can handle the ball, 
 but look in your heart and ask yourself: are you funky
 enough to be a Globe Trotter? Are you?
 Bender: Yes.
 Bubblegum: Are you? 
 Bender: I mean, with time, my funk level could... 
 Bubblegum: Are you?!
 Bender: No. 
 Bubblegum: Deal with it.
_____
Bender: Well I don't have anything else planned for today, let's get drunk!
_____
Bender: If it ain't black and white, peck, scratch and bite.
_____
Adelai: A package is just a box until it's delivered.
_____
Leela: And nappster says illegal copies never hurt anybody.
_____
Professor: I knew I should have shown him "Electro-Gonnorhea, the Noisy Killer."
_____
Leela: "If you could change form, why didn't you change it in the one place
that counts?"
_____
Leela: "Well, it's a type M planet, so it should at least have
Roddenberries."
_____
"Eureka!" -Professor 
 "Did you build the Smell-o-scope?" -Fry 
 "No. I remembered that I built one last year." -Professor
_____
Bender: Well I don't have anything else planned for today, let's get drunk!
_____
Bender: "Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending."
_____
Fry: So, there's an infinite number of parallel universes?
 Professor: No, just the two.
 Fry: Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough.
_____
Leela: You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever.
_____
"Leela, perhaps this is an awkward time, but if things don't work out with
this pipsqueak here, I just want you to know I'll be there to score you on
the rebound." -Zapp
_____
Bender: "Is he dumb or just ugly?"
_____
Bender to Zoidberg: "You're looking less nuts, crabby."
_____
Fry: I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having disks crammed 
 into me... unless they're Oreos, and then only in the mouth.
_____
"I love every living creature." -Leela 
"Even me?" -Fry 
"As a friend." -Leela
_____
Amy: Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual.
_____
"I'm never gonna get used to the thirty-first century. Caffeinated bacon?
Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?" -Fry 
 "Well if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula." -Leela
_____
"From this day forth, Robot House is on dodecatuple secret probation." -Dean
Vernon
_____
Professor: "Good news. There's a report on TV with some very bad news."
_____
Pop a Poppler in your mouth 
When you come to Fishy Joe's 
What they're made of is a mystery 
Where they come from no one knows 
You can pick 'em you can lick 'em you can chew 'em you can stick 'em 
If you promise not to sue us you can shove one up your nose.
_____
Fatbot: "I heard that in one single night you drank a whole keg, streaked across
campus, and crammed fifty-eight humans into a phone booth."
Bender: "Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were children...."
_____
Leela: I guess you never really outgrow being an eyeball... oddball.
_____
Henry Kissinger: Young man, you have the bravery of a hero and breath 
 as fresh as a summer ham.
_____
"As a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman,
I'll be over Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure." -Zapp
_____
"Eureka!" -Professor 
 "Did you build the Smell-o-scope?" -Fry 
 "No. I remembered that I built one last year." -Professor
_____
Officers' club: We don't know but we've been told, our beer on tap is 
 mighty cold.
_____
Leela: Bender's flying too low! And he's upside-down! 
 Protestor: He must be talking on a cell-phone.
_____
Fry: "Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. Yes?" 
Zoidberg: "Is the desire to mate a feeling?"
_____
"In case you were wondering, that was just for Zapp." 
	-Leela, after kissing Fry
_____
Tonight's special, blackened blackened leftovers
_____
"Who was that guy?" -Fry 
 "Your momma! Now shut up and drag me to work." -Bender
_____
Bender: "Hey, guess what you're accessories to?"
_____
Leela: "He's crude and gross and he treats me like a slave." 
Fry: "Then dump his one-eyed ass."
_____
"I learned how to handle delicate social situations from a little show
called 'Three's Company.'" -Fry
_____
"And so, on behalf of the entire city, I thank you Professor Farnsworth. I
now present you with the Academy Prize, which we 
 confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a
jackass." -Mayor
_____
Henry Kissinger: Young man, you have the bravery of a hero and breath 
 as fresh as a summer ham.
_____
Zapp: Now that's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes.
_____
Fry: "Very impressive. Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a
university on Mars."
Prof. Farnsworth: "Well in those days Mars was just a dreary uninhabitable 
wasteland... much like Utah. But unlike Utah, it was eventually made livable,
when the university was founded in 2636."
Leela: "They planted traditional college foliage: ivy, trees, hemp...."
_____
Professor: I've been a Harold Zoid fan since back when my 
   hips were made of bone.
_____
Marv Albert: He's really showing us what a man with a cannon 
   in his chest can do.
_____
Applied Cryogenics: It seems to work OK.
_____
Professor: Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave.
_____
Professor: While you were gone the Trotters held a news conference 
   to announce that I was a jive sucker.
_____
Leela: That aerosal head spray makes your antenna smell nice... 
 Bender: Thank you.
 Leela: ...but it's doing long-term damage to the planet.
 Bender: So? It's not like it's the only one we've got.
_____
Michelle: You should be chief.
 Fry: What do I need, ulcers?
_____
Professor: "If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, you can bet I won't be
out of loop."
_____
Professor: While you were gone the Trotters held a news conference 
   to announce that I was a jive sucker.
_____
Champion Pet Show Today 
 Kids: See Toucan Sam's death mask
_____
Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.
_____
"This is Vergon 6." -Professor 
 "Bah." -Amy 
 It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little
doomed animals." -Professor
_____
Oscar Party 
 No losers admitted
_____
"Bender, we didn't mind your drinking or your cleptomania or your
pornography ring." -Leela 
 "In fact, that's why we love you." -Zoidberg
_____
Roberto: Geez, I've seen lines move faster in a sperm bank.
_____
Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Okay, so you're nonchalant, stop rubbing our noses in it.
_____
Zoidberg: So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out 
   of patients' bodies....
_____
Bender: "Argh. The laws of science be a harsh mistress."
_____
Bender: "Blackmail's such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it
sound cool."
_____
Leela: Is there some way to keep them from breeding?
 Paul: Cold showers don't work on Antarctic creatures.
_____
Professor: This is gonna be one hell of a bowel movement. Afterwards, 
he'll be lucky if he has any bones left.
_____
"Eureka!" -Professor 
 "Did you build the Smell-o-scope?" -Fry 
 "No. I remembered that I built one last year." -Professor
_____
Bender: Oh... your... God.
_____
Fry: How did I get Leela to love me? I've got to figure it out. 
 Hermes: Maybe you're just a fantastic lover, Fry. 
 Amy: No.
_____
"And Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt as well. Were it not for your
twentieth century garbage-making skills, we'd all be 
 buried under twentieth century garbage." -Mayor
_____
Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us 
   aren't normal. And that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg. He's 
   a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.
 Zoidberg: Damn right. 
 Fry: And the professor's a senile amoral crackpot.
 Professor: Oyeeaii. (waves) 
 Fry: Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
 Hermes: Tally me banana.
 Fry: Amy is a klutz from Mars.
 Amy: Whoops. (drops her glass)
 Professor: And Fry, you've got that brain thing.
 Fry: I already did!
_____
Human female: "And so with two weeks left in the campaign, the question 
 on everyone's mind is, who will be the president of Earth? 
 Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson. 
 Two terrific candidates, Morbo?" 
Morbo: "All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo." 
Human female: "In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan 
 today, where titanium mine collapsed, trapping one thousand 
 robot workers. Unless something is done quickly the trapped 
 robots will be dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue 
 operations are planned?" 
Mine spokesman: "The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with 
 our lives." 
Morbo: "The news of mine's closing sent titanium prices sky 
 rocketing."
_____
"I'm never gonna get used to the thirty-first century. Caffeinated bacon?
Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?" -Fry 
 "Well if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula." -Leela
_____
Morbo: "Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human 
 number one, puny human number two and Morbo's good friend 
 Richard Nixon." 
Nixon: "Hello Morbo. How's the family?" 
Morbo: "Belligerent and numerous." 
Nixon: "Good man, Nixon's pro-war and pro-family."
_____
Professor: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp 
    and their tweet tweet splat.
_____
Amy: "Bender, your beer belly's so big your door won't even close. And that
 doesn't even make sense."
_____
Leela: "Oh my God, we're heading straight into a black hole!" 
Fry: "Talk about a mood killer."
_____
Give a hoot-o 
 Don't pollute Pluto
_____
Leela: Well, goodnight. I'm gonna go make my dinners for the next month 
   and freeze them.
_____
Bender: Pardon me, brother. Care to donate to the anti-mugging you fund?
 Leela: We don't need to beg, Bender. For God's sake, we're not veterans.
_____
Fry: Have you ever been in love?
 Worm Mayor: No, I thought I was once, but then I remembered our 
 species reproduces with a cloud of spores.
_____
Robot Nite - Designated device drivers drink free
_____
Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter
_____
"And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place
where I too hope one day to go: the toilet." 
	-Prof. Farnsworth
_____
Leela: You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever.
_____
Professor: "Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth."
_____
"So.. humans have easily injured knees. My race will find this
information very useful indeed. Mwahwahahahaha!"
 --Morbo
_____
"You're vegetarians! Who cares what you do?"
 --Leela
_____
Professor Farnsworth: "He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for
ocean rudeness."
_____
Professor: The tanker has six-thousand hulls, so, unlike me, 
   it's entirely leak-proof.
_____
Professor: Perhaps it's your outlook that need a good bend, a ninety 
 degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
_____
"I never told anybody this, but a thousand years ago I used to look up at
the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just 
 didn't have the grades, or the physical endurance, plus I threw up a lot,
and nobody liked spending a week with me." -Fry
_____
"Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated
type." -Leela
_____
Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange
   wax in my ears.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "It funny because it's poisonous." 
Fry: "Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp."
_____
Hermes: "Hail, Atlanta."
_____
Leela: "Well, it's a type M planet, so it should at least have
Roddenberries."
_____
Lucy Liu: That was incredible, Bender. You're like Jackie Chan 
   before he got all doughy.
_____
"Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh." -Fry 
"Well, it's a Fox affiliate." -TV worker guy 
"What are you showing right now?" -Fry 
"'Single Female Lawyer.' It's the season finale. Wanna watch?" -TV worker
guy 
"I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World's
Blankiest Blank." -Fry 
"She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt." -TV worker guy 
"I'm in." -Fry
_____
Fry: Leela, Bender, we're going grave-robbing.
 Bender: I'll get my kit!
_____
Bubblegum: Good lord, that sucker's shakin' around like 
   some fine imported booty.
_____
Professor Farnsworth: "He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for
ocean rudeness."
_____
"Good news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the
virus planet." -Professor 
 "Why can't they go today?" 
 "Because tonight's a special night, and I want all of you to be alive."
-Professor
_____
Fry: Whoah. Check out that guy. He makes Speedy Gonzales look like 
 Regular Gonzalez.
_____
Old robot: I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.
_____
"I'm never gonna get used to the thirty-first century. Caffeinated bacon?
Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?" -Fry 
 "Well if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula." -Leela
_____
Cop: "He's making a break for it. Get him!" 
Fry: "No, no, I was just picking my nose." 
Cop: "He's picking his nose. Get him!"
_____
Bender: "You know the secret of traditional robot cooking? Start with a good
high-quality oil, then eat it."
_____
Zoidberg: So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out 
   of patients' bodies....
_____
Fry: What are we going to do? 
 Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery. 
 Amy: No, let's buy internet stock.
 Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
 Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible.
 Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
 Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party!
 Everyone: Yeah!
_____
"Please select mode of death: quick and painless or slow and horrible."
 "Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call." -Fry 
 "You have selected slow and horrible." -Automated voice 
 "Great choice." -Bender
_____
Professor: Perhaps it's your outlook that need a good bend, a ninety 
 degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
_____
Cubert: "Robots are very good at keeping secrets." 
Bender: "No, we're not, you little bed-wetter. Oops, I'm sorry."
_____
Hermes: Dating your ex, Fry? Have you lost all self-respect?
 Fry: All what?
_____
"What am I gonna do?" -Fry 
 "We've got to get the emperor out of your body before they kill you." -Amy 
 "Relax, Fry, I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge separating
out the denser fluid of his highness." 
 "Won't that crush my bones?" -Fry 
 "Oh, right, right, with the bones. I always forget about the bones."
_____
Leela: "Oh my God, we're heading straight into a black hole!" 
Fry: "Talk about a mood killer."
_____
Professor: Dirt doesn't need luck.
_____
Human female: "And so with two weeks left in the campaign, the question 
 on everyone's mind is, who will be the president of Earth? 
 Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson. 
 Two terrific candidates, Morbo?" 
Morbo: "All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo." 
Human female: "In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan 
 today, where titanium mine collapsed, trapping one thousand 
 robot workers. Unless something is done quickly the trapped 
 robots will be dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue 
 operations are planned?" 
Mine spokesman: "The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with 
 our lives." 
Morbo: "The news of mine's closing sent titanium prices sky 
 rocketing."
_____
"C'mon, it's just like making love. Y'know, left, down, rotate sixty-two
degrees, engage rotors...." -Bender
_____
"Aw, poor baby, chipped a fang." -Leela 
"Hey, I got a busted ass here! I don't see anyone kissing it." -Bender 
"All right, I'm coming." -Zoidberg
_____
Fry: "Hey, my girlfriend had one of those. Actually, it wasn't her's, it was
her dad's. Actually, she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and 
never closed her curtains." 
Leela: "Fry, remember what I told you about always ending your stories a
sentence earlier?"
_____
Human female: "The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to 
 it's highest level in centuries, six percent." 
Morbo: "Exit poll show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing with 
 estimated zero votes." 
Human female: "The time is 7:59 and the robot polls are now opening. And 
 robot votes are now in. Nixon has won." 
Morbo: "Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death 
 come quickly to his enemies."
_____
Amy: "Way to go, Professor, the plan worked." 
Mom: "Plan? What plan? I thought this was a spontaneous whirlwind of hot dry
sex."
_____
Champion Pet Show Today 
 Kids: See Toucan Sam's death mask
_____
"Planet Express: our crew is replaceable, your package isn't." -Advertisement
_____
Zoidberg: "Hooray, I'm useful. I'm having a wonderful time."
_____
Bender: A woman like that you gotta romance first!
_____
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical 
 standpoint.
_____
"From this day forth, Robot House is on dodecatuple secret probation." -Dean
Vernon
_____
Human female: "And so with two weeks left in the campaign, the question 
 on everyone's mind is, who will be the president of Earth? 
 Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson. 
 Two terrific candidates, Morbo?" 
Morbo: "All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo." 
Human female: "In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan 
 today, where titanium mine collapsed, trapping one thousand 
 robot workers. Unless something is done quickly the trapped 
 robots will be dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue 
 operations are planned?" 
Mine spokesman: "The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with 
 our lives." 
Morbo: "The news of mine's closing sent titanium prices sky 
 rocketing."
_____
Human female: "All in all. This is one day that mitten the kitten will not 
 soon forget."
Morbo: "Kittens give Morbo gas. In later news the city of New New 
 York is doomed. Blame rests with known human professor Hubert 
 Farnsworth and his tiny inferior brain."
_____
Fry: "Maybe he has a parasite." 
Hermes: "Maybe he is a parasite."
_____
"But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault
line between this mass of coffee grounds and this 
 deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor 
 "In theory, it could work." -General 
 "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a
mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom 
 "Aw, jeez." -Bender
_____
Hermes: "Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams
things."
_____
Fry: Augh, I am so unlucky. I've run over black cats that were luckier than me.
_____
Leela: That aerosal head spray makes your antenna smell nice... 
 Bender: Thank you.
 Leela: ...but it's doing long-term damage to the planet.
 Bender: So? It's not like it's the only one we've got.
_____
HAL Institute for Criminally Insane Robots
_____
Zapp: You win again, gravity!
_____
"I betcha Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye." -Fry 
 "That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes
and poke one out." -Bender 
 "Yeah, that'd be a timesaver." -Fry
_____
"Please don't hit me! I'm brittle!"
 --Zoidberg
_____
Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you 
   take it all and I say enough!
_____
"C'mon guys. Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999...again." -Fry 
 "I'm gonna drink 'till I reboot." -Bender
_____
Fry: Nowadays people aren't interested in art that's not tattooed on fat guys.
_____
"Wait a second, aren't you a member of the yacht club?" -Bender 
"My God, you're right. I'm a class 3 yacht." -Countess de la Roca
_____
"You're vegetarians! Who cares what you do?"
 --Leela
_____
Morbo: "Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human 
 number one, puny human number two and Morbo's good friend 
 Richard Nixon." 
Nixon: "Hello Morbo. How's the family?" 
Morbo: "Belligerent and numerous." 
Nixon: "Good man, Nixon's pro-war and pro-family."
_____
"All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo!"
 --Morbo
_____
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
_____
"And so, on behalf of the entire city, I thank you Professor Farnsworth. I
now present you with the Academy Prize, which we 
 confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a
jackass." -Mayor
_____
Fry: "Hey, you guys, the most amazing thing happened, it's two-for-one
Tuesday at Krispy Kreme! Plus there's mermaids."
_____
Professor Nerdstrom: Sit. I said sit! Bad fish!
_____
"Good lord. What is this?" -Fry 
 "It's the decaying ruins of old New York. Welcome home, pal!" -Bender
_____
nappster.com: Download any celebrity from A.A. Milne to Z.Z. Top
_____
"But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault
line between this mass of coffee grounds and this 
 deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor 
 "In theory, it could work." -General 
 "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a
mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom 
 "Aw, jeez." -Bender
_____
"He's an animal. He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus on one of those
tiny tricycles. Now that's entertainment." -Fry
_____
Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.
_____
"This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in... if he were a
fiddler crab." -Fry
_____
Bender: Pardon me, brother. Care to donate to the anti-mugging you fund?
 Leela: We don't need to beg, Bender. For God's sake, we're not veterans.
_____
"But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault
line between this mass of coffee grounds and this 
 deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor 
 "In theory, it could work." -General 
 "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a
mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom 
 "Aw, jeez." -Bender
_____
Hermes: "Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams
things."
_____
"In case you were wondering, that was just for Zapp." 
	-Leela, after kissing Fry
_____
"Trespassers, eh?" -farmer 
 "No, sir. We're amusement park patrons." -Fry 
 "Oooh, that's a wicked sinful place. Tilt-a-whirl's okay, but the rest is
mighty wicked." -farmer
_____
Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter
_____
"And so, on behalf of the entire city, I thank you Professor Farnsworth. I
now present you with the Academy Prize, which we 
 confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a
jackass." -Mayor
_____
"Listen, Bender, where's your bathroom?" -Fry 
 "Bath what?" -Bender 
 "Bathroom." -Fry 
 "What room?" -Bender 
 "Bathroom!" -Fry 
 "What what?" Bender 
 "Ah, nevermind." -Fry
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Talk to the claw."
Bender: "Bite my collosal metal ass."
_____
Zoidberg: That's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid for lunch to 
 discuss my Hollywood dream. The next time you see me, don't
 be surprised if I've eaten.
_____
Leela: Bender's flying too low! And he's upside-down! 
 Protestor: He must be talking on a cell-phone.
_____
Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
_____
"The point is, you shouldn't eat things that feel pain." *BONK!* "Ow!"
"Okay, we won't eat you!"
 --hippie & Bender
_____
Bender: I finally meet a nice girl with a pair of legs 
   that don't quite unexpectedly...
_____
"I'm gonna be a famous hero just like Neil Armstrong and those other brave
guys no one ever heard of." -Fry
_____
Bender: That probulator sure knows how to please a man.
_____
Farnsworth: Oh no! I should do something....but i am already in my pajamas.
_____
Bender: I can't keep running people over. I'm not famous enough 
   to get away with it.
_____
"Look at that five o'clock rust. You've been up all night not drinking,
haven't you?" -Leela
_____
Amy: Worms? Ew, pukatronic!
_____
Bender: "Hey, guess what you're accessories to?"
_____
Leela: Now strip naked and get on the probulator.
_____
Alcazar: "Leela, this must all be very confusing." 
Leela: "A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it."
_____
Loew's Qaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater
_____
"This is Vergon 6." -Professor 
 "Bah." -Amy 
 It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little
doomed animals." -Professor
_____
Bender: Hey! What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one
 hooker.
_____
Bender: "Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending."
_____
Bender: "Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending."
_____
Zapp: She's built like a steak house but she handles like a bistro.
_____
"It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows: at the end of
the episode, everything's always right back to normal." -Fry
_____
Amy: "Way to go, Professor, the plan worked." 
Mom: "Plan? What plan? I thought this was a spontaneous whirlwind of hot dry
sex."
_____
"What am I gonna do?" -Fry 
 "We've got to get the emperor out of your body before they kill you." -Amy 
 "Relax, Fry, I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge separating
out the denser fluid of his highness." 
 "Won't that crush my bones?" -Fry 
 "Oh, right, right, with the bones. I always forget about the bones."
_____
"Look, it's our nebula. Whenever I see it I'll think back to when we
almost..." (nebula gets sucked into the black hole) 
"Oop. Nevermind." -Fry
_____
If food is not reasonably clean, return uneaten portion for partial refund
_____
Leela: "Where were you at 10pm last night?" 
Professor Farnsworth: "Where am I now?"
_____
Edna: "Excuse me, I've got to powder my mouth flaps."
_____
War over! Balls thoroughly licked.
_____
Calculon: I'm programmed to be very busy.
_____
Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange
   wax in my ears.
_____
Bender: Well I don't have anything else planned for today, let's get drunk!
_____
Bender: I get a good vibe from this place. Nice long dinner table, 
   quiet well-behaved spiders, graveyards adjacent....
_____
Fry: So, there's an infinite number of parallel universes?
 Professor: No, just the two.
 Fry: Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough.
_____
"This is turning into one very sexy struggle for the human race."
 -Zapp Brannigan
_____
Morbo: "Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human 
 number one, puny human number two and Morbo's good friend 
 Richard Nixon." 
Nixon: "Hello Morbo. How's the family?" 
Morbo: "Belligerent and numerous." 
Nixon: "Good man, Nixon's pro-war and pro-family."
_____
Bender to Zoidberg: "You're looking less nuts, crabby."
_____
"Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone's going to jump out of
it, make sure to put them in after you cook it." 
 -Leela
_____
Officers' club: We don't know but we've been told, our beer on tap is 
 mighty cold.
_____
Bubblegum: Good lord, that sucker's shakin' around like 
   some fine imported booty.
_____
Amy: Worms? Ew, pukatronic!
_____
"From this day forth, Robot House is on dodecatuple secret probation." -Dean
Vernon
_____
Earth men are real men!
_____
Michelle: I can't find a vanishing cream that doesn't make me actually vanish.
_____
La Brea Tar Pits
 As seen on the tar channel
_____
Bender: "Argh. The laws of science be a harsh mistress."
_____
Bob Barker: "Which one of these lovely womanoids will take home atomic tiara?"
_____
"This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in... if he were a
fiddler crab." -Fry
_____
Robot Nite - Designated device drivers drink free
_____
Zoidberg: So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out 
   of patients' bodies....
_____
Cubert: "Robots are very good at keeping secrets." 
Bender: "No, we're not, you little bed-wetter. Oops, I'm sorry."
_____
Fry: "Hey, professor, what are you teaching this semester?"
Prof. Farnsworth: "Same thing I teach every semester, the mathematics of 
quantum nutrino fields. I made up the title so that no student would 
dare take it."
Fry: "Mathematics of wonton burrito meals...." 
Prof. Farnsworth: "Please, Fry, I don't know how to teach. I'm a professor."
_____
"This is an outrage! I demand to know what happened to the plucky lawyer and
her compellingly short garments." -alien
_____
Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.
_____
"Hurry up! I wanna see the moon." -Fry 
 "Relax. It's open 'till nine." -Leela
_____
Bender: Life is hilariously cruel.
_____
Cops: I'm going to get 24th Century on his ass!
_____
"And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place
where I too hope one day to go: the toilet." 
	-Prof. Farnsworth
_____
Earth Army Recruiting Center: What are you, chicken? Buk buk buk!
_____
Leela: Is there some way to keep them from breeding?
 Paul: Cold showers don't work on Antarctic creatures.
_____
Amy: Aw, he looks like a little insane drunken angel.
_____
Cop: "He's making a break for it. Get him!" 
Fry: "No, no, I was just picking my nose." 
Cop: "He's picking his nose. Get him!"
_____
"As a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman,
I'll be over Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure." -Zapp
_____
Bender: "You know the secret of traditional robot cooking? Start with a good
high-quality oil, then eat it."
_____
Fry: Nowadays people aren't interested in art that's not tattooed on fat guys.
_____
Awards ceremony in progress 
 No pooping
_____
Bubblegum: Good lord, that sucker's shakin' around like 
   some fine imported booty.
_____
Cop: You're under arrest for child cruelty, child endangerment, depriving 
 children of food, selling children as food, and misrepresenting 
 the weight of livestock.
_____
Fry: "Hey, my girlfriend had one of those. Actually, it wasn't her's, it was
her dad's. Actually, she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and 
never closed her curtains." 
Leela: "Fry, remember what I told you about always ending your stories a
sentence earlier?"
_____
Robot Nite - Designated device drivers drink free
_____
"It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows: at the end of
the episode, everything's always right back to normal." -Fry
_____
Fry: "Maybe he has a parasite." 
Hermes: "Maybe he is a parasite."
_____
Professor: Oh, dear. She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot. 
   Well, that's love for you.
_____
Bob Barker: "Which one of these lovely womanoids will take home atomic tiara?"
_____
Janitor: Oh, marmalade!
_____
Professor: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp 
    and their tweet tweet splat.
_____
Professor: Dirt doesn't need luck.
_____
(talking to the Beastie Boys) 
Fry: Wow. I love you guys. Back in the 20th century, I had all five of
 your albums.
Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven. 
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones. And a couple of blank tapes?
_____
Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
_____
Amy: Aw, he looks like a little insane drunken angel.
_____
Professor: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp 
    and their tweet tweet splat.
_____
Amy: Worms? Ew, pukatronic!
_____
Earth men are real men!
_____
Paul: It seems dark-matter is nature's sex drug. It's like a perverted 
 trail mix of penguin estrogen, penguine Viagra and Spanish penguin fly.
_____
Paul: It seems dark-matter is nature's sex drug. It's like a perverted 
 trail mix of penguin estrogen, penguine Viagra and Spanish penguin fly.
_____
Fry: Mmm, the gristle in a blanket isn't half bad.
 Bender: And try one of these popsicle sticks. They've 
   absorbed quite a bit of flavor.
_____
Bender: "Is he dumb or just ugly?"
_____
Bender: "One of you will have to fill in for me while I'm gone." 
Professor Farnsworth: "Better yet, I'll build someone to fill in for you.
Some kind of gamma-powered mechanical monsters with 
freeway on-ramps for arms and a heart as black as coal..."
_____
Edna: "Excuse me, I've got to powder my mouth flaps."
_____
Bender: Oh, Lord, I'm on the verge of a nervous melt-down.
_____
"I refuse to fight! I'm a concientious objector." -Bender 
"A what?" -Fry 
"You know, a coward." -Bender
_____
Pop a Poppler in your mouth 
When you come to Fishy Joe's 
What they're made of is a mystery 
Where they come from no one knows 
You can pick 'em you can lick 'em you can chew 'em you can stick 'em 
If you promise not to sue us you can shove one up your nose.
_____
Bender: Oh no! Not the magnet!
_____
Tonight's special, blackened leftovers
_____
Leela: And nappster says illegal copies never hurt anybody.
_____
Brannigan: You'll be negotiating with the aliens' mysterious leaders, the 
 Brain Balls. They've got a lot of brains, and they've got a lot of chutzpah.
_____
Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.
_____
Bender: I get a good vibe from this place. Nice long dinner table, 
   quiet well-behaved spiders, graveyards adjacent....
_____
Oscar Party 
 No losers admitted
_____
Bender: Yeah, well I'm gonna build my own lunar space lander! 
 With blackjack aaaaannd Hookers! Actually, forget the space 
 lander, and the blackjack. Ahhhh forget the whole thing!
_____
Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's 
 court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.
_____
"Trespassers, eh?" -farmer 
 "No, sir. We're amusement park patrons." -Fry 
 "Oooh, that's a wicked sinful place. Tilt-a-whirl's okay, but the rest is
mighty wicked." -farmer
_____
"I heard one time you single-handedly defeated a hoard of rampaging of
somethings in the something something system." -Fry
_____
"Please select mode of death: quick and painless or slow and horrible."
 "Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call." -Fry 
 "You have selected slow and horrible." -Automated voice 
 "Great choice." -Bender
_____
Futurama is brought to you by Thompson's Teeth, the 
only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth.
_____
Bender: "Oh my God, I'm so excited I wish I could wet my pants."
_____
Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and 
 possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
_____
Leela: I guess you never really outgrow being an eyeball... oddball.
_____
Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!
_____
Hermes: "Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams
things."
_____
Hermes to Bender: "What did you get her, you mushy gizmo?"
_____
"Lightspeed briefs: style and comfort for the discriminating crotch."
-announcer
_____
Niblonian 1: You must tell him to disable it. We will do the rest.
 Leela: You can count on me! 
 Niblonian 1: No we can't. Once on Earth, you will be too stupid 
   to remember the message.
 Niblonian 2: That's why we wrote it down. 
 Niblonian 3: We've also prepared a bag lunch and some mittens.
_____
Bender: "In the event of an emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation
device."
_____
Fry: Have you ever been in love?
 Worm Mayor: No, I thought I was once, but then I remembered our 
 species reproduces with a cloud of spores.
_____
Robot Nite - Designated device drivers drink free
_____
Fry: That clover helped my rat-fink brother steal my dream of going into 
   space. Now I'll never get there. 
 Leela: You went there this morning for donuts.
_____
"He's an animal. He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus on one of those
tiny tricycles. Now that's entertainment." -Fry
_____
Fry: "Do you have anything else for him?"
Contess de la Roca: "Lovely, isn't it?" 
Bender: "Yeah, but only 93% as lovely as you."
Contess de la Roca: "Oh, Bender. Either that was a computing error, or 
you're the most romantic robot I've ever met."
_____
Bender: I finally meet a nice girl with a pair of legs 
   that don't quite unexpectedly...
_____
"The point is, you shouldn't eat things that feel pain." *BONK!* "Ow!"
"Okay, we won't eat you!"
 --hippie & Bender
_____
Niblonian 1: You must tell him to disable it. We will do the rest.
 Leela: You can count on me! 
 Niblonian 1: No we can't. Once on Earth, you will be too stupid 
   to remember the message.
 Niblonian 2: That's why we wrote it down. 
 Niblonian 3: We've also prepared a bag lunch and some mittens.
_____
Worm Mayor: One day you'll be eating a fast-food burger and BOOM, 
 you'll be crawling with us again. Ever wonder what makes 
 special sauce so special? Yo.
_____
Human female: "Next, New New York in crisis. Morbo?" 
Morbo: "Thanks, human female. Puny Earthlings were shocked today 
 to learn that a ball of garbage will destroy their pathetic
 city of New New York."
Human female: "Makes me glad that we live here in Los Angeles."
Morbo: "Morbo agrees."
_____
Zoidberg: Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough to be thrown back!
_____
Fry: "Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. Yes?" 
Zoidberg: "Is the desire to mate a feeling?"
_____
Bob Barker: "Which one of these lovely womanoids will take home atomic tiara?"
_____
Fry: I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me? 
 Leela: Oh, lots of reasons.
_____
"I don't care how many eyes a man has... as long as it's less than five."
-Leela
_____
Fry: I want to see the edge of the universe.
 Amy: Ooh, that sounds cool. 
 Zoidberg: It's funny. You live in the universe by you 
  never do these things 'til someone comes to visit.
_____
"I heard one time you single-handedly defeated a hoard of rampaging of
somethings in the something something system." -Fry
_____
Leela: "Where were you at 10pm last night?" 
Professor Farnsworth: "Where am I now?"
_____
Human female: "And so with two weeks left in the campaign, the question 
 on everyone's mind is, who will be the president of Earth? 
 Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson. 
 Two terrific candidates, Morbo?" 
Morbo: "All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo." 
Human female: "In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan 
 today, where titanium mine collapsed, trapping one thousand 
 robot workers. Unless something is done quickly the trapped 
 robots will be dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue 
 operations are planned?" 
Mine spokesman: "The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with 
 our lives." 
Morbo: "The news of mine's closing sent titanium prices sky 
 rocketing."
_____
Professor: Oh, dear. She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot. 
   Well, that's love for you.
_____
"Good lord. What is this?" -Fry 
 "It's the decaying ruins of old New York. Welcome home, pal!" -Bender
_____
Marv Albert: He's really showing us what a man with a cannon 
   in his chest can do.
_____
Leela: Bender's flying too low! And he's upside-down! 
 Protestor: He must be talking on a cell-phone.
_____
Were-Bender: Oh boy, I feel like a car in a candy store.
_____
Officers' club: We don't know but we've been told, our beer on tap is 
 mighty cold.
_____
Leela: Your face can take a lot of punishment. That's good to know. 
 Fry: There's a lot about my face you don't know.
_____
"It was nice of you to let me reattach your arm."
 --Zoidber
_____
Leela: That aerosal head spray makes your antenna smell nice... 
 Bender: Thank you.
 Leela: ...but it's doing long-term damage to the planet.
 Bender: So? It's not like it's the only one we've got.
_____
Hermes: "Hail, Atlanta."
_____
The boss: "Get a load of ball bearings on this guy."
_____
Amy: "Way to go, Professor, the plan worked." 
Mom: "Plan? What plan? I thought this was a spontaneous whirlwind of hot dry
sex."
_____
Fry: Lucy Liu-bot, if I don't survive the corn, I want you to know that I 
 love you as much as a man can love a computerized image of a gorgeous 
 celebrity, which it turns out is a lot.
_____
Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his 
   humanity the way only a woman can. 
 Professor: You're going to do his laundry?
_____
"But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault
line between this mass of coffee grounds and this 
 deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor 
 "In theory, it could work." -General 
 "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a
mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom 
 "Aw, jeez." -Bender
_____
Amy: "What about Umbrielle?" 
Fry: "Well, it turned out I loved her, but I wasn't in love with her." 
Amy: "Trouble in bed."
_____
Leela: Oh, Adelai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared 
 at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me 
 feel so not weird.
_____
Professor: "The thought of caressing that leathery hide makes the tapioca
rise in my gullet" 
Fry: "Professor, please, the fate of the world depends on you getting to
second base with Mom." 
Professor: "Very well, if cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall."
_____
Fry: I want to see the edge of the universe.
 Amy: Ooh, that sounds cool. 
 Zoidberg: It's funny. You live in the universe by you 
  never do these things 'til someone comes to visit.
_____
Human female: "Next, New New York in crisis. Morbo?" 
Morbo: "Thanks, human female. Puny Earthlings were shocked today 
 to learn that a ball of garbage will destroy their pathetic
 city of New New York."
Human female: "Makes me glad that we live here in Los Angeles."
Morbo: "Morbo agrees."
_____
One of Bender's kids: Our dad is a giant toy!
_____
Bender: "Argh. The laws of science be a harsh mistress."
_____
(talking to the Beastie Boys) 
Fry: Wow. I love you guys. Back in the 20th century, I had all five of
 your albums.
Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven. 
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones. And a couple of blank tapes?
_____
Worm Mayor: One day you'll be eating a fast-food burger and BOOM, 
 you'll be crawling with us again. Ever wonder what makes 
 special sauce so special? Yo.
_____
Niblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in 
   order to wipe out all thought in the universe. 
 Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.
_____
"Who was that guy?" -Fry 
 "Your momma! Now shut up and drag me to work." -Bender
_____
Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!
_____
Bender: If it ain't black and white, peck, scratch and bite.
_____
Hermes: "The poor demented honky."
_____
Farnsworth: Oh no! I should do something....but i am already in my pajamas.
_____
Professor: "Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth."
_____
"I love every living creature." -Leela 
"Even me?" -Fry 
"As a friend." -Leela
_____
Bender: OK, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals.
_____
Bender: Hey! What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one
 hooker.
_____
nappster.com: Download any celebrity from A.A. Milne to Z.Z. Top
_____
Bender: He's a witch!
_____
"Oh my god, you knocked Fox off the air!" -TV worker guy 
"Like anyone on earth cares." -Fry
_____
"It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows: at the end of
the episode, everything's always right back to normal." -Fry
_____
Leela: Well, goodnight. I'm gonna go make my dinners for the next month 
   and freeze them.
_____
Alcazar: "Leela, this must all be very confusing." 
Leela: "A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it."
_____
Handcrafters: New hands in about an hour
 Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break them in tonight.
_____
"That's one small step for Fry..." -Fry 
 "...and one giant line for admission." -stranger in line
_____
Calculon: I'm programmed to be very busy.
_____
Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!
_____
Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you 
   take it all and I say enough!
_____
Fry: It's like a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up.
_____
"From this day forth, Robot House is on dodecatuple secret probation." -Dean
Vernon
_____
Bender: Fry, of all the friends I've had, you're the first.
_____
Fry: Whoah. Check out that guy. He makes Speedy Gonzales look like 
 Regular Gonzalez.
_____
Fry: You gotta help me, Bender. How can I prove I'm human?
 Bender: You could drop dead. That'd show 'em. 
 Fry: I don't wanna.
_____
Leela: Bender's flying too low! And he's upside-down! 
 Protestor: He must be talking on a cell-phone.
_____
Leela: That aerosal head spray makes your antenna smell nice... 
 Bender: Thank you.
 Leela: ...but it's doing long-term damage to the planet.
 Bender: So? It's not like it's the only one we've got.
_____
Bender: Stay away from our women. You got metal fever, baby, metal fever!
_____
"Trespassers, eh?" -farmer 
 "No, sir. We're amusement park patrons." -Fry 
 "Oooh, that's a wicked sinful place. Tilt-a-whirl's okay, but the rest is
mighty wicked." -farmer
_____
Fry: It's like a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up.
_____
Professor: Ouch! That's going to bleed when my heart beats.
_____
Fan: "Aha ha, fan beats man."
_____
Professor: "If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, you can bet I won't be
out of loop."
_____
Lucy Liu: That was incredible, Bender. You're like Jackie Chan 
   before he got all doughy.
_____
Fry: How did I get Leela to love me? I've got to figure it out. 
 Hermes: Maybe you're just a fantastic lover, Fry. 
 Amy: No.
_____
Human female: "All in all. This is one day that mitten the kitten will not 
 soon forget."
Morbo: "Kittens give Morbo gas. In later news the city of New New 
 York is doomed. Blame rests with known human professor Hubert 
 Farnsworth and his tiny inferior brain."
_____
Leela: I guess you never really outgrow being an eyeball... oddball.
_____
Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!
_____
Were-Bender: Oh boy, I feel like a car in a candy store.
_____
Edna: "Teach me to love you, squishy poet from beyond the stars." 
Fry: "I'm flattered, really. If I was gonna do it with a big freaky mud bug,
 you'd be way up the list."
_____
Leela: Well, someone's in a good mode.
_____
Michelle: You expect me to live in a tiny little hole?
 Fry: It'd be deeper, but I'm standing on a gopher.
_____
"From this day forth, Robot House is on dodecatuple secret probation." -Dean
Vernon
_____
Calculon: I was all of history's great acting robots: Acting Unit 0.8, 
   Thespo-mat, David Duchovny!
_____
Human female: "The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to 
 it's highest level in centuries, six percent." 
Morbo: "Exit poll show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing with 
 estimated zero votes." 
Human female: "The time is 7:59 and the robot polls are now opening. And 
 robot votes are now in. Nixon has won." 
Morbo: "Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death 
 come quickly to his enemies."
_____
"Are you all right?" -Leela 
"Ah, it's nothing a a law suit won't cure." -Bender
_____
Calculon: An Oscar, you say? That would get me out of this festering 
   rats' nest called television once and for all.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Help! A guinea pig tricked me."
_____
Bender: "In the event of an emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation
device."
_____
Fry: I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be 
   chopped up into a patty. 
 Judge Whitey: Ah, the sixty-seventh ammendment.
_____
"Please select mode of death: quick and painless or slow and horrible."
 "Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call." -Fry 
 "You have selected slow and horrible." -Automated voice 
 "Great choice." -Bender
_____
One of Bender's kids: Can we have Bender burgers again? 
 Bender: No, the cat shelter's onto me.
_____
Amy: "Way to go, Professor, the plan worked." 
Mom: "Plan? What plan? I thought this was a spontaneous whirlwind of hot dry
sex."
_____
Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's 
 court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.
_____
Bender: "Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending."
_____
"I never told anybody this, but a thousand years ago I used to look up at
the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just 
 didn't have the grades, or the physical endurance, plus I threw up a lot,
and nobody liked spending a week with me." -Fry
_____
Alcazar: "Leela, this must all be very confusing." 
Leela: "A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it."
_____
Leela: Bender's flying too low! And he's upside-down! 
 Protestor: He must be talking on a cell-phone.
_____
Worm Mayor: One day you'll be eating a fast-food burger and BOOM, 
 you'll be crawling with us again. Ever wonder what makes 
 special sauce so special? Yo.
_____
Fry: "Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. Yes?" 
Zoidberg: "Is the desire to mate a feeling?"
_____
Robot priest: And so we commend Vladimir's remains to the earth: 
   filings to filings, rust to rust.
_____
Bender: Life is hilariously cruel.
_____
Michelle: You expect me to live in a tiny little hole?
 Fry: It'd be deeper, but I'm standing on a gopher.
_____
Bender: "Tell the Donbot I'm quitting organized crime. From now on I'll stick
to the regular kind."
_____
Professor: Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave.
_____
Hermes to Bender: "What did you get her, you mushy gizmo?"
_____
Fry: I've only got two fantasies left: to be invisible in a 
chocolate factory, and to be romantically linked to a  celebrity.
 Bender: I could pound your head 'til you think that's what happened.
 Fry: Okay.
_____
"Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get
out and see the real world." -Leela 
"But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world." -Fry 
"Everyone's too polite to say anything, but you're covered with bed sores."
	-Leela 
"Not covered." -Fry
_____
"Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get
out and see the real world." -Leela 
"But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world." -Fry 
"Everyone's too polite to say anything, but you're covered with bed sores."
	-Leela 
"Not covered." -Fry
_____
"Hey, sexy mama. Wanna kill all the humans?" -Bender
_____
Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter
_____
Niblonian 1: You must tell him to disable it. We will do the rest.
 Leela: You can count on me! 
 Niblonian 1: No we can't. Once on Earth, you will be too stupid 
   to remember the message.
 Niblonian 2: That's why we wrote it down. 
 Niblonian 3: We've also prepared a bag lunch and some mittens.
_____
Leela: "It's amazing that your people can fall in love so fast." 
Zoidberg: "Love? That word is unknown here. I'm simply looking for a female
 swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material." 
Fry: "You and me both, brother."
_____
Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange
   wax in my ears.
_____
Zapp: Now that's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes.
_____
Leela: I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again you screwed 
 up. Now all the planets are gonna start crackin' wise about our mommas. 
 Hermes: I'm just glad my fat ugly momma isn't alive to see this day.
_____
Bubblegum: Bender, you can talk trash, you can handle the ball, 
 but look in your heart and ask yourself: are you funky
 enough to be a Globe Trotter? Are you?
 Bender: Yes.
 Bubblegum: Are you? 
 Bender: I mean, with time, my funk level could... 
 Bubblegum: Are you?!
 Bender: No. 
 Bubblegum: Deal with it.
_____
Bender: Life is hilariously cruel.
_____
Professor: "Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log onto AOL, and
it just went through. Whee! We're online."
_____
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical 
 standpoint.
_____
Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter
_____
Bender: Well I don't have anything else planned for today, let's get drunk!
_____
Fry: Whoah. Check out that guy. He makes Speedy Gonzales look like 
 Regular Gonzalez.
_____
Human female: "Next, New New York in crisis. Morbo?" 
Morbo: "Thanks, human female. Puny Earthlings were shocked today 
 to learn that a ball of garbage will destroy their pathetic
 city of New New York."
Human female: "Makes me glad that we live here in Los Angeles."
Morbo: "Morbo agrees."
_____
Bender: Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard. I'll kill you! 
   Fry: I'll kill you too, buddy, I'll kill you too.
_____
Fry: "Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. Yes?" 
Zoidberg: "Is the desire to mate a feeling?"
_____
"I might have liked Zap Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw
me in prison." -Leela "You really are too picky." 
 -Bender
_____
"Face it, Fry, baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie. That's why they
jazzed it up." -Leela 
 "Boring? Baseball wasn't...hmmm, so they finally jazzed it up." -Fry
_____
Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his 
   humanity the way only a woman can. 
 Professor: You're going to do his laundry?
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Look at me! I'm Dr. Zoidberg, home-owner!"
_____
Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange
   wax in my ears.
_____
Give a hoot-o 
 Don't pollute Pluto
_____
Fry: Mmm, the gristle in a blanket isn't half bad.
 Bender: And try one of these popsicle sticks. They've 
   absorbed quite a bit of flavor.
_____
Edna: "Excuse me, I've got to powder my mouth flaps."
_____
Leela: "He's crude and gross and he treats me like a slave." 
Fry: "Then dump his one-eyed ass."
_____
Zapp: You win again, gravity!
_____
Leela: Ah, maybe they're right, maybe Nibbler is dumb.
 Fry: Don't listen to them, Leela. People said I was dumb but I proved them!
_____
"I'm gonna be a science fiction hero, just like Uhura, or Captain Janeway,
or Xena!" -Fry 
"Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life. Can't you tell the difference?" -Leela 
"Sure, I just like TV better." -Fry
_____
Zapp: There's only one surefire way back into a woman's heart and 
  parts beyond. I speak, of course, of Karaoke.
_____
Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's 
 court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.
_____
Henry Kissinger: Young man, you have the bravery of a hero and breath 
 as fresh as a summer ham.
_____
Leela: "There it is, the near-death star."
_____
Lucy Liu: That was incredible, Bender. You're like Jackie Chan 
   before he got all doughy.
_____
Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his 
   humanity the way only a woman can. 
 Professor: You're going to do his laundry?
_____
"Why don't you just come move in with me?" -Bender 
 "Really? That would be great! You sure I won't be imposing?" -Fry 
 "Nah. I've always wanted a pet." -Bender
_____
Bender: Oh, Lord, I'm on the verge of a nervous melt-down.
_____
Fan: "Aha ha, fan beats man."
_____
Fry: "They're great! They're like sex except I'm having them."
_____
"I learned how to handle delicate social situations from a little show
called 'Three's Company.'" -Fry
_____
"Lightspeed briefs: style and comfort for the discriminating crotch."
-announcer
_____
"Please select mode of death: quick and painless or slow and horrible."
 "Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call." -Fry 
 "You have selected slow and horrible." -Automated voice 
 "Great choice." -Bender
_____
Fry: Where's Captain Bender? Off catastrophizing some other planet?
_____
Applied Cryogenics: It seems to work OK.
_____
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
_____
"Hurry up! I wanna see the moon." -Fry 
 "Relax. It's open 'till nine." -Leela
_____
Leela: And nappster says illegal copies never hurt anybody.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Help! A guinea pig tricked me."
_____
"I'm a fraud - a poor, lazy, sexy fraud." -Bender
_____
Adelai: A package is just a box until it's delivered.
_____
Bender: Pardon me, brother. Care to donate to the anti-mugging you fund?
 Leela: We don't need to beg, Bender. For God's sake, we're not veterans.
_____
nappster.com: Download any celebrity from A.A. Milne to Z.Z. Top
_____
Adelai: A package is just a box until it's delivered.
_____
Michelle: I can't find a vanishing cream that doesn't make me actually vanish.
_____
Lucy Liu: That was incredible, Bender. You're like Jackie Chan 
   before he got all doughy.
_____
Amy: "Bender, your beer belly's so big your door won't even close. And that
 doesn't even make sense."
_____
Alcazar: "Leela, this must all be very confusing." 
Leela: "A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it."
_____
Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!
_____
"Didn't you have ads in the twentieth century?" -Leela 
 "Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio...and in
magazines...and movies, and at ballgames, and on buses, and 
 milk cartons, and T-shirts, and bananas, and written in the sky. But not in
dreams, no sirree." -Fry
_____
Leela: "Great. We're two days from earth with no food." 
Bender: "Problem solved. You two fight to the death and I'll cook the
loser."
_____
Futurama is brought to you by Thompson's Teeth, the 
only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth.
_____
Professor: Superstitious robot mumbo jumbo.   
   Old robot: Mumbo, perhaps, jumbo, perhaps not.
_____
"Hey, sexy mama. Wanna kill all the humans?" -Bender
_____
Alcazar: "I hope you don't think less of me becuase I live in a giant
castle."
_____
Fry: Nowadays people aren't interested in art that's not tattooed on fat guys.
_____
Fry: "Hey, you guys, the most amazing thing happened, it's two-for-one
Tuesday at Krispy Kreme! Plus there's mermaids."
_____
Fry: That clover helped my rat-fink brother steal my dream of going into 
   space. Now I'll never get there. 
 Leela: You went there this morning for donuts.
_____
Professor: Superstitious robot mumbo jumbo.   
   Old robot: Mumbo, perhaps, jumbo, perhaps not.
_____
Niblonian 1: You must tell him to disable it. We will do the rest.
 Leela: You can count on me! 
 Niblonian 1: No we can't. Once on Earth, you will be too stupid 
   to remember the message.
 Niblonian 2: That's why we wrote it down. 
 Niblonian 3: We've also prepared a bag lunch and some mittens.
_____
Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his 
   humanity the way only a woman can. 
 Professor: You're going to do his laundry?
_____
"Trespassers, eh?" -farmer 
 "No, sir. We're amusement park patrons." -Fry 
 "Oooh, that's a wicked sinful place. Tilt-a-whirl's okay, but the rest is
mighty wicked." -farmer
_____
Old robot: I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.
_____
HAL Institute for Criminally Insane Robots
_____
Morbo: "Morbo demands an answer to the following question. If you saw 
 a delicious candy in the hands of a small child. Would you 
 seize and consume it?" 
John Jackson: "Unthinkable."
Jack Johnson: "I wouldn't think of it." 
Morbo: "What about you Mr. Nixon? I remind you. You are under of a 
 truth-o-scope."
Nixon: "Question is vague. You don't say what kind of candy and 
 whether anyone is watching. In anyway I certainly wouldn't
 harm the child."
_____
"And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place
where I too hope one day to go: the toilet." 
	-Prof. Farnsworth
_____
Alcazar: "I hope you don't think less of me becuase I live in a giant
castle."
_____
Fan: "Aha ha, fan beats man."
_____
Fry: "Do you have anything else for him?"
Contess de la Roca: "Lovely, isn't it?" 
Bender: "Yeah, but only 93% as lovely as you."
Contess de la Roca: "Oh, Bender. Either that was a computing error, or 
you're the most romantic robot I've ever met."
_____
Bender: "Aw, I think I got whiplash." 
Leela: "You can't have whiplash, you don't have a neck." 
Bender: "I meant ass whiplash."
_____
Leela: "Are you real, or am I seeing single?" 
Alcazar: "Ow. Of course I'm real." 
Leela: "After all this time, somebody else with one eye who isn't a clumsy
carpenter or a kid with a BB gun."
_____
Hermes: "I miss my wife and my oxygen." 
Professor Farnsworth: "Yes, we all miss our loved ones and gases."
_____
"Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh." -Fry 
"Well, it's a Fox affiliate." -TV worker guy 
"What are you showing right now?" -Fry 
"'Single Female Lawyer.' It's the season finale. Wanna watch?" -TV worker
guy 
"I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World's
Blankiest Blank." -Fry 
"She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt." -TV worker guy 
"I'm in." -Fry
_____
Professor: "Good news. There's a report on TV with some very bad news."
_____
Fry: Whoah. Check out that guy. He makes Speedy Gonzales look like 
 Regular Gonzalez.
_____
Bender: Fry, of all the friends I've had, you're the first.
_____
Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you 
   take it all and I say enough!
_____
Henry Kissinger: Young man, you have the bravery of a hero and breath 
 as fresh as a summer ham.
_____
Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and 
 possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
_____
"I refuse to fight! I'm a concientious objector." -Bender 
"A what?" -Fry 
"You know, a coward." -Bender
_____
Fry: "They're great! They're like sex except I'm having them."
_____
Bender: "I came here with a simple dream, a dream of killing all humans."
_____
"Ahhh! We're gonna die! Right?" -Fry 
 "Right." -Bender 
 "Ahhh!" -Fry
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "It funny because it's poisonous." 
Fry: "Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp."
_____
Bender: I can't keep running people over. I'm not famous enough 
   to get away with it.
_____
"You're vegetarians! Who cares what you do?"
 --Leela
_____
Zapp: "Why'd you open your bong-hole, you smelly hippie? You'd sacrifice a
beautiful woman to save a moderately attractive 
monkey? You must have smoked some bad granola."
_____
Michelle: You expect me to live in a tiny little hole?
 Fry: It'd be deeper, but I'm standing on a gopher.
_____
"I don't care how many eyes a man has... as long as it's less than five."
-Leela
_____
Hermes: "Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams
things."
_____
Fry: What's with the eye?
_____
"This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in... if he were a
fiddler crab." -Fry
_____
Fry: What are we going to do? 
 Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery. 
 Amy: No, let's buy internet stock.
 Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
 Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible.
 Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
 Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party!
 Everyone: Yeah!
_____
Leela: Is there some way to keep them from breeding?
 Paul: Cold showers don't work on Antarctic creatures.
_____
Professor: "The thought of caressing that leathery hide makes the tapioca
rise in my gullet" 
Fry: "Professor, please, the fate of the world depends on you getting to
second base with Mom." 
Professor: "Very well, if cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall."
_____
Bender to Zoidberg: "You're looking less nuts, crabby."
_____
Leela: "There it is, the near-death star."
_____
Tonight's special, blackened leftovers
_____
Niblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in 
   order to wipe out all thought in the universe. 
 Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.
_____
"Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone's going to jump out of
it, make sure to put them in after you cook it." 
 -Leela
_____
"Leela, perhaps this is an awkward time, but if things don't work out with
this pipsqueak here, I just want you to know I'll be there to score you on
the rebound." -Zapp
_____
Fry: "Well, thanks to the internet I'm now bored with sex. Is ther a place
on the web that panders to my lust for violence?" 
Bender: "Is the space-pope reptilian?"
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "It funny because it's poisonous." 
Fry: "Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp."
_____
Bender: "Aw, I think I got whiplash." 
Leela: "You can't have whiplash, you don't have a neck." 
Bender: "I meant ass whiplash."
_____
"This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in... if he were a
fiddler crab." -Fry
_____
"As a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman,
I'll be over Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure." -Zapp
_____
Old robot: I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.
_____
Henry Kissinger: Young man, you have the bravery of a hero and breath 
 as fresh as a summer ham.
_____
Applied Cryogenics: It seems to work OK.
_____
"This is an outrage! I demand to know what happened to the plucky lawyer and
her compellingly short garments." -alien
_____
"Hurry up! I wanna see the moon." -Fry 
 "Relax. It's open 'till nine." -Leela
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "It funny because it's poisonous." 
Fry: "Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp."
_____
"Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh." -Fry 
"Well, it's a Fox affiliate." -TV worker guy 
"What are you showing right now?" -Fry 
"'Single Female Lawyer.' It's the season finale. Wanna watch?" -TV worker
guy 
"I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World's
Blankiest Blank." -Fry 
"She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt." -TV worker guy 
"I'm in." -Fry
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Talk to the claw."
Bender: "Bite my collosal metal ass."
_____
Bubblegum: Bender, you can talk trash, you can handle the ball, 
 but look in your heart and ask yourself: are you funky
 enough to be a Globe Trotter? Are you?
 Bender: Yes.
 Bubblegum: Are you? 
 Bender: I mean, with time, my funk level could... 
 Bubblegum: Are you?!
 Bender: No. 
 Bubblegum: Deal with it.
_____
Leela: "Are you real, or am I seeing single?" 
Alcazar: "Ow. Of course I'm real." 
Leela: "After all this time, somebody else with one eye who isn't a clumsy
carpenter or a kid with a BB gun."
_____
La Brea Tar Pits
 As seen on the tar channel
_____
Bender: "I came here with a simple dream, a dream of killing all humans."
_____
Old robot: I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.
_____
Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!
_____
Professor: Superstitious robot mumbo jumbo.   
   Old robot: Mumbo, perhaps, jumbo, perhaps not.
_____
Star Tours
 Note: bus does not leave earth
_____
Professor: While you were gone the Trotters held a news conference 
   to announce that I was a jive sucker.
_____
Amy: Aw, he looks like a little insane drunken angel.
_____
Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his 
   humanity the way only a woman can. 
 Professor: You're going to do his laundry?
_____
Niblonian 1: You must tell him to disable it. We will do the rest.
 Leela: You can count on me! 
 Niblonian 1: No we can't. Once on Earth, you will be too stupid 
   to remember the message.
 Niblonian 2: That's why we wrote it down. 
 Niblonian 3: We've also prepared a bag lunch and some mittens.
_____
Professor: Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good 
 captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender 
 is perfect for the job.
 Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.
_____
Fry: How did I get Leela to love me? I've got to figure it out. 
 Hermes: Maybe you're just a fantastic lover, Fry. 
 Amy: No.
_____
Zoidberg: That's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid for lunch to 
 discuss my Hollywood dream. The next time you see me, don't
 be surprised if I've eaten.
_____
Tonight's special, blackened blackened leftovers
_____
Leela: You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever.
_____
Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!
_____
"Who would have though hell would really exist? And that it would be in New
Jersey?" -Leela 
"Actually..." - Fry
_____
Bender: I can't keep running people over. I'm not famous enough 
   to get away with it.
_____
Fry: "Do you have anything else for him?"
Contess de la Roca: "Lovely, isn't it?" 
Bender: "Yeah, but only 93% as lovely as you."
Contess de la Roca: "Oh, Bender. Either that was a computing error, or 
you're the most romantic robot I've ever met."
_____
Officers' club: We don't know but we've been told, our beer on tap is 
 mighty cold.
_____
"And so, on behalf of the entire city, I thank you Professor Farnsworth. I
now present you with the Academy Prize, which we 
 confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a
jackass." -Mayor
_____
Al Gore to Fry: "You fool! You foolish fool!"
_____
Fry: What are we going to do? 
 Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery. 
 Amy: No, let's buy internet stock.
 Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
 Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible.
 Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
 Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party!
 Everyone: Yeah!
_____
"Who was that guy?" -Fry 
 "Your momma! Now shut up and drag me to work." -Bender
_____
Leela: Oh, Adelai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared 
 at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me 
 feel so not weird.
_____
Leela: Zoidberg!
 Zoidberg: Sorry, you must have been boring.
_____
Bender: Pardon me, brother. Care to donate to the anti-mugging you fund?
 Leela: We don't need to beg, Bender. For God's sake, we're not veterans.
_____
Bender: He's gay. 
Leela: How do you know? 
Bender: I have this thing called gaydar.
_____
Lucy Liu: That was incredible, Bender. You're like Jackie Chan 
   before he got all doughy.
_____
Morbo: "Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human 
 number one, puny human number two and Morbo's good friend 
 Richard Nixon." 
Nixon: "Hello Morbo. How's the family?" 
Morbo: "Belligerent and numerous." 
Nixon: "Good man, Nixon's pro-war and pro-family."
_____
Fry: "You know what I like best about you, Umbrielle? You find me
fascinating, even when I'm not claiming to be a jewel thief 
or a lion tamer."
_____
Leela: "Great. We're two days from earth with no food." 
Bender: "Problem solved. You two fight to the death and I'll cook the
loser."
_____
"Hey! Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property!"
"You can't *own* property, man!"
"I can! That's because I'm not a penniless hippie!" 
 --Farnsworth & hippie
_____
"That's one small step for Fry..." -Fry 
 "...and one giant line for admission." -stranger in line
_____
Bender: "Hey, guess what you're accessories to?"
_____
Fry: Hey, I don't see you planning for your old age.
 Bender: I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off switch to off.
_____
Zoidberg: This letter has to be very personal, so I'm 
 	writing it in my own ink.
_____
"Wait a second, aren't you a member of the yacht club?" -Bender 
"My God, you're right. I'm a class 3 yacht." -Countess de la Roca
_____
Hermes to Bender: "What did you get her, you mushy gizmo?"
_____
"I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific fraud like global warming
or second-hand smoke." -Mayor
_____
Were-Bender: Oh boy, I feel like a car in a candy store.
_____
Professor: Ouch! That's going to bleed when my heart beats.
_____
Bender: Life is hilariously cruel.
_____
Professor: "Good news, everyone, the university is bringing me up on
disclipinary charges. Wait, that's not good news at all."
_____
Fatbot: "I heard that in one single night you drank a whole keg, streaked across
campus, and crammed fifty-eight humans into a phone booth."
Bender: "Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were children...."
_____
"This is turning into one very sexy struggle for the human race."
 -Zapp Brannigan
_____
Human female: "All in all. This is one day that mitten the kitten will not 
 soon forget."
Morbo: "Kittens give Morbo gas. In later news the city of New New 
 York is doomed. Blame rests with known human professor Hubert 
 Farnsworth and his tiny inferior brain."
_____
Fry: "Well, thanks to the internet I'm now bored with sex. Is ther a place
on the web that panders to my lust for violence?" 
Bender: "Is the space-pope reptilian?"
_____
Lucy Liu: That was incredible, Bender. You're like Jackie Chan 
   before he got all doughy.
_____
"I love every living creature." -Leela 
"Even me?" -Fry 
"As a friend." -Leela
_____
Leela: That aerosal head spray makes your antenna smell nice... 
 Bender: Thank you.
 Leela: ...but it's doing long-term damage to the planet.
 Bender: So? It's not like it's the only one we've got.
_____
Human female: "All in all. This is one day that mitten the kitten will not 
 soon forget."
Morbo: "Kittens give Morbo gas. In later news the city of New New 
 York is doomed. Blame rests with known human professor Hubert 
 Farnsworth and his tiny inferior brain."
_____
Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.
_____
"I love every living creature." -Leela 
"Even me?" -Fry 
"As a friend." -Leela
_____
Professor: The tanker has six-thousand hulls, so, unlike me, 
   it's entirely leak-proof.
_____
Robot Nite - Designated device drivers drink free
_____
"I love every living creature." -Leela 
"Even me?" -Fry 
"As a friend." -Leela
_____
"Y'know, Zap, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I
realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But 
 now I realize that outside that child is just a big pompous buffoon."
-Leela
_____
Cubert: "Robots are very good at keeping secrets." 
Bender: "No, we're not, you little bed-wetter. Oops, I'm sorry."
_____
Computer: "Leela, you've got mail. It's not spam!"
_____
Fry: Mmm, the gristle in a blanket isn't half bad.
 Bender: And try one of these popsicle sticks. They've 
   absorbed quite a bit of flavor.
_____
"I don't care how many eyes a man has... as long as it's less than five."
-Leela
_____
Human female: "All in all. This is one day that mitten the kitten will not 
 soon forget."
Morbo: "Kittens give Morbo gas. In later news the city of New New 
 York is doomed. Blame rests with known human professor Hubert 
 Farnsworth and his tiny inferior brain."
_____
Bender: Yeah, well I'm gonna build my own lunar space lander! 
 With blackjack aaaaannd Hookers! Actually, forget the space 
 lander, and the blackjack. Ahhhh forget the whole thing!
_____
Bender: "Is he dumb or just ugly?"
_____
"Y'know, Zap, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I
realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But 
 now I realize that outside that child is just a big pompous buffoon."
-Leela
_____
Professor Farnsworth: "He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for
ocean rudeness."
_____
Hermes: Dating your ex, Fry? Have you lost all self-respect?
 Fry: All what?
_____
Leela: "Great. We're two days from earth with no food." 
Bender: "Problem solved. You two fight to the death and I'll cook the
loser."
_____
"I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific fraud like global warming
or second-hand smoke." -Mayor
_____
"Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone's going to jump out of
it, make sure to put them in after you cook it." 
 -Leela
_____
The boss: "Get a load of ball bearings on this guy."
_____
Zoidberg: This letter has to be very personal, so I'm 
 	writing it in my own ink.
_____
Professor: Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good 
 captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender 
 is perfect for the job.
 Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.
_____
Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?
_____
Hermes: "Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams
things."
_____
"Please don't hit me! I'm brittle!"
 --Zoidberg
_____
Fry: "Do you have anything else for him?"
Contess de la Roca: "Lovely, isn't it?" 
Bender: "Yeah, but only 93% as lovely as you."
Contess de la Roca: "Oh, Bender. Either that was a computing error, or 
you're the most romantic robot I've ever met."
_____
Leela: I guess you never really outgrow being an eyeball... oddball.
_____
"I never told anybody this, but a thousand years ago I used to look up at
the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just 
 didn't have the grades, or the physical endurance, plus I threw up a lot,
and nobody liked spending a week with me." -Fry
_____
Professor: This is gonna be one hell of a bowel movement. Afterwards, 
he'll be lucky if he has any bones left.
_____
"I never told anybody this, but a thousand years ago I used to look up at
the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just 
 didn't have the grades, or the physical endurance, plus I threw up a lot,
and nobody liked spending a week with me." -Fry
_____
Professor Nerdstrom: Sit. I said sit! Bad fish!
_____
Niblonian 1: You must tell him to disable it. We will do the rest.
 Leela: You can count on me! 
 Niblonian 1: No we can't. Once on Earth, you will be too stupid 
   to remember the message.
 Niblonian 2: That's why we wrote it down. 
 Niblonian 3: We've also prepared a bag lunch and some mittens.
_____
Fry: Hey, I don't see you planning for your old age.
 Bender: I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off switch to off.
_____
"Hey, I'm startin' to get the hang of this game. The blerns are loaded. The
count's three blerns and two anti-blerns, and the 
 infield blern rule is in effect. Right?" -Fry 
 "Other than the word blern, that was complete gibberish." -Leela
_____
Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you 
   take it all and I say enough!
_____
"I heard one time you single-handedly defeated a hoard of rampaging of
somethings in the something something system." -Fry
_____
Leela: "It's amazing that your people can fall in love so fast." 
Zoidberg: "Love? That word is unknown here. I'm simply looking for a female
 swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material." 
Fry: "You and me both, brother."
_____
"I'm gonna go build my own theme park... with blackjack and hookers! In
fact, forget the park!" -Bender
_____
Fry: So, there's an infinite number of parallel universes?
 Professor: No, just the two.
 Fry: Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough.
_____
Professor: Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave.
_____
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are 
 you jacking on in there?
_____
Bender: I don't know why, but when I look down at their little faces 
 it makes me want to puke... in a good way.
_____
Applied Cryogenics: It seems to work OK.
_____
Old robot: What are ye doing? 
   Bender: We're whaling on the original were-car, which is you, you jerk.   
   Old robot: Ye think me be he? 
   Bender: Si.   
   Old robot: Nee. I mean, no.
_____
Earth Army Recruiting Center: What are you, chicken? Buk buk buk!
_____
"Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh." -Fry 
"Well, it's a Fox affiliate." -TV worker guy 
"What are you showing right now?" -Fry 
"'Single Female Lawyer.' It's the season finale. Wanna watch?" -TV worker
guy 
"I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World's
Blankiest Blank." -Fry 
"She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt." -TV worker guy 
"I'm in." -Fry
_____
Bubblegum: Good lord, that sucker's shakin' around like 
   some fine imported booty.
_____
Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot?
 Professor: No. Why would I know that?
_____
War over! Balls thoroughly licked.
_____
Fry: Augh, I am so unlucky. I've run over black cats that were luckier than me.
_____
Professor: "Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth."
_____
"I refuse to fight! I'm a concientious objector." -Bender 
"A what?" -Fry 
"You know, a coward." -Bender
_____
Leela: "Where were you at 10pm last night?" 
Professor Farnsworth: "Where am I now?"
_____
"I betcha Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye." -Fry 
 "That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes
and poke one out." -Bender 
 "Yeah, that'd be a timesaver." -Fry
_____
"Lightspeed briefs: style and comfort for the discriminating crotch."
-announcer
_____
Fry: What are we going to do? 
 Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery. 
 Amy: No, let's buy internet stock.
 Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
 Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible.
 Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
 Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party!
 Everyone: Yeah!
_____
Bender: "In the event of an emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation
device."
_____
Fry: "Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. Yes?" 
Zoidberg: "Is the desire to mate a feeling?"
_____
Zapp: You win again, gravity!
_____
Bender: Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard. I'll kill you! 
   Fry: I'll kill you too, buddy, I'll kill you too.
_____
Bender: OK, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals.
_____
"Wait a second, aren't you a member of the yacht club?" -Bender 
"My God, you're right. I'm a class 3 yacht." -Countess de la Roca
_____
"Hey! Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property!"
"You can't *own* property, man!"
"I can! That's because I'm not a penniless hippie!" 
 --Farnsworth & hippie
_____
Leela: "We've blown out one of our engines." 
Fry: "Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it... fix it, fix it, fix
it!"
_____
"I never told anybody this, but a thousand years ago I used to look up at
the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just 
 didn't have the grades, or the physical endurance, plus I threw up a lot,
and nobody liked spending a week with me." -Fry
_____
Fry: I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having disks crammed 
 into me... unless they're Oreos, and then only in the mouth.
_____
One of Bender's kids: Our dad is a giant toy!
_____
Bender: That probulator sure knows how to please a man.
_____
Old robot: I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.
_____
Bender: This is the Brooklyn-bound B train making local stops at wherever 
 the hell I feel like, watch for the closing doors.
_____
Alcazar: "Leela, this must all be very confusing." 
Leela: "A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it."
_____
Zoidberg: So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out 
   of patients' bodies....
_____
"I'm never gonna get used to the thirty-first century. Caffeinated bacon?
Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?" -Fry 
 "Well if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula." -Leela
_____
"I'm gonna be a famous hero just like Neil Armstrong and those other brave
guys no one ever heard of." -Fry
_____
"I love every living creature." -Leela 
"Even me?" -Fry 
"As a friend." -Leela
_____
Cop: "He's making a break for it. Get him!" 
Fry: "No, no, I was just picking my nose." 
Cop: "He's picking his nose. Get him!"
_____
"Please don't hit me! I'm brittle!"
 --Zoidberg
_____
Professor: Perhaps it's your outlook that need a good bend, a ninety 
 degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
_____
Bender: This is the Brooklyn-bound B train making local stops at wherever 
 the hell I feel like, watch for the closing doors.
_____
Bender: Oh... your... God.
_____
"It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows: at the end of
the episode, everything's always right back to normal." -Fry
_____
Zapp: There's only one surefire way back into a woman's heart and 
  parts beyond. I speak, of course, of Karaoke.
_____
"Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get
out and see the real world." -Leela 
"But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world." -Fry 
"Everyone's too polite to say anything, but you're covered with bed sores."
	-Leela 
"Not covered." -Fry
_____
"This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in... if he were a
fiddler crab." -Fry
_____
HAL Institute for Criminally Insane Robots
_____
Leela: Is there some way to keep them from breeding?
 Paul: Cold showers don't work on Antarctic creatures.
_____
Niblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in 
   order to wipe out all thought in the universe. 
 Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.
_____
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
_____
"Wait a second, aren't you a member of the yacht club?" -Bender 
"My God, you're right. I'm a class 3 yacht." -Countess de la Roca
_____
"In case you were wondering, that was just for Zapp." 
	-Leela, after kissing Fry
_____
Cop: You're under arrest for child cruelty, child endangerment, depriving 
 children of food, selling children as food, and misrepresenting 
 the weight of livestock.
_____
"Please don't hit me! I'm brittle!"
 --Zoidberg
_____
Janitor: Oh, marmalade!
_____
Got protoplasm?
_____
Bender: A woman like that you gotta romance first!
_____
Calculon: I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this.
_____
Leela: Hold Still, I don't have good depth perception!
_____
Leela: "Where were you at 10pm last night?" 
Professor Farnsworth: "Where am I now?"
_____
"I'm never gonna get used to the thirty-first century. Caffeinated bacon?
Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?" -Fry 
 "Well if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula." -Leela
_____
"Listen, Bender, where's your bathroom?" -Fry 
 "Bath what?" -Bender 
 "Bathroom." -Fry 
 "What room?" -Bender 
 "Bathroom!" -Fry 
 "What what?" Bender 
 "Ah, nevermind." -Fry
_____
Professor: I've been a Harold Zoid fan since back when my 
   hips were made of bone.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Look at me! I'm Dr. Zoidberg, home-owner!"
_____
"Why would a robot need to drink?" -Fry 
 "I don't need to drink, I can quit anytime I want." -Bender
_____
Fry: "Do you have anything else for him?"
Contess de la Roca: "Lovely, isn't it?" 
Bender: "Yeah, but only 93% as lovely as you."
Contess de la Roca: "Oh, Bender. Either that was a computing error, or 
you're the most romantic robot I've ever met."
_____
Tonight's special, blackened leftovers
_____
Lucy Liu: That was incredible, Bender. You're like Jackie Chan 
   before he got all doughy.
_____
"Didn't you have ads in the twentieth century?" -Leela 
 "Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio...and in
magazines...and movies, and at ballgames, and on buses, and 
 milk cartons, and T-shirts, and bananas, and written in the sky. But not in
dreams, no sirree." -Fry
_____
"Why would a robot need to drink?" -Fry 
 "I don't need to drink, I can quit anytime I want." -Bender
_____
"Aw, poor baby, chipped a fang." -Leela 
"Hey, I got a busted ass here! I don't see anyone kissing it." -Bender 
"All right, I'm coming." -Zoidberg
_____
Professor: "Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth."
_____
Janitor: Oh, marmalade!
_____
Leela: "Oh my God, we're heading straight into a black hole!" 
Fry: "Talk about a mood killer."
_____
Bender: Stay away from our women. You got metal fever, baby, metal fever!
_____
Cop: You're under arrest for child cruelty, child endangerment, depriving 
 children of food, selling children as food, and misrepresenting 
 the weight of livestock.
_____
Professor: Superstitious robot mumbo jumbo.   
   Old robot: Mumbo, perhaps, jumbo, perhaps not.
_____
Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
_____
"But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault
line between this mass of coffee grounds and this 
 deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor 
 "In theory, it could work." -General 
 "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a
mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom 
 "Aw, jeez." -Bender
_____
Leela: "Well, it's a type M planet, so it should at least have
Roddenberries."
_____
"But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault
line between this mass of coffee grounds and this 
 deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor 
 "In theory, it could work." -General 
 "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a
mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom 
 "Aw, jeez." -Bender
_____
Fry: You gotta help me, Bender. How can I prove I'm human?
 Bender: You could drop dead. That'd show 'em. 
 Fry: I don't wanna.
_____
nappster.com: Download any celebrity from A.A. Milne to Z.Z. Top
_____
Professor: Oh, dear. She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot. 
   Well, that's love for you.
_____
"Hurry up! I wanna see the moon." -Fry 
 "Relax. It's open 'till nine." -Leela
_____
La Brea Tar Pits
 As seen on the tar channel
_____
Loosely confederate colors of Benetton
_____
Bender: Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard. I'll kill you! 
   Fry: I'll kill you too, buddy, I'll kill you too.
_____
Leela: "It's amazing that your people can fall in love so fast." 
Zoidberg: "Love? That word is unknown here. I'm simply looking for a female
 swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material." 
Fry: "You and me both, brother."
_____
Al Gore to Fry: "You fool! You foolish fool!"
_____
Morbo: "Morbo demands an answer to the following question. If you saw 
 a delicious candy in the hands of a small child. Would you 
 seize and consume it?" 
John Jackson: "Unthinkable."
Jack Johnson: "I wouldn't think of it." 
Morbo: "What about you Mr. Nixon? I remind you. You are under of a 
 truth-o-scope."
Nixon: "Question is vague. You don't say what kind of candy and 
 whether anyone is watching. In anyway I certainly wouldn't
 harm the child."
_____
One of Bender's kids: Our dad is a giant toy!
_____
Bender: Old New York, the city that inspired a casino in Las Vegas.
_____
Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.
_____
Fry: Mmm, the gristle in a blanket isn't half bad.
 Bender: And try one of these popsicle sticks. They've 
   absorbed quite a bit of flavor.
_____
"I'm gonna be a famous hero just like Neil Armstrong and those other brave
guys no one ever heard of." -Fry
_____
"Good lord. What is this?" -Fry 
 "It's the decaying ruins of old New York. Welcome home, pal!" -Bender
_____
Officers' club: We don't know but we've been told, our beer on tap is 
 mighty cold.
_____
Paul: Good way to avoid frostbite, folks, put your hands between 
 your buttocks. That's nature's pocket.
_____
"I'm a fraud - a poor, lazy, sexy fraud." -Bender
_____
Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and 
 possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
_____
Leela: Oh, Adelai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared 
 at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me 
 feel so not weird.
_____
Bender: I finally meet a nice girl with a pair of legs 
   that don't quite unexpectedly...
_____
Leela: "Well, it's a type M planet, so it should at least have
Roddenberries."
_____
Professor: Ouch! That's going to bleed when my heart beats.
_____
Leela: You guys distract the were-car, and I'll kill it by plugging its 
   exhaust pipe with this silver potato.
_____
War over! Balls thoroughly licked.
_____
Bender: This is the Brooklyn-bound B train making local stops at wherever 
 the hell I feel like, watch for the closing doors.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Help! A guinea pig tricked me."
_____
"I betcha Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye." -Fry 
 "That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes
and poke one out." -Bender 
 "Yeah, that'd be a timesaver." -Fry
_____
Bender: This is the Brooklyn-bound B train making local stops at wherever 
 the hell I feel like, watch for the closing doors.
_____
"Hey! Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property!"
"You can't *own* property, man!"
"I can! That's because I'm not a penniless hippie!" 
 --Farnsworth & hippie
_____
Leela: I'm sorry, but if it's fun in any way it's not environmentalism. 
 Paul: Oh, really? How about blowing up dams?
_____
"This is an outrage! I demand to know what happened to the plucky lawyer and
her compellingly short garments." -alien
_____
Leela: And nappster says illegal copies never hurt anybody.
_____
"Hey! Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property!"
"You can't *own* property, man!"
"I can! That's because I'm not a penniless hippie!" 
 --Farnsworth & hippie
_____
Professor: "Good news. There's a report on TV with some very bad news."
_____
"Well, I give up. What's the catch?" -Fry 
 "Oh, no catch. Although we are, technically, in New Jersey." -Real estate
agent
_____
Fry: That clover helped my rat-fink brother steal my dream of going into 
   space. Now I'll never get there. 
 Leela: You went there this morning for donuts.
_____
Alcazar: "Leela, this must all be very confusing." 
Leela: "A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it."
_____
"I'm gonna be a famous hero just like Neil Armstrong and those other brave
guys no one ever heard of." -Fry
_____
Earth Army Recruiting Center: What are you, chicken? Buk buk buk!
_____
Morbo: "Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human 
 number one, puny human number two and Morbo's good friend 
 Richard Nixon." 
Nixon: "Hello Morbo. How's the family?" 
Morbo: "Belligerent and numerous." 
Nixon: "Good man, Nixon's pro-war and pro-family."
_____
Bender: A woman like that you gotta romance first!
_____
If food is not reasonably clean, return uneaten portion for partial refund
_____
Leela: I'm sorry, but if it's fun in any way it's not environmentalism. 
 Paul: Oh, really? How about blowing up dams?
_____
"So.. humans have easily injured knees. My race will find this
information very useful indeed. Mwahwahahahaha!"
 --Morbo
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "A successor to the professor?"
_____
"I'm gonna be a famous hero just like Neil Armstrong and those other brave
guys no one ever heard of." -Fry
_____
"Ahhh! We're gonna die! Right?" -Fry 
 "Right." -Bender 
 "Ahhh!" -Fry
_____
"This is Vergon 6." -Professor 
 "Bah." -Amy 
 It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little
doomed animals." -Professor
_____
Professor: Oh, dear. She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot. 
   Well, that's love for you.
_____
"From this day forth, Robot House is on dodecatuple secret probation." -Dean
Vernon
_____
Bender: He's a witch!
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Okay, so you're nonchalant, stop rubbing our noses in it.
_____
Computer: "Leela, you've got mail. It's not spam!"
_____
"I betcha Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye." -Fry 
 "That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes
and poke one out." -Bender 
 "Yeah, that'd be a timesaver." -Fry
_____
Fatbot: "I heard that in one single night you drank a whole keg, streaked across
campus, and crammed fifty-eight humans into a phone booth."
Bender: "Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were children...."
_____
One of Bender's kids: Our dad is a giant toy!
_____
If food is not reasonably clean, return uneaten portion for partial refund
_____
Leela: "We've blown out one of our engines." 
Fry: "Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it... fix it, fix it, fix
it!"
_____
Handcrafters: New hands in about an hour
 Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break them in tonight.
_____
Paul: If rubbin' frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey, 
 I don't wanna be right.
_____
Michelle: You should be chief.
 Fry: What do I need, ulcers?
_____
Michelle: I can't find a vanishing cream that doesn't make me actually vanish.
_____
Fry: Ah, the Breakfast Club soundtrack. Man, I can't wait until I'm old 
   enough to feel ways about stuff.
_____
Marv Albert: He's really showing us what a man with a cannon 
   in his chest can do.
_____
Professor: "Good news. There's a report on TV with some very bad news."
_____
Professor: "Good news. There's a report on TV with some very bad news."
_____
"And so, on behalf of the entire city, I thank you Professor Farnsworth. I
now present you with the Academy Prize, which we 
 confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a
jackass." -Mayor
_____
Old robot: I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.
_____
Mom's son: "Hell hath no fury like the vast robot armies of a woman
scorned."
_____
"Eureka!" -Professor 
 "Did you build the Smell-o-scope?" -Fry 
 "No. I remembered that I built one last year." -Professor
_____
Human female: "And so with two weeks left in the campaign, the question 
 on everyone's mind is, who will be the president of Earth? 
 Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson. 
 Two terrific candidates, Morbo?" 
Morbo: "All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo." 
Human female: "In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan 
 today, where titanium mine collapsed, trapping one thousand 
 robot workers. Unless something is done quickly the trapped 
 robots will be dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue 
 operations are planned?" 
Mine spokesman: "The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with 
 our lives." 
Morbo: "The news of mine's closing sent titanium prices sky 
 rocketing."
_____
Zoidberg: "Hooray, I'm useful. I'm having a wonderful time."
_____
"Please don't hit me! I'm brittle!"
 --Zoidberg
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Talk to the claw."
Bender: "Bite my collosal metal ass."
_____
Zoidberg: Muy macho. Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin 
   your drinking water!
_____
Professor: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it.
_____
Bender: "In the event of an emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation
device."
_____
"I don't care how many eyes a man has... as long as it's less than five."
-Leela
_____
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical 
 standpoint.
_____
Fry: What's with the eye?
_____
"I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific fraud like global warming
or second-hand smoke." -Mayor
_____
Computer: "Leela, you've got mail. It's not spam!"
_____
Calculon: I was all of history's great acting robots: Acting Unit 0.8, 
   Thespo-mat, David Duchovny!
_____
Paul: Good way to avoid frostbite, folks, put your hands between 
 your buttocks. That's nature's pocket.
_____
Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us 
   aren't normal. And that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg. He's 
   a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.
 Zoidberg: Damn right. 
 Fry: And the professor's a senile amoral crackpot.
 Professor: Oyeeaii. (waves) 
 Fry: Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
 Hermes: Tally me banana.
 Fry: Amy is a klutz from Mars.
 Amy: Whoops. (drops her glass)
 Professor: And Fry, you've got that brain thing.
 Fry: I already did!
_____
Bender: "Is he dumb or just ugly?"
_____
Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?
_____
"This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in... if he were a
fiddler crab." -Fry
_____
"Finally, I have a good claw! See? Three human females, a number, and
a king giving himself brain surgery!"
 --Zoidberg, on the ideal poker hand
_____
Calculon: I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this.
_____
"Who was that guy?" -Fry 
 "Your momma! Now shut up and drag me to work." -Bender
_____
"So.. humans have easily injured knees. My race will find this
information very useful indeed. Mwahwahahahaha!"
 --Morbo
_____
Loew's Qaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater
_____
"Please select mode of death: quick and painless or slow and horrible."
 "Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call." -Fry 
 "You have selected slow and horrible." -Automated voice 
 "Great choice." -Bender
_____
Fry: I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me? 
 Leela: Oh, lots of reasons.
_____
Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's 
 court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.
_____
Zapp: There's only one surefire way back into a woman's heart and 
  parts beyond. I speak, of course, of Karaoke.
_____
Zoidberg: So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out 
   of patients' bodies....
_____
Zoidberg: This letter has to be very personal, so I'm 
 	writing it in my own ink.
_____
Professor: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "It funny because it's poisonous." 
Fry: "Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp."
_____
Professor: Dirt doesn't need luck.
_____
Professor: The tanker has six-thousand hulls, so, unlike me, 
   it's entirely leak-proof.
_____
Got protoplasm?
_____
"Look at that five o'clock rust. You've been up all night not drinking,
haven't you?" -Leela
_____
Cops: I'm going to get 24th Century on his ass!
_____
"Please select mode of death: quick and painless or slow and horrible."
 "Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call." -Fry 
 "You have selected slow and horrible." -Automated voice 
 "Great choice." -Bender
_____
Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you 
   take it all and I say enough!
_____
"I'm gonna go build my own theme park... with blackjack and hookers! In
fact, forget the park!" -Bender
_____
Bender: Yeah, well I'm gonna build my own lunar space lander! 
 With blackjack aaaaannd Hookers! Actually, forget the space 
 lander, and the blackjack. Ahhhh forget the whole thing!
_____
Were-Bender: Oh boy, I feel like a car in a candy store.
_____
Bender: A woman like that you gotta romance first!
_____
Leela: I guess you never really outgrow being an eyeball... oddball.
_____
Bender: That probulator sure knows how to please a man.
_____
Leela: I'm sorry, but if it's fun in any way it's not environmentalism. 
 Paul: Oh, really? How about blowing up dams?
_____
Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?
_____
Zoidberg: Muy macho. Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin 
   your drinking water!
_____
Fry: "Do you have anything else for him?"
Contess de la Roca: "Lovely, isn't it?" 
Bender: "Yeah, but only 93% as lovely as you."
Contess de la Roca: "Oh, Bender. Either that was a computing error, or 
you're the most romantic robot I've ever met."
_____
Old robot: I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.
_____
"Good news, everyone." -Professor 
 "Uh oh. I don't like the sound of that." -Bender 
 "You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisaw." -Professor 
 "Here it comes." -Bender 
 "A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the forbidden zone."
-Professor 
 "Thank you, and goodnight." -Bender
_____
Bender: Life is hilariously cruel.
_____
Zapp: There's only one surefire way back into a woman's heart and 
  parts beyond. I speak, of course, of Karaoke.
_____
Alcazar: "I hope you don't think less of me becuase I live in a giant
castle."
_____
"Eureka!" -Professor 
 "Did you build the Smell-o-scope?" -Fry 
 "No. I remembered that I built one last year." -Professor
_____
Fry: Nowadays people aren't interested in art that's not tattooed on fat guys.
_____
Bender: A woman like that you gotta romance first!
_____
"Good lord. What is this?" -Fry 
 "It's the decaying ruins of old New York. Welcome home, pal!" -Bender
_____
Zapp: Now that's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes.
_____
Fry: "Very impressive. Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a
university on Mars."
Prof. Farnsworth: "Well in those days Mars was just a dreary uninhabitable 
wasteland... much like Utah. But unlike Utah, it was eventually made livable,
when the university was founded in 2636."
Leela: "They planted traditional college foliage: ivy, trees, hemp...."
_____
Computer: "Leela, you've got mail. It's not spam!"
_____
Professor: "Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth."
_____
Professor: "Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log onto AOL, and
it just went through. Whee! We're online."
_____
"Please don't hit me! I'm brittle!"
 --Zoidberg
_____
Bubblegum: Good lord, that sucker's shakin' around like 
   some fine imported booty.
_____
Hermes: Baby needs a new pair of shoes! 
 Zoidberg: To hell with your spoiled baby, I need those shoes.
_____
Fry: Have you ever been in love?
 Worm Mayor: No, I thought I was once, but then I remembered our 
 species reproduces with a cloud of spores.
_____
Adelai: A package is just a box until it's delivered.
_____
Leela: Well, goodnight. I'm gonna go make my dinners for the next month 
   and freeze them.
_____
"I refuse to fight! I'm a concientious objector." -Bender 
"A what?" -Fry 
"You know, a coward." -Bender
_____
Fry: "Do you have anything else for him?"
Contess de la Roca: "Lovely, isn't it?" 
Bender: "Yeah, but only 93% as lovely as you."
Contess de la Roca: "Oh, Bender. Either that was a computing error, or 
you're the most romantic robot I've ever met."
_____
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
_____
"Y'know, Zap, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I
realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But 
 now I realize that outside that child is just a big pompous buffoon."
-Leela
_____
"This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in... if he were a
fiddler crab." -Fry
_____
Bender: Hey! What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one
 hooker.
_____
Professor: Dirt doesn't need luck.
_____
Cubert: "Robots are very good at keeping secrets." 
Bender: "No, we're not, you little bed-wetter. Oops, I'm sorry."
_____
"And Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt as well. Were it not for your
twentieth century garbage-making skills, we'd all be 
 buried under twentieth century garbage." -Mayor
_____
Bender: I get a good vibe from this place. Nice long dinner table, 
   quiet well-behaved spiders, graveyards adjacent....
_____
Leela: You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever.
_____
Morbo: "Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human 
 number one, puny human number two and Morbo's good friend 
 Richard Nixon." 
Nixon: "Hello Morbo. How's the family?" 
Morbo: "Belligerent and numerous." 
Nixon: "Good man, Nixon's pro-war and pro-family."
_____
War over! Balls thoroughly licked.
_____
"Please don't hit me! I'm brittle!"
 --Zoidberg
_____
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
_____
Professor: "Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth."
_____
Amy: "Way to go, Professor, the plan worked." 
Mom: "Plan? What plan? I thought this was a spontaneous whirlwind of hot dry
sex."
_____
Michelle: When we get back to the hole we are going to have a long 
   boring talk about our relationship.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "It funny because it's poisonous." 
Fry: "Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp."
_____
Leela: I love his boyish charm, but I hate his childishness.
_____
Earth Army Recruiting Center: What are you, chicken? Buk buk buk!
_____
Professor: Dirt doesn't need luck.
_____
"Hey, you know what'd cheer you up? You should get yourself a puppy." -Amy 
"A puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies...." -Leela
_____
"Why don't you just come move in with me?" -Bender 
 "Really? That would be great! You sure I won't be imposing?" -Fry 
 "Nah. I've always wanted a pet." -Bender
_____
Fry: Where's Captain Bender? Off catastrophizing some other planet?
_____
"Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh." -Fry 
"Well, it's a Fox affiliate." -TV worker guy 
"What are you showing right now?" -Fry 
"'Single Female Lawyer.' It's the season finale. Wanna watch?" -TV worker
guy 
"I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World's
Blankiest Blank." -Fry 
"She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt." -TV worker guy 
"I'm in." -Fry
_____
Final Curtain 
 Old Actors' Home
_____
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical 
 standpoint.
_____
Fry: "Hey, my girlfriend had one of those. Actually, it wasn't her's, it was
her dad's. Actually, she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and 
never closed her curtains." 
Leela: "Fry, remember what I told you about always ending your stories a
sentence earlier?"
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Look at me! I'm Dr. Zoidberg, home-owner!"
_____
Cop: You're under arrest for child cruelty, child endangerment, depriving 
 children of food, selling children as food, and misrepresenting 
 the weight of livestock.
_____
Amy: "Way to go, Professor, the plan worked." 
Mom: "Plan? What plan? I thought this was a spontaneous whirlwind of hot dry
sex."
_____
Professor Farnsworth: "He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for
ocean rudeness."
_____
Hermes: "The poor demented honky."
_____
"Bender, I don't care whether you have money. I love you for your artificial
intelligence and your sincerity simulator."
 -Countess de la Roca
_____
Fan: "Aha ha, fan beats man."
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Talk to the claw."
Bender: "Bite my collosal metal ass."
_____
Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his 
   humanity the way only a woman can. 
 Professor: You're going to do his laundry?
_____
"I love every living creature." -Leela 
"Even me?" -Fry 
"As a friend." -Leela
_____
Professor: I knew I should have shown him "Electro-Gonnorhea, the Noisy Killer."
_____
Hermes: Dating your ex, Fry? Have you lost all self-respect?
 Fry: All what?
_____
"And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place
where I too hope one day to go: the toilet." 
	-Prof. Farnsworth
_____
Earth men are real men!
_____
"Maybe you can't understand this, but I finally found what I need to be
happy, and it's not friends, it's things." -Fry
_____
"Wait a second, aren't you a member of the yacht club?" -Bender 
"My God, you're right. I'm a class 3 yacht." -Countess de la Roca
_____
Professor: "Good news. There's a report on TV with some very bad news."
_____
Bender: "Argh. The laws of science be a harsh mistress."
_____
"Who was that guy?" -Fry 
 "Your momma! Now shut up and drag me to work." -Bender
_____
Fan: "Aha ha, fan beats man."
_____
"This is turning into one very sexy struggle for the human race."
 -Zapp Brannigan
_____
"I'm never gonna get used to the thirty-first century. Caffeinated bacon?
Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?" -Fry 
 "Well if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula." -Leela
_____
Fry: "I'm not prejudiced." 
Bender: "Ah, save it for the cross-burning, Adolf."
_____
Leela: I guess you never really outgrow being an eyeball... oddball.
_____
Leela: Zoidberg!
 Zoidberg: Sorry, you must have been boring.
_____
"Eureka!" -Professor 
 "Did you build the Smell-o-scope?" -Fry 
 "No. I remembered that I built one last year." -Professor
_____
"This is an outrage! I demand to know what happened to the plucky lawyer and
her compellingly short garments." -alien
_____
Bender: "Argh. The laws of science be a harsh mistress."
_____
Fry: "Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. Yes?" 
Zoidberg: "Is the desire to mate a feeling?"
_____
Bender to Zoidberg: "You're looking less nuts, crabby."
_____
"This is turning into one very sexy struggle for the human race."
 -Zapp Brannigan
_____
Morbo: "Morbo demands an answer to the following question. If you saw 
 a delicious candy in the hands of a small child. Would you 
 seize and consume it?" 
John Jackson: "Unthinkable."
Jack Johnson: "I wouldn't think of it." 
Morbo: "What about you Mr. Nixon? I remind you. You are under of a 
 truth-o-scope."
Nixon: "Question is vague. You don't say what kind of candy and 
 whether anyone is watching. In anyway I certainly wouldn't
 harm the child."
_____
"I never told anybody this, but a thousand years ago I used to look up at
the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just 
 didn't have the grades, or the physical endurance, plus I threw up a lot,
and nobody liked spending a week with me." -Fry
_____
Fry: Nowadays people aren't interested in art that's not tattooed on fat guys.
_____
Amy: Aw, he looks like a little insane drunken angel.
_____
Fry: "Do you have anything else for him?"
Contess de la Roca: "Lovely, isn't it?" 
Bender: "Yeah, but only 93% as lovely as you."
Contess de la Roca: "Oh, Bender. Either that was a computing error, or 
you're the most romantic robot I've ever met."
_____
nappster.com: Download any celebrity from A.A. Milne to Z.Z. Top
_____
Tonight's special, blackened leftovers
_____
"I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of
sleaze that those things bring." -Bender
_____
"Bachelor Chow. Now with flavor." -announcer
_____
"And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place
where I too hope one day to go: the toilet." 
	-Prof. Farnsworth
_____
Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you 
   take it all and I say enough!
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Now I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you
consider his age he's likely to die soon."
_____
Professor: I knew I should have shown him "Electro-Gonnorhea, the Noisy Killer."
_____
Calculon: I was all of history's great acting robots: Acting Unit 0.8, 
   Thespo-mat, David Duchovny!
_____
Zapp: She's built like a steak house but she handles like a bistro.
_____
Niblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in 
   order to wipe out all thought in the universe. 
 Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.
_____
Bender: "Is he dumb or just ugly?"
_____
Leela: "Well, it's a type M planet, so it should at least have
Roddenberries."
_____
"Didn't you have ads in the twentieth century?" -Leela 
 "Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio...and in
magazines...and movies, and at ballgames, and on buses, and 
 milk cartons, and T-shirts, and bananas, and written in the sky. But not in
dreams, no sirree." -Fry
_____
Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us 
   aren't normal. And that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg. He's 
   a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.
 Zoidberg: Damn right. 
 Fry: And the professor's a senile amoral crackpot.
 Professor: Oyeeaii. (waves) 
 Fry: Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
 Hermes: Tally me banana.
 Fry: Amy is a klutz from Mars.
 Amy: Whoops. (drops her glass)
 Professor: And Fry, you've got that brain thing.
 Fry: I already did!
_____
Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!
_____
Bender: If it ain't black and white, peck, scratch and bite.
_____
"And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place
where I too hope one day to go: the toilet." 
	-Prof. Farnsworth
_____
Bender: Well I don't have anything else planned for today, let's get drunk!
_____
Computer: "Leela, you've got mail. It's not spam!"
_____
"I might have liked Zap Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw
me in prison." -Leela "You really are too picky." 
 -Bender
_____
Bender: If it ain't black and white, peck, scratch and bite.
_____
Fry: Leela, there's nothing wrong with anything.
_____
The boss: "Get a load of ball bearings on this guy."
_____
Fry: What's with the eye?
_____
Fry: What are we going to do? 
 Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery. 
 Amy: No, let's buy internet stock.
 Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
 Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible.
 Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
 Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party!
 Everyone: Yeah!
_____
Zoidberg: "Hooray, I'm useful. I'm having a wonderful time."
_____
Professor: Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave.
_____
Bender: He's a witch!
_____
"Who was that guy?" -Fry 
 "Your momma! Now shut up and drag me to work." -Bender
_____
Human female: "And so with two weeks left in the campaign, the question 
 on everyone's mind is, who will be the president of Earth? 
 Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson. 
 Two terrific candidates, Morbo?" 
Morbo: "All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo." 
Human female: "In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan 
 today, where titanium mine collapsed, trapping one thousand 
 robot workers. Unless something is done quickly the trapped 
 robots will be dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue 
 operations are planned?" 
Mine spokesman: "The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with 
 our lives." 
Morbo: "The news of mine's closing sent titanium prices sky 
 rocketing."
_____
"I don't care how many eyes a man has... as long as it's less than five."
-Leela
_____
Applied Cryogenics: It seems to work OK.
_____
Robot Nite - Designated device drivers drink free
_____
"But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault
line between this mass of coffee grounds and this 
 deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor 
 "In theory, it could work." -General 
 "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a
mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom 
 "Aw, jeez." -Bender
_____
Niblonian 1: You must tell him to disable it. We will do the rest.
 Leela: You can count on me! 
 Niblonian 1: No we can't. Once on Earth, you will be too stupid 
   to remember the message.
 Niblonian 2: That's why we wrote it down. 
 Niblonian 3: We've also prepared a bag lunch and some mittens.
_____
Paul: It seems dark-matter is nature's sex drug. It's like a perverted 
 trail mix of penguin estrogen, penguine Viagra and Spanish penguin fly.
_____
Human female: "All in all. This is one day that mitten the kitten will not 
 soon forget."
Morbo: "Kittens give Morbo gas. In later news the city of New New 
 York is doomed. Blame rests with known human professor Hubert 
 Farnsworth and his tiny inferior brain."
_____
"Hey! Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property!"
"You can't *own* property, man!"
"I can! That's because I'm not a penniless hippie!" 
 --Farnsworth & hippie
_____
Leela: Oh, Adelai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared 
 at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me 
 feel so not weird.
_____
Fry: You gotta help me, Bender. How can I prove I'm human?
 Bender: You could drop dead. That'd show 'em. 
 Fry: I don't wanna.
_____
Handcrafters: New hands in about an hour
 Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break them in tonight.
_____
"I learned how to handle delicate social situations from a little show
called 'Three's Company.'" -Fry
_____
"Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone's going to jump out of
it, make sure to put them in after you cook it." 
 -Leela
_____
Star Tours
 Note: bus does not leave earth
_____
Professor: Superstitious robot mumbo jumbo.   
   Old robot: Mumbo, perhaps, jumbo, perhaps not.
_____
Bender: This is the Brooklyn-bound B train making local stops at wherever 
 the hell I feel like, watch for the closing doors.
_____
Professor: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp 
    and their tweet tweet splat.
_____
Bender: Fry, of all the friends I've had, you're the first.
_____
"Well, I give up. What's the catch?" -Fry 
 "Oh, no catch. Although we are, technically, in New Jersey." -Real estate
agent
_____
Fry: "Hey, my girlfriend had one of those. Actually, it wasn't her's, it was
her dad's. Actually, she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and 
never closed her curtains." 
Leela: "Fry, remember what I told you about always ending your stories a
sentence earlier?"
_____
"As a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman,
I'll be over Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure." -Zapp
_____
Professor: "Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth."
_____
Fry: That clover helped my rat-fink brother steal my dream of going into 
   space. Now I'll never get there. 
 Leela: You went there this morning for donuts.
_____
Bender: I don't know why, but when I look down at their little faces 
 it makes me want to puke... in a good way.
_____
Bob Barker: "I may be against the fur industry, but that won't stop me from
skinning you alive... as long as no one wears the skin."

Fry: "How can I live my life if I can't tell good from evil?" 
Bender: "Ah, they're both fine choices, whatever floats your boat."
_____
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical 
 standpoint.
_____
Leela: Well, goodnight. I'm gonna go make my dinners for the next month 
   and freeze them.
_____
"I'm never gonna get used to the thirty-first century. Caffeinated bacon?
Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?" -Fry 
 "Well if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula." -Leela
_____
Leela: Well, someone's in a good mode.
_____
Leela: Now strip naked and get on the probulator.
_____
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical 
 standpoint.
_____
Bender: "Aw, I think I got whiplash." 
Leela: "You can't have whiplash, you don't have a neck." 
Bender: "I meant ass whiplash."
_____
"I betcha Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye." -Fry 
 "That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes
and poke one out." -Bender 
 "Yeah, that'd be a timesaver." -Fry
_____
"And Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt as well. Were it not for your
twentieth century garbage-making skills, we'd all be 
 buried under twentieth century garbage." -Mayor
_____
Leela: "Oh my God, we're heading straight into a black hole!" 
Fry: "Talk about a mood killer."
_____
Professor: Perhaps it's your outlook that need a good bend, a ninety 
 degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
_____
Hermes: "Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams
things."
_____
"The point is, you shouldn't eat things that feel pain." *BONK!* "Ow!"
"Okay, we won't eat you!"
 --hippie & Bender
_____
Bender: Pardon me, brother. Care to donate to the anti-mugging you fund?
 Leela: We don't need to beg, Bender. For God's sake, we're not veterans.
_____
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical 
 standpoint.
_____
Amy: "What about Umbrielle?" 
Fry: "Well, it turned out I loved her, but I wasn't in love with her." 
Amy: "Trouble in bed."
_____
Professor: "If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, you can bet I won't be
out of loop."
_____
Amy: Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual.
_____
Henry Kissinger: Young man, you have the bravery of a hero and breath 
 as fresh as a summer ham.
_____
Professor: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp 
    and their tweet tweet splat.
_____
Bender: This is the Brooklyn-bound B train making local stops at wherever 
 the hell I feel like, watch for the closing doors.
_____
One of Bender's kids: Our dad is a giant toy!
_____
Zapp: "Why'd you open your bong-hole, you smelly hippie? You'd sacrifice a
beautiful woman to save a moderately attractive 
monkey? You must have smoked some bad granola."
_____
Human female: "And so with two weeks left in the campaign, the question 
 on everyone's mind is, who will be the president of Earth? 
 Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson. 
 Two terrific candidates, Morbo?" 
Morbo: "All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo." 
Human female: "In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan 
 today, where titanium mine collapsed, trapping one thousand 
 robot workers. Unless something is done quickly the trapped 
 robots will be dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue 
 operations are planned?" 
Mine spokesman: "The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with 
 our lives." 
Morbo: "The news of mine's closing sent titanium prices sky 
 rocketing."
_____
Bender: "I came here with a simple dream, a dream of killing all humans."
_____
Farnsworth: Oh no! I should do something....but i am already in my pajamas.
_____
Zapp: There's only one surefire way back into a woman's heart and 
  parts beyond. I speak, of course, of Karaoke.
_____
Officers' club: We don't know but we've been told, our beer on tap is 
 mighty cold.
_____
The boss: "Get a load of ball bearings on this guy."
_____
"It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows: at the end of
the episode, everything's always right back to normal." -Fry
_____
Bender: If it ain't black and white, peck, scratch and bite.
_____
"Please don't hit me! I'm brittle!"
 --Zoidberg
_____
Mom's son: "Hell hath no fury like the vast robot armies of a woman
scorned."
_____
Bender: Pardon me, brother. Care to donate to the anti-mugging you fund?
 Leela: We don't need to beg, Bender. For God's sake, we're not veterans.
_____
Leela: "Oh my God, we're heading straight into a black hole!" 
Fry: "Talk about a mood killer."
_____
The boss: "Get a load of ball bearings on this guy."
_____
"And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place
where I too hope one day to go: the toilet." 
	-Prof. Farnsworth
_____
Bender: Oh... your... God.
_____
Fry: Augh, I am so unlucky. I've run over black cats that were luckier than me.
_____
Janitor: Oh, marmalade!
_____
"Trespassers, eh?" -farmer 
 "No, sir. We're amusement park patrons." -Fry 
 "Oooh, that's a wicked sinful place. Tilt-a-whirl's okay, but the rest is
mighty wicked." -farmer
_____
Zapp: There's only one surefire way back into a woman's heart and 
  parts beyond. I speak, of course, of Karaoke.
_____
"Bender, we didn't mind your drinking or your cleptomania or your
pornography ring." -Leela 
 "In fact, that's why we love you." -Zoidberg
_____
Leela: "Are you real, or am I seeing single?" 
Alcazar: "Ow. Of course I'm real." 
Leela: "After all this time, somebody else with one eye who isn't a clumsy
carpenter or a kid with a BB gun."
_____
Calculon: An Oscar, you say? That would get me out of this festering 
   rats' nest called television once and for all.
_____
Champion Pet Show Today 
 Kids: See Toucan Sam's death mask
_____
Bender: Pardon me, brother. Care to donate to the anti-mugging you fund?
 Leela: We don't need to beg, Bender. For God's sake, we're not veterans.
_____
"I might have liked Zap Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw
me in prison." -Leela "You really are too picky." 
 -Bender
_____
Marv Albert: He's really showing us what a man with a cannon 
   in his chest can do.
_____
"He's an animal. He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus on one of those
tiny tricycles. Now that's entertainment." -Fry
_____
"Please select mode of death: quick and painless or slow and horrible."
 "Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call." -Fry 
 "You have selected slow and horrible." -Automated voice 
 "Great choice." -Bender
_____
"I learned how to handle delicate social situations from a little show
called 'Three's Company.'" -Fry
_____
"Why don't you just come move in with me?" -Bender 
 "Really? That would be great! You sure I won't be imposing?" -Fry 
 "Nah. I've always wanted a pet." -Bender
_____
Final Curtain 
 Old Actors' Home
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Now I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you
consider his age he's likely to die soon."
_____
Bender: If it ain't black and white, peck, scratch and bite.
_____
Amy: Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual.
_____
"It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows: at the end of
the episode, everything's always right back to normal." -Fry
_____
Zoidberg: So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out 
   of patients' bodies....
_____
Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's 
 court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.
_____
Famous Original Ray's Superior Court
_____
"Hey! Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property!"
"You can't *own* property, man!"
"I can! That's because I'm not a penniless hippie!" 
 --Farnsworth & hippie
_____
"And so, on behalf of the entire city, I thank you Professor Farnsworth. I
now present you with the Academy Prize, which we 
 confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a
jackass." -Mayor
_____
Bender: Hey! What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one
 hooker.
_____
Brannigan: You'll be negotiating with the aliens' mysterious leaders, the 
 Brain Balls. They've got a lot of brains, and they've got a lot of chutzpah.
_____
Leela: I'm sorry, but if it's fun in any way it's not environmentalism. 
 Paul: Oh, really? How about blowing up dams?
_____
Human female: "All in all. This is one day that mitten the kitten will not 
 soon forget."
Morbo: "Kittens give Morbo gas. In later news the city of New New 
 York is doomed. Blame rests with known human professor Hubert 
 Farnsworth and his tiny inferior brain."
_____
Professor Farnsworth: "Oh my, that steamed carrot was a bit spicy for me."
_____
"Please select mode of death: quick and painless or slow and horrible."
 "Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call." -Fry 
 "You have selected slow and horrible." -Automated voice 
 "Great choice." -Bender
_____
Professor Nerdstrom: Sit. I said sit! Bad fish!
_____
Fry: Mmm, the gristle in a blanket isn't half bad.
 Bender: And try one of these popsicle sticks. They've 
   absorbed quite a bit of flavor.
_____
Lucy Liu: That was incredible, Bender. You're like Jackie Chan 
   before he got all doughy.
_____
Oscar Party 
 No losers admitted
_____
Morbo: "Morbo demands an answer to the following question. If you saw 
 a delicious candy in the hands of a small child. Would you 
 seize and consume it?" 
John Jackson: "Unthinkable."
Jack Johnson: "I wouldn't think of it." 
Morbo: "What about you Mr. Nixon? I remind you. You are under of a 
 truth-o-scope."
Nixon: "Question is vague. You don't say what kind of candy and 
 whether anyone is watching. In anyway I certainly wouldn't
 harm the child."
_____
"That's one small step for Fry..." -Fry 
 "...and one giant line for admission." -stranger in line
_____
Human female: "All in all. This is one day that mitten the kitten will not 
 soon forget."
Morbo: "Kittens give Morbo gas. In later news the city of New New 
 York is doomed. Blame rests with known human professor Hubert 
 Farnsworth and his tiny inferior brain."
_____
Professor: "The thought of caressing that leathery hide makes the tapioca
rise in my gullet" 
Fry: "Professor, please, the fate of the world depends on you getting to
second base with Mom." 
Professor: "Very well, if cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall."
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Help! A guinea pig tricked me."
_____
Fry: Hey, I don't see you planning for your old age.
 Bender: I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off switch to off.
_____
"Hey, sexy mama. Wanna kill all the humans?" -Bender
_____
Professor: "A toast to Leela. She showed us it's wrong to eat certain
things."
_____
Fry: Lucy Liu-bot, if I don't survive the corn, I want you to know that I 
 love you as much as a man can love a computerized image of a gorgeous 
 celebrity, which it turns out is a lot.
_____
"Y'know, Zap, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I
realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But 
 now I realize that outside that child is just a big pompous buffoon."
-Leela
_____
"I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific fraud like global warming
or second-hand smoke." -Mayor
_____
Bender: I ain't your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much. 
   You even love anybody pretending to be him!
 Angleyne: Well, maybe I love you so much I love you no matter 
   who you're pretending to be.
 Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that.
_____
Paul: Good way to avoid frostbite, folks, put your hands between 
 your buttocks. That's nature's pocket.
_____
Professor: "Good news. There's a report on TV with some very bad news."
_____
Leela: "Where were you at 10pm last night?" 
Professor Farnsworth: "Where am I now?"
_____
Tonight's special, blackened blackened leftovers
_____
"This is turning into one very sexy struggle for the human race."
 -Zapp Brannigan
_____
Leela: I love his boyish charm, but I hate his childishness.
_____
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
_____
Bender: Hey! What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one
 hooker.
_____
"Good news, everyone." -Professor 
 "Uh oh. I don't like the sound of that." -Bender 
 "You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisaw." -Professor 
 "Here it comes." -Bender 
 "A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the forbidden zone."
-Professor 
 "Thank you, and goodnight." -Bender
_____
"So.. humans have easily injured knees. My race will find this
information very useful indeed. Mwahwahahahaha!"
 --Morbo
_____
Fry: What's with the eye?
_____
Bender: "Is he dumb or just ugly?"
_____
Fry: Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Ow, my head! Ow, my feet!
 Professor: Keep your chin up. 
 Fry: Ow, my chin!
_____
"This is turning into one very sexy struggle for the human race."
 -Zapp Brannigan
_____
Zoidberg: So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out 
   of patients' bodies....
_____
Edna: "Teach me to love you, squishy poet from beyond the stars." 
Fry: "I'm flattered, really. If I was gonna do it with a big freaky mud bug,
 you'd be way up the list."
_____
If food is not reasonably clean, return uneaten portion for partial refund
_____
Professor: "Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log onto AOL, and
it just went through. Whee! We're online."
_____
Zoidberg: This letter has to be very personal, so I'm 
 	writing it in my own ink.
_____
Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and 
 possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
_____
Fry: Lucy Liu-bot, if I don't survive the corn, I want you to know that I 
 love you as much as a man can love a computerized image of a gorgeous 
 celebrity, which it turns out is a lot.
_____
Awards ceremony in progress 
 No pooping
_____
Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?
_____
Bender: Hey! What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one
 hooker.
_____
Hermes: "I miss my wife and my oxygen." 
Professor Farnsworth: "Yes, we all miss our loved ones and gases."
_____
Handcrafters: New hands in about an hour
 Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break them in tonight.
_____
Leela: You guys distract the were-car, and I'll kill it by plugging its 
   exhaust pipe with this silver potato.
_____
Zoidberg: Muy macho. Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin 
   your drinking water!
_____
Amy: Worms? Ew, pukatronic!
_____
"I heard one time you single-handedly defeated a hoard of rampaging of
somethings in the something something system." -Fry
_____
Leela: Ah, maybe they're right, maybe Nibbler is dumb.
 Fry: Don't listen to them, Leela. People said I was dumb but I proved them!
_____
"Bachelor Chow. Now with flavor." -announcer
_____
Leela: Zoidberg!
 Zoidberg: Sorry, you must have been boring.
_____
Bender: Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard. I'll kill you! 
   Fry: I'll kill you too, buddy, I'll kill you too.
_____
Fry: That clover helped my rat-fink brother steal my dream of going into 
   space. Now I'll never get there. 
 Leela: You went there this morning for donuts.
_____
Zoidberg: Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough to be thrown back!
_____
"Who would have though hell would really exist? And that it would be in New
Jersey?" -Leela 
"Actually..." - Fry
_____
Leela: Hold Still, I don't have good depth perception!
_____
Professor: Perhaps it's your outlook that need a good bend, a ninety 
 degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
_____
Computer: "Leela, you've got mail. It's not spam!"
_____
Human female: "The holiday season is time of celebration for most but it is 
 also the time to remember the tragic suffering of the less 
 fortunate." 
Morbo: "Earthlings do not yet know the meaning of suffering." 
Human female: "Earlier today I visited the shelter for down-and-out robots. 
 Homeless robots too poor to afford even the basic alcohol they 
 need fuel their circuits. Is there anything sadder? 
 Only drowning puppies and there have to be a lot of them."
_____
"From this day forth, Robot House is on dodecatuple secret probation." -Dean
Vernon
_____
Leela: "Well, it's a type M planet, so it should at least have
Roddenberries."
_____
Roberto: Geez, I've seen lines move faster in a sperm bank.
_____
"I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific fraud like global warming
or second-hand smoke." -Mayor
_____
"I don't get it. Who was this Ted Danson, and why would you pay $10,000 for
his skeleton?" -Leela
_____
Famous Original Ray's Superior Court
_____
Bubblegum: Good lord, that sucker's shakin' around like 
   some fine imported booty.
_____
Bender: Oh, Lord, I'm on the verge of a nervous melt-down.
_____
Calculon: I was all of history's great acting robots: Acting Unit 0.8, 
   Thespo-mat, David Duchovny!
_____
"Why would a robot need to drink?" -Fry 
 "I don't need to drink, I can quit anytime I want." -Bender
_____
Brannigan: You'll be negotiating with the aliens' mysterious leaders, the 
 Brain Balls. They've got a lot of brains, and they've got a lot of chutzpah.
_____
Bender: I ain't your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much. 
   You even love anybody pretending to be him!
 Angleyne: Well, maybe I love you so much I love you no matter 
   who you're pretending to be.
 Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that.
_____
"But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault
line between this mass of coffee grounds and this 
 deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor 
 "In theory, it could work." -General 
 "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a
mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom 
 "Aw, jeez." -Bender
_____
Zapp: The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongey and bruised.
_____
"From this day forth, Robot House is on dodecatuple secret probation." -Dean
Vernon
_____
Hermes: "Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams
things."
_____
HAL Institute for Criminally Insane Robots
_____
"Please don't hit me! I'm brittle!"
 --Zoidberg
_____
Mom's son: "Hell hath no fury like the vast robot armies of a woman
scorned."
_____
Leela: Ah, maybe they're right, maybe Nibbler is dumb.
 Fry: Don't listen to them, Leela. People said I was dumb but I proved them!
_____
Adelai: A package is just a box until it's delivered.
_____
"I refuse to fight! I'm a concientious objector." -Bender 
"A what?" -Fry 
"You know, a coward." -Bender
_____
Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!
_____
Janitor: Oh, marmalade!
_____
Oscar Party 
 No losers admitted
_____
"If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo."
-Professor
_____
"I refuse to fight! I'm a concientious objector." -Bender 
"A what?" -Fry 
"You know, a coward." -Bender
_____
"I betcha Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye." -Fry 
 "That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes
and poke one out." -Bender 
 "Yeah, that'd be a timesaver." -Fry
_____
Professor: Ouch! That's going to bleed when my heart beats.
_____
"Hurry up! I wanna see the moon." -Fry 
 "Relax. It's open 'till nine." -Leela
_____
Human female: "The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to 
 it's highest level in centuries, six percent." 
Morbo: "Exit poll show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing with 
 estimated zero votes." 
Human female: "The time is 7:59 and the robot polls are now opening. And 
 robot votes are now in. Nixon has won." 
Morbo: "Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death 
 come quickly to his enemies."
_____
Bender: If it ain't black and white, peck, scratch and bite.
_____
Fry: That clover helped my rat-fink brother steal my dream of going into 
   space. Now I'll never get there. 
 Leela: You went there this morning for donuts.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Okay, so you're nonchalant, stop rubbing our noses in it.
_____
Bender: "Argh. The laws of science be a harsh mistress."
_____
Lucy Liu: That was incredible, Bender. You're like Jackie Chan 
   before he got all doughy.
_____
"All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo!"
 --Morbo
_____
Robot priest: And so we commend Vladimir's remains to the earth: 
   filings to filings, rust to rust.
_____
Hermes: "Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams
things."
_____
Bender: He's gay. 
Leela: How do you know? 
Bender: I have this thing called gaydar.
_____
Morbo: "Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human 
 number one, puny human number two and Morbo's good friend 
 Richard Nixon." 
Nixon: "Hello Morbo. How's the family?" 
Morbo: "Belligerent and numerous." 
Nixon: "Good man, Nixon's pro-war and pro-family."
_____
Bender: I ain't your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much. 
   You even love anybody pretending to be him!
 Angleyne: Well, maybe I love you so much I love you no matter 
   who you're pretending to be.
 Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that.
_____
Fry: "Well, thanks to the internet I'm now bored with sex. Is ther a place
on the web that panders to my lust for violence?" 
Bender: "Is the space-pope reptilian?"
_____
Zoidberg: So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out 
   of patients' bodies....
_____
Leela: Your face can take a lot of punishment. That's good to know. 
 Fry: There's a lot about my face you don't know.
_____
Hermes: Baby needs a new pair of shoes! 
 Zoidberg: To hell with your spoiled baby, I need those shoes.
_____
Professor: Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good 
 captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender 
 is perfect for the job.
 Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.
_____
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are 
 you jacking on in there?
_____
Leela: Hold Still, I don't have good depth perception!
_____
"Hey, I'm startin' to get the hang of this game. The blerns are loaded. The
count's three blerns and two anti-blerns, and the 
 infield blern rule is in effect. Right?" -Fry 
 "Other than the word blern, that was complete gibberish." -Leela
_____
Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange
   wax in my ears.
_____
"Who was that guy?" -Fry 
 "Your momma! Now shut up and drag me to work." -Bender
_____
Niblonian 1: You must tell him to disable it. We will do the rest.
 Leela: You can count on me! 
 Niblonian 1: No we can't. Once on Earth, you will be too stupid 
   to remember the message.
 Niblonian 2: That's why we wrote it down. 
 Niblonian 3: We've also prepared a bag lunch and some mittens.
_____
Leela: I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again you screwed 
 up. Now all the planets are gonna start crackin' wise about our mommas. 
 Hermes: I'm just glad my fat ugly momma isn't alive to see this day.
_____
"This is a great, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus. Heh heh."
-Fry 
 "I don't get it." -Leela 
 "I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid
joke once and for all." -Professor 
 "Oh. What's it called now?" -Fry 
 "Urectum." -Professor
_____
Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you 
   take it all and I say enough!
_____
"I don't get it. Who was this Ted Danson, and why would you pay $10,000 for
his skeleton?" -Leela
_____
"I'm gonna go build my own theme park... with blackjack and hookers! In
fact, forget the park!" -Bender
_____
Bender: I finally meet a nice girl with a pair of legs 
   that don't quite unexpectedly...
_____
Leela: Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer and 
   reprogram it to let them go. 
 Bender: Maybe you can interface with my ass... by biting it.
_____
Alcazar: "Leela, this must all be very confusing." 
Leela: "A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it."
_____
"Y'know, Zap, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I
realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But 
 now I realize that outside that child is just a big pompous buffoon."
-Leela
_____
"Bender, we didn't mind your drinking or your cleptomania or your
pornography ring." -Leela 
 "In fact, that's why we love you." -Zoidberg
_____
Zapp: You win again, gravity!
_____
Professor Nerdstrom: Sit. I said sit! Bad fish!
_____
Fry: Where's Captain Bender? Off catastrophizing some other planet?
_____
Bender: Yeah, well I'm gonna build my own lunar space lander! 
 With blackjack aaaaannd Hookers! Actually, forget the space 
 lander, and the blackjack. Ahhhh forget the whole thing!
_____
Zapp: The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongey and bruised.
_____
Fry: Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.
_____
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical 
 standpoint.
_____
"In case you were wondering, that was just for Zapp." 
	-Leela, after kissing Fry
_____
Calculon: I'm programmed to be very busy.
_____
"As a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman,
I'll be over Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure." -Zapp
_____
Human female: "All in all. This is one day that mitten the kitten will not 
 soon forget."
Morbo: "Kittens give Morbo gas. In later news the city of New New 
 York is doomed. Blame rests with known human professor Hubert 
 Farnsworth and his tiny inferior brain."
_____
Loosely confederate colors of Benetton
_____
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are 
 you jacking on in there?
_____
Leela: I love his boyish charm, but I hate his childishness.
_____
Edna: "Excuse me, I've got to powder my mouth flaps."
_____
Hermes: "Hail, Atlanta."
_____
Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter
_____
Bender: Stay away from our women. You got metal fever, baby, metal fever!
_____
Cops: I'm going to get 24th Century on his ass!
_____
Bender: Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard. I'll kill you! 
   Fry: I'll kill you too, buddy, I'll kill you too.
_____
Professor: While you were gone the Trotters held a news conference 
   to announce that I was a jive sucker.
_____
Bender: "One of you will have to fill in for me while I'm gone." 
Professor Farnsworth: "Better yet, I'll build someone to fill in for you.
Some kind of gamma-powered mechanical monsters with 
freeway on-ramps for arms and a heart as black as coal..."
_____
Bender: If it ain't black and white, peck, scratch and bite.
_____
"I might have liked Zap Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw
me in prison." -Leela "You really are too picky." 
 -Bender
_____
Bender: Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard. I'll kill you! 
   Fry: I'll kill you too, buddy, I'll kill you too.
_____
Fry: "Do you have anything else for him?"
Contess de la Roca: "Lovely, isn't it?" 
Bender: "Yeah, but only 93% as lovely as you."
Contess de la Roca: "Oh, Bender. Either that was a computing error, or 
you're the most romantic robot I've ever met."
_____
Amy: Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual.
_____
Professor: Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat 
 their heart to gain their courage. Their rich tasty courage.
_____
Robot priest: And so we commend Vladimir's remains to the earth: 
   filings to filings, rust to rust.
_____
Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter
_____
Fry: I've only got two fantasies left: to be invisible in a 
chocolate factory, and to be romantically linked to a  celebrity.
 Bender: I could pound your head 'til you think that's what happened.
 Fry: Okay.
_____
Fry: "They're great! They're like sex except I'm having them."
_____
Bender: "In the event of an emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation
device."
_____
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are 
 you jacking on in there?
_____
"Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated
type." -Leela
_____
Bender: "You know the secret of traditional robot cooking? Start with a good
high-quality oil, then eat it."
_____
"Are you all right?" -Leela 
"Ah, it's nothing a a law suit won't cure." -Bender
_____
"All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo!"
 --Morbo
_____
Bender: I need a calculator.
 Fry: You are a calculator.
 Bender: I need a good calculator.
_____
"Eureka!" -Professor 
 "Did you build the Smell-o-scope?" -Fry 
 "No. I remembered that I built one last year." -Professor
_____
Hermes to Bender: "What did you get her, you mushy gizmo?"
_____
Professor: Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat 
 their heart to gain their courage. Their rich tasty courage.
_____
Paul: Good way to avoid frostbite, folks, put your hands between 
 your buttocks. That's nature's pocket.
_____
Amy: "Bender, your beer belly's so big your door won't even close. And that
 doesn't even make sense."
_____
Adelai: A package is just a box until it's delivered.
_____
"Are you all right?" -Leela 
"Ah, it's nothing a a law suit won't cure." -Bender
_____
"I might have liked Zap Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw
me in prison." -Leela "You really are too picky." 
 -Bender
_____
Fry: "You know what I like best about you, Umbrielle? You find me
fascinating, even when I'm not claiming to be a jewel thief 
or a lion tamer."
_____
"Eureka!" -Professor 
 "Did you build the Smell-o-scope?" -Fry 
 "No. I remembered that I built one last year." -Professor
_____
Leela: "He's crude and gross and he treats me like a slave." 
Fry: "Then dump his one-eyed ass."
_____
Were-Bender: Oh boy, I feel like a car in a candy store.
_____
Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange
   wax in my ears.
_____
"Listen, Bender, where's your bathroom?" -Fry 
 "Bath what?" -Bender 
 "Bathroom." -Fry 
 "What room?" -Bender 
 "Bathroom!" -Fry 
 "What what?" Bender 
 "Ah, nevermind." -Fry
_____
Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's 
 court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.
_____
Bubblegum: Bender, you can talk trash, you can handle the ball, 
 but look in your heart and ask yourself: are you funky
 enough to be a Globe Trotter? Are you?
 Bender: Yes.
 Bubblegum: Are you? 
 Bender: I mean, with time, my funk level could... 
 Bubblegum: Are you?!
 Bender: No. 
 Bubblegum: Deal with it.
_____
Bender: "In the event of an emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation
device."
_____
Leela: "Are you real, or am I seeing single?" 
Alcazar: "Ow. Of course I'm real." 
Leela: "After all this time, somebody else with one eye who isn't a clumsy
carpenter or a kid with a BB gun."
_____
Bender: I need a calculator.
 Fry: You are a calculator.
 Bender: I need a good calculator.
_____
Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his 
   humanity the way only a woman can. 
 Professor: You're going to do his laundry?
_____
Tonight's special, blackened blackened leftovers
_____
Farnsworth: Oh no! I should do something....but i am already in my pajamas.
_____
Fry: That clover helped my rat-fink brother steal my dream of going into 
   space. Now I'll never get there. 
 Leela: You went there this morning for donuts.
_____
"I'm never gonna get used to the thirty-first century. Caffeinated bacon?
Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?" -Fry 
 "Well if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula." -Leela
_____
Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot?
 Professor: No. Why would I know that?
_____
"I might have liked Zap Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw
me in prison." -Leela "You really are too picky." 
 -Bender
_____
Hermes: Baby needs a new pair of shoes! 
 Zoidberg: To hell with your spoiled baby, I need those shoes.
_____
Fan: "Aha ha, fan beats man."
_____
Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?
_____
Loew's Qaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater
_____
Handcrafters: New hands in about an hour
 Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break them in tonight.
_____
"Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh." -Fry 
"Well, it's a Fox affiliate." -TV worker guy 
"What are you showing right now?" -Fry 
"'Single Female Lawyer.' It's the season finale. Wanna watch?" -TV worker
guy 
"I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World's
Blankiest Blank." -Fry 
"She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt." -TV worker guy 
"I'm in." -Fry
_____
nappster.com: Download any celebrity from A.A. Milne to Z.Z. Top
_____
Zoidberg: Muy macho. Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin 
   your drinking water!
_____
Farnsworth: Oh no! I should do something....but i am already in my pajamas.
_____
Handcrafters: New hands in about an hour
 Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break them in tonight.
_____
"Are you all right?" -Leela 
"Ah, it's nothing a a law suit won't cure." -Bender
_____
Farnsworth: Oh no! I should do something....but i am already in my pajamas.
_____
Amy: "Way to go, Professor, the plan worked." 
Mom: "Plan? What plan? I thought this was a spontaneous whirlwind of hot dry
sex."
_____
Zoidberg: Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough to be thrown back!
_____
Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and 
 possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
_____
"I'm never gonna get used to the thirty-first century. Caffeinated bacon?
Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?" -Fry 
 "Well if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula." -Leela
_____
Fry: "You know what I like best about you, Umbrielle? You find me
fascinating, even when I'm not claiming to be a jewel thief 
or a lion tamer."
_____
Leela: I guess you never really outgrow being an eyeball... oddball.
_____
"I love every living creature." -Leela 
"Even me?" -Fry 
"As a friend." -Leela
_____
Brannigan: You'll be negotiating with the aliens' mysterious leaders, the 
 Brain Balls. They've got a lot of brains, and they've got a lot of chutzpah.
_____
"Maybe you can't understand this, but I finally found what I need to be
happy, and it's not friends, it's things." -Fry
_____
Zoidberg: That's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid for lunch to 
 discuss my Hollywood dream. The next time you see me, don't
 be surprised if I've eaten.
_____
Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you 
   take it all and I say enough!
_____
Final Curtain 
 Old Actors' Home
_____
"As a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman,
I'll be over Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure." -Zapp
_____
Leela: I'm sorry, but if it's fun in any way it's not environmentalism. 
 Paul: Oh, really? How about blowing up dams?
_____
Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us 
   aren't normal. And that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg. He's 
   a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.
 Zoidberg: Damn right. 
 Fry: And the professor's a senile amoral crackpot.
 Professor: Oyeeaii. (waves) 
 Fry: Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
 Hermes: Tally me banana.
 Fry: Amy is a klutz from Mars.
 Amy: Whoops. (drops her glass)
 Professor: And Fry, you've got that brain thing.
 Fry: I already did!
_____
"It was nice of you to let me reattach your arm."
 --Zoidber
_____
Fry: Ooh, Big Pink. It's the only gum with the breath freshening power of ham.
 Bender: And it pinkens your teeth while you chew.
_____
Amy: "Way to go, Professor, the plan worked." 
Mom: "Plan? What plan? I thought this was a spontaneous whirlwind of hot dry
sex."
_____
Handcrafters: New hands in about an hour
 Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break them in tonight.
_____
"Please don't hit me! I'm brittle!"
 --Zoidberg
_____
Earth Army Recruiting Center: What are you, chicken? Buk buk buk!
_____
Amy: Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual.
_____
Bender: "Tell the Donbot I'm quitting organized crime. From now on I'll stick
to the regular kind."
_____
Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's 
 court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.
_____
Bender: "Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending."
_____
Professor Farnsworth: "Oh my, that steamed carrot was a bit spicy for me."
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Look at me! I'm Dr. Zoidberg, home-owner!"
_____
Professor: "Good news, everyone, the university is bringing me up on
disclipinary charges. Wait, that's not good news at all."
_____
"It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows: at the end of
the episode, everything's always right back to normal." -Fry
_____
"Lightspeed briefs: style and comfort for the discriminating crotch."
-announcer
_____
Bender: "Blackmail's such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it
sound cool."
_____
Fry: Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Ow, my head! Ow, my feet!
 Professor: Keep your chin up. 
 Fry: Ow, my chin!
_____
"Who would have though hell would really exist? And that it would be in New
Jersey?" -Leela 
"Actually..." - Fry
_____
Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.
_____
"But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault
line between this mass of coffee grounds and this 
 deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor 
 "In theory, it could work." -General 
 "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a
mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom 
 "Aw, jeez." -Bender
_____
Marv Albert: He's really showing us what a man with a cannon 
   in his chest can do.
_____
Fry: What's with the eye?
_____
Fry: I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having disks crammed 
 into me... unless they're Oreos, and then only in the mouth.
_____
"I love every living creature." -Leela 
"Even me?" -Fry 
"As a friend." -Leela
_____
"And Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt as well. Were it not for your
twentieth century garbage-making skills, we'd all be 
 buried under twentieth century garbage." -Mayor
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "A successor to the professor?"
_____
"I heard one time you single-handedly defeated a hoard of rampaging of
somethings in the something something system." -Fry
_____
Tonight's special, blackened blackened leftovers
_____
"If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo."
-Professor
_____
Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange
   wax in my ears.
_____
Professor: Ouch! That's going to bleed when my heart beats.
_____
Bender: Oh, Lord, I'm on the verge of a nervous melt-down.
_____
"Planet Express: our crew is replaceable, your package isn't." -Advertisement
_____
Fry: Augh, I am so unlucky. I've run over black cats that were luckier than me.
_____
Bender: Oh no! Not the magnet!
_____
Fry: Have you ever been in love?
 Worm Mayor: No, I thought I was once, but then I remembered our 
 species reproduces with a cloud of spores.
_____
Hermes to Bender: "What did you get her, you mushy gizmo?"
_____
Bubblegum: Good lord, that sucker's shakin' around like 
   some fine imported booty.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Talk to the claw."
Bender: "Bite my collosal metal ass."
_____
"Face it, Fry, baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie. That's why they
jazzed it up." -Leela 
 "Boring? Baseball wasn't...hmmm, so they finally jazzed it up." -Fry
_____
Final Curtain 
 Old Actors' Home
_____
Professor: This is gonna be one hell of a bowel movement. Afterwards, 
he'll be lucky if he has any bones left.
_____
Professor: The tanker has six-thousand hulls, so, unlike me, 
   it's entirely leak-proof.
_____
Leela: Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer and 
   reprogram it to let them go. 
 Bender: Maybe you can interface with my ass... by biting it.
_____
Bender: He's gay. 
Leela: How do you know? 
Bender: I have this thing called gaydar.
_____
Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us 
   aren't normal. And that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg. He's 
   a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.
 Zoidberg: Damn right. 
 Fry: And the professor's a senile amoral crackpot.
 Professor: Oyeeaii. (waves) 
 Fry: Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
 Hermes: Tally me banana.
 Fry: Amy is a klutz from Mars.
 Amy: Whoops. (drops her glass)
 Professor: And Fry, you've got that brain thing.
 Fry: I already did!
_____
Professor: Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave.
_____
Cop: "He's making a break for it. Get him!" 
Fry: "No, no, I was just picking my nose." 
Cop: "He's picking his nose. Get him!"
_____
Fry: I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be 
   chopped up into a patty. 
 Judge Whitey: Ah, the sixty-seventh ammendment.
_____
Zapp: She's built like a steak house but she handles like a bistro.
_____
Dr. Zoidberg: "Help! A guinea pig tricked me."
_____
Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange
   wax in my ears.
_____
Leela: I'm sorry, but if it's fun in any way it's not environmentalism. 
 Paul: Oh, really? How about blowing up dams?
_____
Leela: Oh, Adelai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared 
 at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me 
 feel so not weird.
_____
Star Tours
 Note: bus does not leave earth
_____
Professor: The tanker has six-thousand hulls, so, unlike me, 
   it's entirely leak-proof.
_____
Henry Kissinger: Young man, you have the bravery of a hero and breath 
 as fresh as a summer ham.
_____
Bender: "Oh my God, I'm so excited I wish I could wet my pants."
_____
Professor: I knew I should have shown him "Electro-Gonnorhea, the Noisy Killer."
_____
Zapp: "Why'd you open your bong-hole, you smelly hippie? You'd sacrifice a
beautiful woman to save a moderately attractive 
monkey? You must have smoked some bad granola."
_____
"Maybe you can't understand this, but I finally found what I need to be
happy, and it's not friends, it's things." -Fry
_____
Tonight's special, blackened blackened leftovers
_____
Calculon: I was all of history's great acting robots: Acting Unit 0.8, 
   Thespo-mat, David Duchovny!
_____
Bender: I ain't your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much. 
   You even love anybody pretending to be him!
 Angleyne: Well, maybe I love you so much I love you no matter 
   who you're pretending to be.
 Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that.
_____
Cops: I'm going to get 24th Century on his ass!
_____
Michelle: I can't find a vanishing cream that doesn't make me actually vanish.
_____
Leela: Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer and 
   reprogram it to let them go. 
 Bender: Maybe you can interface with my ass... by biting it.
_____
Zapp: "Why'd you open your bong-hole, you smelly hippie? You'd sacrifice a
beautiful woman to save a moderately attractive 
monkey? You must have smoked some bad granola."
_____
Fry: I've only got two fantasies left: to be invisible in a 
chocolate factory, and to be romantically linked to a  celebrity.
 Bender: I could pound your head 'til you think that's what happened.
 Fry: Okay.
_____
Fry: Leela, Bender, we're going grave-robbing.
 Bender: I'll get my kit!
_____
Bender: "Hey, guess what you're accessories to?"
_____
Leela: Oh no, there's no exhaust pipe.
   Project Satan: That's right. Thanks to Ed Begley Jr.'s electric motor, the 
   most evil propulsion system ever conceived!
_____
Bender: If it ain't black and white, peck, scratch and bite.
_____
Fry: Nowadays people aren't interested in art that's not tattooed on fat guys.
_____
"I might have liked Zap Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw
me in prison." -Leela "You really are too picky." 
 -Bender
_____
Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and 
 possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
_____
Fry: What's with the eye?
_____
If food is not reasonably clean, return uneaten portion for partial refund
_____
"I'm gonna be a science fiction hero, just like Uhura, or Captain Janeway,
or Xena!" -Fry 
"Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life. Can't you tell the difference?" -Leela 
"Sure, I just like TV better." -Fry
_____
Human female: "The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to 
 it's highest level in centuries, six percent." 
Morbo: "Exit poll show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing with 
 estimated zero votes." 
Human female: "The time is 7:59 and the robot polls are now opening. And 
 robot votes are now in. Nixon has won." 
Morbo: "Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death 
 come quickly to his enemies."
_____
"It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows: at the end of
the episode, everything's always right back to normal." -Fry
_____
Professor: "If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, you can bet I won't be
out of loop."
_____
Final Curtain 
 Old Actors' Home
_____
"I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of
sleaze that those things bring." -Bender
_____
Fry: I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me? 
 Leela: Oh, lots of reasons.
_____
Bender to Zoidberg: "You're looking less nuts, crabby."
_____
Professor: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp 
    and their tweet tweet splat.
_____
Henry Kissinger: Young man, you have the bravery of a hero and breath 
 as fresh as a summer ham.
_____
Professor Nerdstrom: Sit. I said sit! Bad fish!
_____
Handcrafters: New hands in about an hour
 Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break them in tonight.
_____
"I'm a fraud - a poor, lazy, sexy fraud." -Bender
_____
Robot priest: And so we commend Vladimir's remains to the earth: 
   filings to filings, rust to rust.
_____
Fry: Ah, the Breakfast Club soundtrack. Man, I can't wait until I'm old 
   enough to feel ways about stuff.
_____
Human female: "The holiday season is time of celebration for most but it is 
 also the time to remember the tragic suffering of the less 
 fortunate." 
Morbo: "Earthlings do not yet know the meaning of suffering." 
Human female: "Earlier today I visited the shelter for down-and-out robots. 
 Homeless robots too poor to afford even the basic alcohol they 
 need fuel their circuits. Is there anything sadder? 
 Only drowning puppies and there have to be a lot of them."
_____
Give a hoot-o 
 Don't pollute Pluto
_____
